Our Island Family Life

What a week. Sofie's birthday went well. She had fun helping to make her cake. We had a late dinner so we could include Cade. He got home around 7 pm. We did the cake thing and a few presents before we ate. Around 7:30 I got a fast a furious headache. Not like a migraine. Not like a sinus thing. Not a annoying frontal pain in the butt. Oh no. When I say head, I mean practically my whole head. It was from the bottom of my ear and jaw all the way up to the top of my head. It felt just like the pain I had last October when it turned out to be a bad tooth that needed a root canal. The difference was my teeth felt fine. No swelling. Nothing. Anyway, I took a couple of ibuprofen and hoped that would work. It didn't. I took more half an hour later and by this time I had directed the kids to clean up the table and put the food away. I went to bed, making sure Sofie was changed but within another half hour I was ready to scream. Will warmed a heating pad, I tried cold, I took Tylenol, I tried darkness, then walking. I knew it was a nerve that was really trying to get some attention. Finally after throwing up from the pain I called for help to go to the ER. Since it was already 10 pm I couldn't take a ferry so I had to go by fire boat. Which meant calling 911 and the island ambulance. I was so mortified. In pain no doubt but I would have preferred to just have gotten a simple ride. Anyway, seven EMT's showed up. It was distracting and rather amusing, well, I was as amused as I could be under the circumstances. I was so out of it I was just reciting all the information they needed in a daze before they even asked. One of them laughed and said I would have to be put down as the first responder instead of them. A few went out on the deck and I joked (when speech was possible) that I should have thought of providing snacks and drinks. My blood pressure was high ( for me, I usually run a little low) but I am sure that was in response to the pain. Will stayed with Cade and Sofie. Will and Connor both were up with me which was thoughtful. I asked Will if he was excited to be 18 and the adult in charge. He smiled grimly at me. Connor went to the hospital with me. He was quite excited about the trip so at least one of us had a good time. It was exhausting though. I couldn't sleep from the pain anyway. In the end I was told to wait a few days and see if the pain improves because it was either a nerve thing from teeth (which I doubted) or an infection of the lymph node. Lucky me. Anyway, I was given something for the pain to get on top of it which I was grateful for. It still hurts but I don't have any swelling, which is a good sign and the pain is lessening as the days go by. Nothing some ibuprofen can't take care of. The whole thing does make me very sleepy though. I feel pretty good for a while then I suddenly get very sleepy and the head throbs. Tuesday was a wash since I didn't get home until 6:30 am and I had been awake since 5 am the day before. I slept half the day, woke for a while then went back to sleep. Wednesday I had to go into town for several appointments so I popped in to follow up with my doctor. Will has his surgery to have his wisdom teeth pulled for next month. Connor had a therapy session. It didn't quite go the way he wanted which was fine with me. I like it when other people tell him the same things I do, since who listens to me? Yesterday I did chores in between short 5-10 minute naps. You would think someone had punched me in the head or something. It sure feels like it.

Today is Sofie's birthday. I feel strangely older with her turning five than I did with Will turning eighteen. It will be fun watching her open presents but sad as well. Cade won't be here and I doubt she will wait until 7pm because his first tennis practice is today. Also, and this is just me, I feel sad because things are different now. Birthdays and holidays are just not fun for me any more. I have mentioned it before I know and maybe it is some odd form of depression but I have very little joy in them. I like picking presents out but I used to like making them as well. The kids birthdays though are the worst. Maybe it's a woman thing but I always think back on the day they were born. All of those memories are now tainted with Sean. It isn't the same when you are having those memories alone. It's at times like these I want my husband and I want my kids to have their father here to share in these new memories and talk about the old ones. Not the guy out there now who, in my mind, is a father in name only. I imagine I will outgrow it. I don't miss him when I have to take out the trash for example, or when I do all the other things he used to do.

Kids are gone so I should be throwing a party or something. Instead I am cleaning. I have been ignoring other things to do it so I know something is going on somewhere in my head but I am not sure what. Am I worried, overwhelmed, upset? I don't know. Usually when I clean I feel a sense of control and accomplishment. Instead, all I am seeing if how much more I have to do. Which makes me feel bad, which then makes me crawl under the covers to do school work. Of course then I feel like I have to much of that to do and stick it out for a while to slip away from that to the next task. Then the circle goes round and round. I should be over at the library today but I am not sure I will make it. It isn't like I have to be there. I need to clean it up and get it ready to open soon but going today isn't vital. I should finish up my assignments instead but I am torn and tired. I'll probably wind up folding laundry. I am having problems with priorities so maybe that's why even though I might work hard, I feel that lack of accomplishment. I like the me who is happy for small achievements. *sigh*

I just finished shopping for Sofie's birthday. Even though I am not paying for all of it (Will and Connor gave me money for their purchases) I am still cringing. I also had to get a present for another birthday Sofie is going to AND Easter stuff. I am tapped out. I have to get new sneakers for Cade since his are falling apart and he just joined the tennis club so he kinda needs some. Granted, I made an extra $200 this week cleaning but gads. Plus I still haven't gotten anything for Will's graduation. I have an idea but who knows if it will pan out. I feel like I am bleeding money.