Our Island Family Life

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Furious

0 comments Posted by perphila at 11:31 AM

Got an email from Sean. Did he have Cade call back when I called? No. Now he emails to ask me if Cade and spend an extra day and that he will drive Cade to school on Monday and Cade can call me if want. Why? For the first time...EVER...Sean got Cade a decent birthday present. He is taking Cade to see Clinton speak tomorrow. Cade loves all presidents and this is a rare opportunity. Is this what bothers me? No. I am happy Cade has this chance. Why I am mad was the email itself. Sean said he "didn't realize" the speech was on Sunday. He "thought" it was today. I am mad because I am so angry that he still thinks I am going to buy his bs. How stupid does he think I am? He knew perfectly well when this was. He waited until Cade was there and knew about it first. Sean knows I wouldn't let Cade miss this chance and would say yes. He didn't tell me before hand because I am sure because I have insisted in the past that we stick to the schedule and I would say no unless it was an emergency. Still, he should have told me first. I would have said yes for Cade's sake and because it is his birthday. On top of that once Cade knew and if I said no Cade would be bitterly disappointed and who would be taking the blame for it? Me. I am sick of Sean's lies, games and manipulation. I called to speak with Sean and he didn't answer...again. Later Cade called and he asked if he could stay. According to him it was Kathryn who set it up because she has a family member who is part of his staff. So in the end Sean was not the one who did this for Cade. Also, we agreed in mediation that if Cade had an after school activity he could choose to stay with his dad instead of coming home so he wouldn't have such a long day but that we would bring it up in therapy and see what he thought of it and how we could try it out. Now with this, Cade will have his dad drive him school before we even have had a chance to talk about this in therapy. Sean bulldozing his way yet again. I am so mad....and I am a little sad to not see Cade tomorrow. We had plans for his birthday. It was bad enough he wasn't home for it today.

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian”

Dennis Wholey

Happy Birthday!

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:42 AM

Today is Cade's birthday, he is turning 11! I can't believe it. Despite all the crap he has gone through he is doing really well overall. I tried calling him today since he is visiting his dad to wish him a happy birthday but Sean didn't answer the phone. I had a feeling he wouldn't. He gets mad when I call the kids. I left a message and that's all I can do. Tomorrow I will bake a cake. Will has two presents for him and I have one from "Sofie" for him. It is a new winter coat that was given to me for him. My present will be taking him to the fair next weekend. He is still free to get in. I will have to fork over some money for rides and food though. I cringe at the thought. We haven't gone to the fair since Sofie was a newborn. So, since 2006. We all had such a great time. The kids played all kinds of games to get her little stuffed animals. Sofie was buried in her stroller by the time we left. Sean won a basketball for Cade. It was really the last time we did anything as a whole family that was fun. I emailed Connor asking him if he wants to come. I doubt he will. It's so sad to think of how much has changed and how much I feel our family has been torn apart my Sean and his mental illness. How much it has hurt the kids and the family as a whole.

Anyway, I don't want to get too down. The above picture is of our new 45 gallon fish tank. No. I did not buy it. It was given to us by a couple who are moving away from the island soon. They are older and the husband has serious breathing issues so they are moving to a place with nursing care. They thought of Will right off the bat and asked him if he wanted it. He asked me. I wasn't thrilled with the idea but he said he would do all the care for it and I agreed. He did all the care for our smaller tank (very small with only two fish) and he does what he says he will do so I agreed. If Connor asked.....no way. Anywho, he set it all up yesterday so it will be a surprise for Cade and Sofie when they come home Sunday. We now have two catfish as well as our old two. We can get a couple more but we have to time it right. Getting them over here before the croak is tricky. It's a crappy pic since it was taken on the laptop and reversed. I will try and get a better one later. The tank has to be lit up all night to simulate moonlight for the catfish. It will take some getting used to. On the bright side I don't think I will need to turn on the lights at night since the tank is so bright.

So here's hoping Connor comes.....

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Interesting Manipulation

0 comments Posted by perphila at 1:48 PM

So much news in one day....

