Our Island Family Life

                                   Sofie having a sundae after her field trip.


How did you wake up today? On your own? An alarm clock? A beloved pet licking your face? Not me. Cade walks in just before he was supposed to leave to catch the boat for school and tells me he isn't going trick or treating this year and is he moving to his fathers for the week, maybe for good.

Anyone who reads this knows of Cade's feelings on being with his dad. Not to mention he still has been refusing to go on regular visits. Why the sudden and dramatic change? The "final straw" as he puts it is the fact I did not allow him to go trick or treating on another island this year. He was welcome to invite friends over even though it is a school night but he wanted to go to Peaks. That island is not like this one. Is it basically a suburb of Portland. Although you have to take a ferry to get there it is only a 15 minute ride with 15 boats a day. We have 4 boats a day. My reasoning for being "like a controlling Hitler" is varied. I tried to just say no and leave it at that but he picked and picked for days leading up to  last night where he said it wasn't fair for me to not tell him why and that I "don't listen". So I took the leap and decided to list my reasons. I prefaced it by saying I wasn't telling him because I felt guilty for not being "fair". One, life isn't fair so he had better learn to deal with that sooner rather than later and two, I saw his emotional manipulation for what it was (trying to make me feel bad for not listening) and that I have a lot of experience in dealing with that kind of crap and all it does now is make me mad.

I explained I was hoping he was mature enough to have a civil conversation, to not take my reasoning as some kind of condemnation of him but as issues that can be addressed. One, when he first asked me he mentioned a group of friends some of whom I did not know then when seeing my reluctance changed it to one friend I did approve of. Sorry, cat's out of the bag, I knew he was trying to make the scenario look better. Two, going to Peaks which would be like treat or treating in the city at his age with people I didn't know and without a parent? Uh, no. Three, based on his recent track record this year  his word wasn't good enough for me. I have to base my decisions on how he has acted not on what he says for now. If he can show me a strong pattern of behavior of making responsible choices I will allow him more freedoms. I am not dumb enough to expect him not to do something hair brained from time to time but as long as it isn't consistently or dangerous then I would want him to stretch his wings. Just before summer he was involved with a kid who lead to police involvement, vandalism and bullying. He is still banned (by me) to going to the island where that kid lives. I had been thinking of letting him go once a week for homework stuff with a friend but not now. How could I feel reassured he would be able to make good choices on a night where pranks are almost a given with a rowdy group of young teenage boys and expect him not to follow the herd? If he hadn't done what he had earlier this year and if he had made better choices this summer (like doing his summer job responsibly instead of blowing it off) if he had given the all the names of the boys involved and the numbers of the parents to know at least one of them would be there that might have made a difference but with the way things currently stand, no.

Then all heck broke loose. I was "controlling his life" and "dad would let me go", "Don't you want me to be happy?" and let's not forget, "I need a break from everyone here, especially you."

He is under the false impression that the grass is greener on the other side. That he wouldn't have chores to do there. *snicker*. Chores which of course he has to do more of than anyone else in the house here, *snort*.

