Our Island Family Life

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Thank You!

1 comments Posted by perphila at 2:37 PM

I want to send a big shout out and thank you sprinkled with hug to Carol for her contribution the the legal fund! I can use it for all those incidentals some people don't think about. Certified mail, ferry ticket to court, parking, etc. , who knew just showing up would cost so much? Like lawyer's fee weren't enough. The lawyer is asking for compensation from Sean towards that as well. I am bracing myself for next Wednesday but I am much calmer than I was the first time. I am not even worrying about dressing up. I will wear what I have. I am what I am and it doesn't make any less of a good mother. :)

Where have I been...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 1:13 PM

I can't believe it's been a whole week since I posted anything. I am multitasking again and eating lunch while I write this. I am also putting my feet up because they have been swelling up since Thursday. I have been on my feet way too much lately.

Last week I went to do a clean up job after a wedding reception with a friend and we wound up being the caterers. It was unexpected but quick. We cooked up 40 lobsters among other things. It was a wild night running around. Then another day I had a cleaning job in the afternoon after my daycare gig and the place was twice as bad as normal. I had Will and Connor help me so I wouldn't run out of time. I couldn't do it the next day because I was taking the kids in town for the weekend to a anime/manga convention. They had been saving up since last year for it and I was their ride and food provider (food stamps and filled coolers). Sadly Sofie was only with us for one day. I had to drop her off with Sean Friday afternoon. Some friends of the kids came too and they also helped split the cost. I only paid for my ticket to get in. Nice. I was walking around all weekend though. Since coming back it's been work, work, work. I am doing the daycare now, I did library this morning and I am cleaning a house this afternoon. Thursday it's daycare again and another house to clean. I am doing about 15-16 hours work days. At least watching the kids helps when I have to put my feet up like now. I am also able to clean my house a little. I have no real ambition to clean my own house after cleaning other peoples. I spent 3 hours cleaning windows last night at another job. Just. Windows. I hope all this dog like working will help out some. I got the second half of my library check on Monday. My email to the president worked. I dropped by the lawyers office yesterday and paid him another $500. When the second check clears I can pay the rest. What a relief. Another good thing, I got a check today from the dentist office. I was FINALLY reimbursed for the kids visit last September. There was still a small difference so I emailed Sean today about that and what he owes. I am not holding my breath.

Cade's therapy went well. I talked with his counselor first. She told me she had gotten a weird call from Sean last Friday and he left a message saying he wanted to know how things were going and when he could come into Cade's sessions. She called him back on Monday and told him she had thought she had made it clear he needed to be the one calling Cade and the two of them needed to work out Sean's attendance at therapy. She said she felt he thought she was the one who was going to be pushing him and Cade together. She told him she wasn't going to get involved in that way. She wanted Cade to feel therapy was a safe place and if she pushed him too hard he would stop being open. He told her he had been calling Cade and leaving messages but we never answered the phone or called him back. I was stunned. You would think I wouldn't get stunned anymore. Still, a flat out lie is hard to swallow. I told her Sean has called the house to speak with Connor but has never asked for Cade. Also, he hadn't left a single message for Cade since their last bad phone call. She told me she had spoken to our co-parenting counselor to get a firmer grasp on Sean's behavior. The whole lack of follow through thing. She is getting it first hand now. I also told her I was grateful she was telling Sean that he needs to be the parent but unless he thinks calling Cade is his idea he most likely wouldn't. Also, he asked if she could schedule Cade's appointments to the afternoons because he couldn't come in the mornings. He said he is babysitting since Kathryn is teaching summer school. While I tried not to laugh at the idea he thinks he is "babysitting" his own kid and step kid instead of just being a parent the counselor said he felt Kathryn was probably strong willed. I just shrugged. I explained to her why afternoons were bad for us since Cade is not thrilled being in therapy during the summer (and he really needs to go) the one thing I promised was that he wouldn't miss Tuesday night softball. That means we HAVE to catch the 2:15 ferry to get here on time. Also, I don't have my library job on Tuesdays although I am still missing a full day of daycare work to bring Cade to therapy and do our shopping. She told me Sean is the one who needs to talk with Cade about changing the schedule and explaining why. She said I shouldn't even mention it to Cade and not to get involved. If Sean tries to go though me then I should tell him HE has to be the one to talk to Cade about it. Fine with me. She told Sean she wasn't going to change anything until Cade was informed since her client is Cade not Sean or me. Bam. I told her I felt Sean was the one who made the choice to have another child and be responsible for a stepchild and needs to work around that just like I do with our four children. I bring Sofie if I have to. I get sitters if I need to. If I can't pay them I work for them. Whatever it takes just like everyone else has to. He isn't any different from anyone else. Was it easy for me carting around a 16 month old and 8 year old to DHHS, therapy, etc. those first few days and months he left us? So, she told Cade the same thing about Sean saying he has been calling and calling. Cade just laughed and told her how his dad was a liar. Here is the funny thing. I checked the messages when we got home. I hadn't done that since we left for the weekend on Friday. I had checked the caller id to see if Sean had called but he hadn't. Lo and behold Sean did leave a message (the ONLY one since this whole thing has started) about Cade and wondering if he could go with Cade to therapy. This message wasn't fully addressed to Cade however. He just doesn't get it. It's like he will do ANYTHING to avoid a real conversation with Cade or whoever he is having conflict with. I told Cade his dad called and let him listen to the message. Cade however was so angry with his dad lying to his counselor about how we never pick up and how frequently he had been trying to get a hold of Cade I have serious doubts if he will call his dad back. Cade had said if his dad called him he would talk to him but I am doing my utmost best to stay out of it. It is so hard. Although I think not talking to each other is unhealthy, in the long run they are the ones who need to bridge this gap, not me. I would only be hurting the both of them if I got in the middle again. I want to rip my hair out sometimes. What gets my goat about Sean's message is that I spoke with him over one of the boys cell phones on Friday. I saw him to drop Sofie off. I called him on Sunday and offered to bring her home since I was in town anyway. I saw him again. He never once told me he had called, never said anything about it. He knew we were in town the whole weekend. What is it with guys and the whole non-verbal thing? So the counselor suggested I email Sean and let him know she had mentioned to me about all these calls he had supposedly made and make him aware that we hadn't received any of them. Not accusing, just letting him know what we had or had not gotten from him. Bases covered. I did that today. I told him we got his message and Cade heard it but that we had not received anything else from him. That we have always answered the phone when he has called when we are home. Proof of that is how easily he has been able to get a hold of Connor. I have also called him back even if he hadn't left a message if I saw his name on the caller id as a missed call. I was blunt that since his last call with Cade in March we had not heard from him concerning Cade in ANY form. Done. Then I sent him another email about the dental bill and forwarded a previous email about the dental stuff as well. I sent another one (he is probably mad) about Sofie and letting him know when we would be in town on Friday and that she had come home from the last visit saying dammit. I told him what I have done about it and since even our teenage boys don't swear in the house it seems to be a successful plan. I asked if he would follow it and make extra effort to not use bad language in front of her. I KNOW he does because he did it all the time with the boys. I have no allusions that he will curb his foul mouth since he never did with the boys but I have it in writing that I kept him informed.

I need a nap. I am falling asleep. How am I going to clean a house tonight?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Empty Shells

1 comments Posted by perphila at 1:36 PM

Don't you hate falling into the trap of counting chickens before they hatch? I try not to do that but I do sometimes. I am back an the money worry thing. I did get my check today for the library but it was only half. I asked the treasurer if I could have the whole thing and he said he would have to "ask around". Huh? Every single year he has asked me if I wanted the whole thing in June or broken up. I always asked for it to be broken up because it helps me budget things. This is the first time I have asked for the whole thing. I was pretty upset as you can imagine. Just asking was hard enough. I emailed the president (who knows what's going on) and asked her to tell him to give me the rest if he asked her about it. Now I feel like I am in a bind.

I saw the lawyer yesterday. I was just going to pop in and see if I could make an appointment for next week and see if he would take the $2000 I had. He took it and saw me right away. I did some signing for child support stuff and he wrote out our answer to Sean for him to be served with. I was feeling pretty good. Relieved. Now I am in a panic again because I told him I would bring the rest of the money next week. Now I can't. I do have $900 though and I am sure he will be ok with that but I am so angry right now. I feel like a liar and it's all my fault, stupid empty chicken eggs. I am doing and extra job tonight and I hope it comes with a check. I also am not sure if I am getting my daycare money today or not. I am seeing the mom tonight so I hope so. I am working right now as a matter of fact. It's nap time so I am grabbing some lunch for me while a look over bank accounts. I have about $100 to my name now. This is about the same shape I was in when Sean left. I had been making progress but now....

On to other things. Cade's therapy went well yesterday. He talked about how much he hates Kathryn. The counselor told me she was going to call Sean one more time and remind him that he is the dad. Cade told her how his dad still hadn't called him. We are set up for another appointment next week. I went to DHHS for them to collect the dental money Sean owes and I had everything they needed except a spreadsheet. Well, darn. I had sent him stuff by certified mail so he couldn't say I never sent him the bill. Just what DHHS wanted to I was ahead of the ball on that one. More work for me and another trip. Great. The case worker is jumping at the bit for me to file contempt against him. I will have to talk with the lawyer about that. *sigh*

Connor has to go back to school next week do hand in his math work to get his two credits for the year. I have been emailing his crew leader about the boat schedule and the city bus schedule trying to get things figured out. I told her some days Connor might be a hour late due to the boat and bus but the rest of the week would be fine. Sean emailed me back demanding Connor take a certain boat and bus and "there is no reason why he can't" blah, blah. Well, I don't see him offering for Connor to stay with him for the week to "be on time", or offering to pick him up at the earlier time. He did offer to pick him up for the later boat and Connor would only miss half an hour than a full hour. Big deal. Missing a whole hour is worth not having to deal with him. Connor was less than thrilled at his dad's attitude. He said, "I have done a lot of work. I worked hard too. I took responsibility. What's with his attitude? He's not being a dad, just a bully." I told him to ignore it and just do what he was doing. Focus on his work and let everything else fall away. We'll see.

Feeling very stressed...my stomach aches constantly.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Whew...

1 comments Posted by perphila at 1:50 PM

Yesterday afternoon. Sofie asked me where her soul was. Ok. I was not expecting that. I tried to think of a simple explanation for her. This of course led to other topics and she wound up crying because she said she wanted to see her grandpa (my dad), who she never got a chance to meet. It was very sad. I have no idea why she was thinking about these things. We had a very nice day. I shoved my life crap to the side and we went to the library. I did some work while she read some books and watched some videos of Cade on youtube. Then we visited some friends. She played and fell off the swing. She didn't cry once and just got right back on. Then we went to the beach. The water was pretty cold at first so we went to the tidal pools and they were very warm. Eventually the tide came back in and she got right in and got me soaked. I wasn't dressed to the beach. We were only supposed to be looking for sea glass but you know how it goes. We spent three hours there and began walking home. Everyone was smiling at her a waving. One lady even gave her a porcelain doll. She has charisma. We got a ride and she played with the small dog in the car we were in. She was pretty tired. Then we had that conversation. We went to bed early because I brought her in on the morning boat to see Sean. He thanked me for bringing her in when we got there. I think he knew he was a dunce for not setting something up for father's day to to begin with. Sean did call Connor yesterday (an hour before the boat) so he went in after all. Connor is riding back with Sofie this afternoon. Sean I guess doesn't want to be away from "his family on father's day" to bring her back. The toad.

Some good news. The library treasurer is coming this Tuesday. I did email him on Saturday and he said he will give me my check on Wednesday. I will have my money for the lawyer in full by the end of the week (check has to clear, 3 days by bank rules). I feel SO much better! I am going to call the lawyer tomorrow and see if he will take some of the money Tuesday and get started.

Well, Will is home from his Soul weekend internship trip. If he takes the course he wants in college he will be able to marry people. Amazing.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

So tired...again

0 comments Posted by perphila at 8:20 AM

I should have made some phone calls yesterday but I went to work at the library instead. I didn't have to babysit so I took Cade and Sofie with me to work. I set a table up on the library porch and they had lunch there and read and did a puzzle. It was nice. Then they came in and played on the extra computer. One one patron came in so I was able to get a lot of work done. I am making a display for the summer about banned books and Cade is designing the sign to go with it. He is having fun with that. He helped me comb through the stacks for books the library carries that have been banned at one point or another to add to the display. I am going back today for a little while I have some shelving and processing to do. My hours are supposed to be two hours a day but I was there 7 hours yesterday. When we got home the kids played with the hose. It was a hot day. Sofie wore her new (to her) bathing suit. While they did that I spent the next two hours going through papers and stuff. I had to find my taxes for last year, my life insurance, and a few other things. I needed to fill out some forms for court and had to figure out child support stuff. After doing that I realized the math is all different for how much I should be getting. I should be getting $320 a week not $221. If I am really lucky Sean's attempt to get back at me will back fire. The more I look into things the more leverage I think I will have going into any mediation. I would be so happy if I could get $1000 a month for child support again. I could finally catch up on the rent! Still, I am not going to get all excited yet. I still have to focus on retaining the lawyer. I am going to email the library treasurer today and see if he can mail me my check. I also am going to ask the mom I babysit for if her check cleared so I can get some more money from her. Monday I will call the lawyer. Tuesday Cade has therapy and I am going to DHHS to give the the dental papers so they can add that to the collection. I will also ask them about a paper I got in the mail yesterday. They sent it to the clerks office about the court hearing. They said I only got health care from them as assistance and asked for Sean to pay medical. I need to ask them if they should have added food stamps in that and remind them Sean does pay medical for the kids but they have health care as a back up. That covers co-pays from me and eye care which Sean's insurance doesn't cover. Then I quick (or not) trip to the IRS office and see if they have a file for me I can copy about the whole tax mess so Sean can be made to pay for that. I still am waiting to hear about the whole licence issue with Sean. He has 21 days from June 2nd to file for a hearing with DHHS then after 30 days they will take other measures to collect which will include taking any and all licences he may have. On another note. Connor is supposed to visit his dad today and spend the night and come home tomorrow. He told me his dad called him and asked for him to come. I find it ironic Sean called and talked to Connor and never asked to speak to Cade. I reminded Connor of the rules. His dad has to contact me to confirm or he doesn't go. Connor said ok and that he would remind his dad. I still haven't heard anything from Sean and I am smelling a wonderful conflict later today. I did tell Connor though I was bringing Sofie in tomorrow to see dad for father's day and he is welcome to come as well. I am such a witch keeping him from his dad huh? Ok, I have work to do today...more later

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Feel Good Therapy

0 comments Posted by perphila at 6:30 PM

So, I could have freaked out but instead I made dinner. Nothing can make you feel better than sitting down to dinner with your family and telling stories and laughing about the day. I had a glass of wine too. I am sure that didn't hurt....:) One glass with dinner and no more. I don't need the headache or the bad example to set before the kids. Dishes are done for the day and so am I.

Got a Date

0 comments Posted by perphila at 4:32 PM

July 7th. That's my first court date. I am trying not to freak out. I know it's just a preliminary hearing so I shouldn't worry too much. I would feel better if I had the full amount for the lawyer so I could be prepared in time. Twenty days is just not a long away as you might think. Right now I have $2000 and I will have more coming in next week. I will call the lawyer and see if he will take the $2000 so we can get started. I just need some more time to get the rest. Timing is everything isn't it? Stay calm, stay calm....