I had another assignment today and I spent the morning while Sofie was at school completing it. I had to call tech support once to figure something out but I succeeded. I am still feeling real nervous about the whole thing. I have been working on meeting classmates on the discussion boards of my two classes and that has been interesting. I have to post at least three times on at least three days anyway for my discussion grade. After I was done with that I went to pick up Sofie and the boy I babysit from their second school field trip. They went to island store and learned about how it worked and they even made pizza. I picked up the mail on the way home and I had a ton. One good thing was to find out DHHS was going to pay one month of my electric bill. I have been current but this will help me to catch up on other things, like rent. Then I had three letters from my lawyer. A copy of the last mediation, a copy of the revised child support my lawyer was asked to draft at the mediation and a copy from the court telling me when my next court date will be. October 28th. If Sean signs the drafted revised child support then we won't have to go to court. I don't think he will. The nuts and bolts of it is, I have to pay him $8.17 a week for Connor. My lawyer subtracted that amount and added in all his debts and arrears so the amount I get will be exactly the same as Sean is paying now. That means he will no longer be going into arrears by being short every month but it will take him two years to pay off what he already owes. Also, the amount Sean has to pay for Cade goes up next year. I am sure Sean thought of that when he brought this whole thing up. It hadn't even occurred to me. If Sean signs this at least I will be getting the same amount I am getting now which is a kind of relief. Things will of course change again when Will graduates and then again a few months later when Cade turns 12. It's so confusing. I pray Sean signs.

I got a call from the bay lines earlier today as well. They told me Connor never came in to get his boat pass. If he doesn't do it then he will lose it. Since he is a student the city pays for his pass. I told him several times to do it and reminded him again on my birthday. I emailed Sean and told him he needed to bring Connor down himself to make sure it got done. I was not going to enable Connor's irresponsible behavior by paying for any future ferry tickets for him if he didn't. Either Sean or Connor himself will have to pay for them. Sean replied and thanked me for reminding him about it and that he would take care of it. He was just trying to make nice saying he had just forgotten and had been planning on doing it. Please. Since both Sean and Connor are equally irresponsible about things like this I have no faith it will get done. I hate to act tough about this but I am going to stay firm. I have told Connor I love him and want to see him but I am not going to change the rule of the house to tailor fit his bad behavior. If he loses the pass he won't be able to come see his family here without paying for a ticket. If he loses it and winds up coming back home to live then I don't know what I will be able to do. I guess work with the bay lines to figure something out.

On the plus side Sean finally scheduled an appointment for Connor for therapy. I know he only did it because he is being watched closely by the court. Connor goes back October 13th. His last scheduled appointment was August 31st but he didn't go. The last time he has gone was July 2oth. Because of Sean's interference Connor will have missed out on nearly three months. I will call the counselor and let him know my concerns but I am not going to go. I am going to back away and see what Connor does.

Speaking of therapy the co-parenting counselor called today. Our old one. She has talked with Sean and I guess he told her he was ok seeing her. I have no idea what their conversation was but I hope she held him accountable for lying for saying he was ok seeing her when he said to another therapist in the office he wasn't. Their problem I guess. We have a tentative date set for October 6th. She said she would get back to me after she talks with him again. I feel so dragged down by it all. I just have little hope of it working out. It would be great if it did but I know him being there is all an act so it makes me sad and a little angry to be wasting my time. I have to try for the kids sake. The court will order us into high conflict otherwise. Maybe that would be better? I don't know.

Now for the stuff that made me sad this week. Sofie cried again telling me how much she missed Connor. I asked her if she able to tell him when she saw him last weekend that she loved him and missed him. She said she did but "the mean witch told me he couldn't come back but I could come see him whenever I wanted." I was a little upset about that since Sofie wasn't even asking him to come home but just telling him she missed him. This was something that should have been between Connor and Sofie. Kathryn had no right to interfere. Sofie then told me her dad was standing there the whole time and did and said nothing. I also am not thrilled with the fact Kathryn told her Sofie could see him whenever she wants when that just isn't the truth. The way things are with their schedules, Sofie's school and the tension just doesn't make that feasible. She lied and that is a terrible thing to do to Sofie. Will overheard Sofie telling me all this and after she left told me Cade had come up to him and asked him if Connor had spoken to him at all in school. Will told him Connor hadn't. Cade told him Connor had told him and their dad that Connor had tried several times to talk to Will and that Will had ignored him. Will was furious. He told Cade that was an absolute lie. Will admitted he hadn't gone out of his way to speak to Connor but he has never ignored him or has Connor even bothered to try and speak to him. Cade just nodded and walked away. Will was angry at Connor for lying and he knew Connor was trying to make himself look like an injured party to their dad, who is of course buying the whole thing because Sean and Will don't speak to each other. Sean has told me he thinks Will is a bad kid which is so far from true it isn't even funny. Connor is testing the waters a bit I think. Cade asked me if I missed Connor and I said of course I did. Connor is telling him I don't. That Will hates him. I think Connor thinks there are sides here. That Will is on my side and I am angry at him for picking his "dad's side". Trying to talk to Connor is like smashing your head on a brick wall. No matter how many times Will has told him his problems with their dad is just about the two of them and not me Connor just doesn't get it. Also, Connor I think is missing home but is afraid to come back or let us know because then he would be "hurting" his dad. As far as I'm concerned this is his issue and his problem and I have said all I can say at this point. The only thing I can do now is strongly encourage his need to be in therapy and why. I can not make it happen while Sean has shared rights and responsibilities. What bothers me most about that is Sean wants all the rights and none of the responsibility. When I think of both Sean and Connor with such fragile mental states I worry. A lot. How can Connor recognize how bad the decisions his dad makes are? How can Sean see how bad the choices Connor makes are? They can't. I have to sit and wait for everything to crash. I have to remind myself not to fall into Sean's trap of him telling everyone he is ok. Whenever I start thinking he is probably just fine I look at the long list of medications he was on and tell myself I didn't imagine the whole thing. I didn't make this up like he claims. I met his pdoc. I held the prescriptions in my hands. No matter how much Sean wants to pretend he is ok and he isn't bipolar I can't let him try and convince me again I am just blowing this out of proportion. If it this hard for me I can only imagine how hard it is for Connor.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

School for Everyone

2 comments Posted by perphila at 11:51 AM

Today was my first official day of school. I logged on which sounds like a no big deal but I was a bit tense. I think I will be for a while as I try and get the hang of it. I did my first assignments which were just introductions and the rest of the week will be I think getting the hang of the discussion boards and replying as I should for participation grade. So, whew.

Cade and Will are sick. Cade was out yesterday and today. I think he will go back to school tomorrow. He had such a sore throat yesterday he couldn't speak. Will has a cough and congestion. So far Sofie and I are ok. I have my whole allergy maybe I don't know what's going on thing but I see the doctor October 10th so I am hoping for some relief then. The pic above is Sofie's first paper she brought home from school. She is loving it and trying very hard. Below is a link to a video the kids made. They didn't show the library though. :( Anyway, you have to love their field trip on the lobster boat to do a stringer. Sofie said she wanted to come home smelling like fish like Will. He laughed and told her she really, really didn't...:)

Video the school kid s made for and inter-island school conference

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Down Time Before School

0 comments Posted by perphila at 11:31 AM

Monday, September 20, 2010

First Swim for Fall

0 comments Posted by perphila at 12:45 PM

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Still Trying to Let Go

0 comments Posted by perphila at 5:08 PM

I am trying to figure out what part of parenting Connor now is letting go and how far to I even bother to try to maintain rules Sean and I set together for the kids. Do I just let Sean make all the decisions now and let the chips fall where they may?

I found out today Connor plans on getting his driver's license in the spring. He will be 16. Before Sean left we had decided, since Will was going to be 15 that year and old enough to get his permit, that the kids would need to pa for their driver ed classes themselves. We felt that by having, maintaining a job and saving the money needed to pay for the class would show a certain level of responsibility they would need to have in order to be driving. Also, if driving was important to them it would be another incentive to earn money themselves. After Sean left all rules we made for the kids together flew out the window and he does whatever his wife tells him. Connor has no job or has any plans on working. They plan on paying for his classes as well and helping him get his own car. They give him allowance for doing chores he should be doing regardless. He never lifted a finger here and even though he still isn't doing chores is still getting paid. They have bought him all kinds of things including new clothes and a skateboard. Does he have the phone I wanted him to have? No. Made his therapy appointment? No. I could go on and on. Also, Sofie comes home acting like a brat and it takes me several days to get her totally back on track. Today for example I picked her up as I was talking to a neighbor and she thought it would be funny to spit in my face and pull my hair. I was shocked. She never has acted like that before. I knew she was testing me. I had to excuse myself from my conversation and deal with her. Cade said he wanted to talk in his next session about how Kathryn has been telling her daughter how it's ok to hit others and how very different this is from what I have always taught him. I know he feels caught between rules. He has been taught in school as well about not hitting and is worried about his sister learning about how it is ok to hit. I will have to talk with the teacher tomorrow and see how she behaves in school this week. I just don't know what to do. I am rereading the book Kids First handed out to deal with issues like this and I am thinking about going back. I am leaning to just letting go. I feel bad about the kind of person Connor will turn out to be. He will not be able to take care of himself. I feel so tired.

The picture today was taken by Will from our deck with his new camera of an incoming storm.