Will and Connor were there for this little melt down and tried to inform him that wasn't the case but he wouldn't hear a word they said. He said how I didn't listen and that I was going back on my word that he could go to dad's whenever he wanted. I meant the visitations which he had yet to even bother to do.  I don't listen and call him stupid too apparently. I flat out agreed that I have called his actions stupid on more than one occasion but I had always pointed out that I never thought that he was stupid just to make sure he didn't confuse the two but he did it anyway. Then Connor told him he had gone through some of the same thoughts Cade is having and made the same choice to go stay with his dad and look how that turned out. Cade said he was different than Connor and Connor agreed. Cade was younger than Connor was when he went and not strong enough that stand up for himself at all like Will and Connor. If he was then he wouldn't have had the trouble he had earlier this year. Also, that didn't mean he would be treated any different thatnConnor was there. Did he think dad was going to protect and defend him? Dad never even sent Cade a birthday present this year and Cade thinks he will keep him safe from his wife? Not going to happen. Connor was on a roll and I just had enough and told Cade he was more than welcome to go on all the visits, there is one this weekend but the school week he is here and that was it. He said he was going to go to his dad's anyway today and I couldn't stop him. I told him I disagreed with his decision. It was being made out of anger and not well thought out. I could in fact stop him if I so chose and have him hauled back by the police but I wasn't going to. I am telling him what has to be said in an effort to save him from pain and heartbreak but maybe he just needs to suffer first to truly understand. His threats to leave do not change my decision and that I would call his father and explain the situation. All of it, everything he has tried to hide from his dad so his dad can also make an informed decision. Cade told me go "go ahead" and that he would tell his dad I hit him when I get mad. I told him his dad may have done and said a lot of things but he would never believe that and knows better. Even at our worst as parents he never once claimed anything like that about me. I told him the ball was in his court, I loved him and goodnight. I had to work the next day. I went to bed but Will and Connor kept talking to him. Will was furious. He told Cade he had pushed Will's last nerve. He told him he had a mom who just got him a new phone, got him a new bike for his birthday, who let him have a friend out last weekend, who has supported him though thick and thin and just because I said no Cade thought he could do something like this? Cade said he has been pissed at me since the summer. That I never paid him for his summer job and how his summer sucked and he didn't get to do anything because of the job. Will was seething and told Cade how he had a job at the same age as Cade on a lobster boat doing hard labor while all Cade had to do was watch his sister and take her bike riding and to the beach and to fun island sponsored activities. That Cade didn't have to take the job at all, that I offered it to him so he could have some spending money after Cade worked off money he owed me. That I had said anytime Cade didn't want the job I would find someone else to do it but he never did. That after Cade earned what he owed Cade stopped being responsible and didn't do what the job required. That Cade got lazy and wanted to stay home and play video games instead of taking Sofie to the hall for events all the time and that was why he didn't get paid. Don't do the job, you don't get paid, simple. He said I was too forgiving and if it were him he would have fired his ass but I kept giving Cade second chances.  Cade said nothing and Will went to bed saying, " You know, your attitude just plain disgusts me. Mom may say you aren't stupid and just make stupid choices but I think you are just plain stupid. Now you can whine about how bad I treat you too and how I call you names. boo hoo. I've had enough."

Then Connor asked him if Cade understood the consequences of taking off to go to dad's. Cade said he did. Connor told him that Cade mouths off too much to survive there. If he did there what he was doing right now things would get violent. Cade asked him what he meant and Connor told him that when he was there things got violent which included a physical fight with Kathryn. (I did not know this so I was not pleased to hear this at all). He told Cade he wasn't strong enough mentally or physically to deal with that. That dad and his wife know neither of them could take Will or Connor in a physical fight but they could with Cade and will use that intimidation with Cade. (Personally I do not believe Sean would get physical with Cade. Throw stuff yes, use his size to intimidate yes, use loud noiseslike yelling to intimidate yes, get physical with me yes but not Cade.) Connor also told him when he went there he thought it would be about him and his dad reconnecting but instead his dad used it as an excuse to attack me. He dragged the whole family through court and cost our family money we could have used for something else, went after Cade and Sofie, caused heartache and suffering to me especially but to Connor who felt guilt for causing all the problems to begin with and that mom never once blamed him but as nice as that was he still felt bad. He didn't want Cade to go through that either and didn't want our family to have to deal with the courts and everything again. Cade said he would just go for a week. Connor told him go on the visits. Go on school vacations but if he goes on any non scheduled stuff for any length of time then he could knew dad would take a mile. Calling dad up for dinner in town or hanging out for a special occasion were great ideas but what Cade had planned would ruin everyone just because Cade was being selfish. He asked Cade if he felt bad for me and Cade said he did. Then he told him he shouldn't make any decisions now and to get some sleep and rest. Take the time to think on what everyone said and that we could talk about it again tomorrow. There is a difference between taking a break and running away and running away wouldn't make Cade happy. Cade agreed, went to bed then woke me a 5:45am and informed me he wasn't trick or treating, that his bag was packed with clothes and he was going to his dads. I told him to not trick or treat was his choice. He wasn't going anywhere until I spoke to his father and that I expected him on the 4pm boat. He said he wasn't coming. I took his clothes out of his bag. Told him I would talk to his dad and if neither of us knew where he was we could call the police and report him missing. He stormed out and I cried. Connor was up and went with him. Guess who I need to get back into therapy?  How do I do that when I can't get there? The earliest I will get someone to cover for me in January. I am trapped.

On the plus side, I was able to get my cell phone back. I am feeling better from the stomach virus. I am going to focus on how cute Sofie will be tonight. I have Will and Connor's support. Connor has a doctors visit tomorrow. I am going to try and not burst into tears today and look forward to a visit from friends this weekend. They are making an early Thanksgiving dinner. I have that day off but I won't be able to go anywhere but home. I can't even get to the store to buy a turkey. I will find a way I guess. I usually do. Sofie won't be here and now it looks like Cade either. More stuffing for me I guess. Pie too.

Our power blipped but didn't go off. A tree went down across the street and behind the school but other than that and some branches we got off pretty unscathed. The water was rough but the boats ran. Connor has no school today due to power outages but the rest do. The kids here even stayed after yesterday and carved pumpkins.

When I got home Cade apologized for his attitude. I guess he did read the dictionary. I went straight to bed. Will made dinner. The others picked up the house and washed the dishes. I guess I should freak out more often. I am feeling a bit better today. I am glad to finally be on the mend. I am just lacking an energy. I am sure that will improve once I start eating again. Real food.

I need to get to work now. There is a lot of it.

Here is a pic of Sofie sleeping on the bus on the way home from her field trip. She had a great time and I will post some more pics later.

I have a stomach virus. I was praying to stay healthy but alas no cigar. I have been feeling crappy (no pun intended) since Thursday. The past two nights I have had about 4 hours of sleep because I have had to keep getting up. So, of course I am at work now. I am a bit cranky with the boys because with the big storm coming and feeling like crud it has been a bit hard to get everything done that needed to get done. They are all home today. School was being let out an hour early but that means squat with the ferry schedule. They wouldn't be getting home any earlier and if the boat couldn't run well they would be stuck in town. Sofie is at school though. Right now the weather is ok. It was rainy this morning (while I walked to work) but not very windy and no rain at all for the moment. I ordered Connor and Cade to finish the task of cleaning the yard. Will is baking and getting some food pre-made. I can barely see straight so I am of the opinion if they want to survive they had better be a little more self sufficient.

I lost all patience yesterday when I finally put my foot down started being very specific about what I wanted done. Connor (who is a pain in the butt right now anyway) and Cade began telling me I was over reacting and to "calm down". I wasn't even yelling or angry. I was just tired of saying hey, pick up the yard or pick up the house. I figured if I gave them one task at a time they wouldn't feel overwhelmed and I would know how the progress was going. Well, what they said did make me angry and I let them know it. The sheer gall to say that after ignoring me to the point of frustration and me not even screaming at them by that point like a lot of other people might have done. I had every right to be upset and to say otherwise was just hair pulling crazy. I told them if they really wanted to see angry to keep it up. I may not look like it but I can scream, throw stuff and swear like a drunk sailor if they want me too. They opted to not go for that scenario (thankfully) although I could see they thought it might be slightly funny to see me go crazy. Kids testing limits just sucks. I did ground them both for hurting my feelings and not doing as they were told to do until I was upset. Cade was mad and said it was unfair. I told him to look up empathy and irony in the dictionary. Maybe he will get it? I am not holding my breath.

On a funny note here are a few Sofie-isms:

While walking her bike and having the pedal hit the back of her knee, "Oh! My knee pit!"

Me telling her we are leaving in 5 minutes to go to school. "Fine. Then I will count to sixty, five times the mississippi way." She then slowly backs out the room staring at me suspiciously the whole time.

"What does friction mean?"

Sofie completely randomly: "I know what a lesbian is!"
Me: "Oh? Where did you hear that?"
Sofie: "Around."
Me: "Around where?"
Sofie: "Oh, you know places, the grocery store, riding my bike, Joker's." (Jokers is a kids party place)

So, yeah, I haven't posted in a while. I have been so busy and so stressed tears have been involved quite a bit recently.

The new job has been stressful no doubt about it but the extra money has been nice. Then we were told my hours would be cut back from 8 to 2 hours a day. More stress. Now it's settled at 6 with higher pay so great. I still may lose the job though because of the new classification our office has. Wonderful. Stress continues. I still don't have anyone to relieve me for a day off or emergencies. No one is applying. I was able to have my minor surgery in September but it took a month and a half to get someone and that was a scheduled thing. I almost had to postpone. For now, I am still 8 hrs. 6 days a week. Well, 4 to 6 hrs. on Saturday depending. Kids are adjusting better than me.

Speaking of them, Cade had an allergic reaction on Monday and went to to doctor yesterday for his hives. I had a friend take him. I was trapped at work. It wasn't a too bad of a reaction so his breathing was unaffected but we are keeping an eye on him. We still aren't sure what the reaction was from yet. We've narrowed it down to a laundry detergent or a fabric. He wore a friends clothing and then got hives. The doctor checked for parasites and he was clean. Getting a call from the school nurse did not make my day.

Sofie is off on a field trip until Friday. This is the first time I couldn't go with her and she was upset about it. The chaperon I had planned to been with her had to cancel and I was worried she wouldn't be able to go and  how she would react to that (not well I was sure). Thankfully, I was able to get someone else but the anxiety of calling around and all that stuff gave me a literal headache. Sofie was already upset from a visit with her dad last weekend. Another one of her aunt got married and she was excited to go. She was a flower girl the last wedding she went to and wanted to wear that dress again. I asked Sean if it was ok that she wear it or should she wear something else and he said, "Of course she can wear the dress." Well, the boys went to the wedding although they didn't stay the weekend with their dad and came home mad as heck. I asked them what happened and they said the wedding was great and fun but Sofie wasn't there and that made them angry. The whole family on their dad's side was there except Sofie. Everyone was asking where she was, even the bride. Sean's wife had decided that Sofie would be too much of a distraction and left her with her parents. The real reason was so she could get stinking drink. Cade went back with Sean to their house and Sean had to put his wife in the back seat she was so drunk and she didn't even know where she was. I asked Cade if his dad had been drinking too and Cade said, "Not as much as her." That made me feel so much better. He probably shouldn't have been driving at all. Sofie was crushed to not be there. Nothing I can do but it makes me feel so tired, I am all out of anger.

Connor, back in the pit again. I feel like pulling my hair out. Then, epiphany, it's the fall season. He was able to not get down last year but this year he is feeling it again. I am making calls this week for him to see his doctor. He has missed sessions with his therapist and it's obvious he needs a meds change. I see a life long struggle here and again all I feel is helpless and sad.

Will. Thank god I have one child that is stable and makes good choices. He is still working on college. Still working and even though he lives at home he has a life and take every chance at spending time with friends. He passed drivers ed and will get his license in February if all goes as planned.

Money = stress, job = stress, kids = stress, car = stress. I know I should be taking some more me time but so far all that entails is catching up on my recorded tv shows while I clean the house on my one day off. It feels like a luxury. I did go to my book club last month and that was nice. I skipped this month though. It is so hard to do more than what I am already doing. I pray to stay healthy. All of us.

I will try and post more. Try.