Our Island Family Life

Connor still hasn't called. I guess I might try tonight. I feel so bad right now though I might do it tomorrow. Going for days at a time not talking to my kids is not something I like.

So, Sean went to the session on Monday. I called the place on Monday from Cade's cell phone and had to leave another message about wanting to cancel and reschedule. I left the cell number because I wasn't going to be home until around 5pm. No call back. I checked my messages when I got home and they had called saying since the case was opened up under Sean's name I couldn't cancel or reschedule. I would have to ask him to do it. Of course by then it was to late. Cade came home that night and told me his dad went there because Sean brought him and Cade saw his counselor briefly in passing and said hi. Sean had picked Cade up from his parents since he was in the area for his new tutoring job anyway. I will have to call DHS about that. We went to town the next day (Tuesday) and I was not pleased. I talked with Cade's counselor about it and she was confused. She said she didn't think anything had been set up as far as co-parenting counseling was concerned. She said she had referred Sean to the intake department because he said he wanted counseling for him and Kathryn and Ragan. I said that was fine and none of my concern. That is his life not mine. My issue was he called me and emailed me asking if I would be there and that it was about co-parenting. I explained to her my concerns and she told me she had talked to her supervisor about this and that everyone involved did not want to see a bunch of therapists in the mix to make things confusing. Sean was supposed to be going slow and doing things step by step. Which he wasn't in several areas including Cade (more on that later). So she called the intake while I was there and come to find out the intake session was just for him. I did not need to be there at all. It was about why he wants counseling for his family and it had nothing what so ever to do with co-parenting. I wanted to kick myself for falling into his damn stall tactics again. At least I went and asked for information. I wanted outside confirmation of things and I don't just take his word blindly like I used to. I still see that I want to. I tend to take his word at first blush but then I think, oh, wait a minute I need to check this out. That fact I have to do that for everything is tiring. As for Cade, Sean solved his problem of being in two places at once by leaving the kids with his parents. Why he even bothered to have them in the first place boggles my mind but what ever. His problem not mine. He did spend some time with them in Friday anyway and during that time again insisted to Cade he have Kathryn come into his next session. