Our Island Family Life

                                   Sofie having a sundae after her field trip.


How did you wake up today? On your own? An alarm clock? A beloved pet licking your face? Not me. Cade walks in just before he was supposed to leave to catch the boat for school and tells me he isn't going trick or treating this year and is he moving to his fathers for the week, maybe for good.

Anyone who reads this knows of Cade's feelings on being with his dad. Not to mention he still has been refusing to go on regular visits. Why the sudden and dramatic change? The "final straw" as he puts it is the fact I did not allow him to go trick or treating on another island this year. He was welcome to invite friends over even though it is a school night but he wanted to go to Peaks. That island is not like this one. Is it basically a suburb of Portland. Although you have to take a ferry to get there it is only a 15 minute ride with 15 boats a day. We have 4 boats a day. My reasoning for being "like a controlling Hitler" is varied. I tried to just say no and leave it at that but he picked and picked for days leading up to  last night where he said it wasn't fair for me to not tell him why and that I "don't listen". So I took the leap and decided to list my reasons. I prefaced it by saying I wasn't telling him because I felt guilty for not being "fair". One, life isn't fair so he had better learn to deal with that sooner rather than later and two, I saw his emotional manipulation for what it was (trying to make me feel bad for not listening) and that I have a lot of experience in dealing with that kind of crap and all it does now is make me mad.

I explained I was hoping he was mature enough to have a civil conversation, to not take my reasoning as some kind of condemnation of him but as issues that can be addressed. One, when he first asked me he mentioned a group of friends some of whom I did not know then when seeing my reluctance changed it to one friend I did approve of. Sorry, cat's out of the bag, I knew he was trying to make the scenario look better. Two, going to Peaks which would be like treat or treating in the city at his age with people I didn't know and without a parent? Uh, no. Three, based on his recent track record this year  his word wasn't good enough for me. I have to base my decisions on how he has acted not on what he says for now. If he can show me a strong pattern of behavior of making responsible choices I will allow him more freedoms. I am not dumb enough to expect him not to do something hair brained from time to time but as long as it isn't consistently or dangerous then I would want him to stretch his wings. Just before summer he was involved with a kid who lead to police involvement, vandalism and bullying. He is still banned (by me) to going to the island where that kid lives. I had been thinking of letting him go once a week for homework stuff with a friend but not now. How could I feel reassured he would be able to make good choices on a night where pranks are almost a given with a rowdy group of young teenage boys and expect him not to follow the herd? If he hadn't done what he had earlier this year and if he had made better choices this summer (like doing his summer job responsibly instead of blowing it off) if he had given the all the names of the boys involved and the numbers of the parents to know at least one of them would be there that might have made a difference but with the way things currently stand, no.

Then all heck broke loose. I was "controlling his life" and "dad would let me go", "Don't you want me to be happy?" and let's not forget, "I need a break from everyone here, especially you."

He is under the false impression that the grass is greener on the other side. That he wouldn't have chores to do there. *snicker*. Chores which of course he has to do more of than anyone else in the house here, *snort*.

Will and Connor were there for this little melt down and tried to inform him that wasn't the case but he wouldn't hear a word they said. He said how I didn't listen and that I was going back on my word that he could go to dad's whenever he wanted. I meant the visitations which he had yet to even bother to do.  I don't listen and call him stupid too apparently. I flat out agreed that I have called his actions stupid on more than one occasion but I had always pointed out that I never thought that he was stupid just to make sure he didn't confuse the two but he did it anyway. Then Connor told him he had gone through some of the same thoughts Cade is having and made the same choice to go stay with his dad and look how that turned out. Cade said he was different than Connor and Connor agreed. Cade was younger than Connor was when he went and not strong enough that stand up for himself at all like Will and Connor. If he was then he wouldn't have had the trouble he had earlier this year. Also, that didn't mean he would be treated any different thatnConnor was there. Did he think dad was going to protect and defend him? Dad never even sent Cade a birthday present this year and Cade thinks he will keep him safe from his wife? Not going to happen. Connor was on a roll and I just had enough and told Cade he was more than welcome to go on all the visits, there is one this weekend but the school week he is here and that was it. He said he was going to go to his dad's anyway today and I couldn't stop him. I told him I disagreed with his decision. It was being made out of anger and not well thought out. I could in fact stop him if I so chose and have him hauled back by the police but I wasn't going to. I am telling him what has to be said in an effort to save him from pain and heartbreak but maybe he just needs to suffer first to truly understand. His threats to leave do not change my decision and that I would call his father and explain the situation. All of it, everything he has tried to hide from his dad so his dad can also make an informed decision. Cade told me go "go ahead" and that he would tell his dad I hit him when I get mad. I told him his dad may have done and said a lot of things but he would never believe that and knows better. Even at our worst as parents he never once claimed anything like that about me. I told him the ball was in his court, I loved him and goodnight. I had to work the next day. I went to bed but Will and Connor kept talking to him. Will was furious. He told Cade he had pushed Will's last nerve. He told him he had a mom who just got him a new phone, got him a new bike for his birthday, who let him have a friend out last weekend, who has supported him though thick and thin and just because I said no Cade thought he could do something like this? Cade said he has been pissed at me since the summer. That I never paid him for his summer job and how his summer sucked and he didn't get to do anything because of the job. Will was seething and told Cade how he had a job at the same age as Cade on a lobster boat doing hard labor while all Cade had to do was watch his sister and take her bike riding and to the beach and to fun island sponsored activities. That Cade didn't have to take the job at all, that I offered it to him so he could have some spending money after Cade worked off money he owed me. That I had said anytime Cade didn't want the job I would find someone else to do it but he never did. That after Cade earned what he owed Cade stopped being responsible and didn't do what the job required. That Cade got lazy and wanted to stay home and play video games instead of taking Sofie to the hall for events all the time and that was why he didn't get paid. Don't do the job, you don't get paid, simple. He said I was too forgiving and if it were him he would have fired his ass but I kept giving Cade second chances.  Cade said nothing and Will went to bed saying, " You know, your attitude just plain disgusts me. Mom may say you aren't stupid and just make stupid choices but I think you are just plain stupid. Now you can whine about how bad I treat you too and how I call you names. boo hoo. I've had enough."

Then Connor asked him if Cade understood the consequences of taking off to go to dad's. Cade said he did. Connor told him that Cade mouths off too much to survive there. If he did there what he was doing right now things would get violent. Cade asked him what he meant and Connor told him that when he was there things got violent which included a physical fight with Kathryn. (I did not know this so I was not pleased to hear this at all). He told Cade he wasn't strong enough mentally or physically to deal with that. That dad and his wife know neither of them could take Will or Connor in a physical fight but they could with Cade and will use that intimidation with Cade. (Personally I do not believe Sean would get physical with Cade. Throw stuff yes, use his size to intimidate yes, use loud noiseslike yelling to intimidate yes, get physical with me yes but not Cade.) Connor also told him when he went there he thought it would be about him and his dad reconnecting but instead his dad used it as an excuse to attack me. He dragged the whole family through court and cost our family money we could have used for something else, went after Cade and Sofie, caused heartache and suffering to me especially but to Connor who felt guilt for causing all the problems to begin with and that mom never once blamed him but as nice as that was he still felt bad. He didn't want Cade to go through that either and didn't want our family to have to deal with the courts and everything again. Cade said he would just go for a week. Connor told him go on the visits. Go on school vacations but if he goes on any non scheduled stuff for any length of time then he could knew dad would take a mile. Calling dad up for dinner in town or hanging out for a special occasion were great ideas but what Cade had planned would ruin everyone just because Cade was being selfish. He asked Cade if he felt bad for me and Cade said he did. Then he told him he shouldn't make any decisions now and to get some sleep and rest. Take the time to think on what everyone said and that we could talk about it again tomorrow. There is a difference between taking a break and running away and running away wouldn't make Cade happy. Cade agreed, went to bed then woke me a 5:45am and informed me he wasn't trick or treating, that his bag was packed with clothes and he was going to his dads. I told him to not trick or treat was his choice. He wasn't going anywhere until I spoke to his father and that I expected him on the 4pm boat. He said he wasn't coming. I took his clothes out of his bag. Told him I would talk to his dad and if neither of us knew where he was we could call the police and report him missing. He stormed out and I cried. Connor was up and went with him. Guess who I need to get back into therapy?  How do I do that when I can't get there? The earliest I will get someone to cover for me in January. I am trapped.

On the plus side, I was able to get my cell phone back. I am feeling better from the stomach virus. I am going to focus on how cute Sofie will be tonight. I have Will and Connor's support. Connor has a doctors visit tomorrow. I am going to try and not burst into tears today and look forward to a visit from friends this weekend. They are making an early Thanksgiving dinner. I have that day off but I won't be able to go anywhere but home. I can't even get to the store to buy a turkey. I will find a way I guess. I usually do. Sofie won't be here and now it looks like Cade either. More stuffing for me I guess. Pie too.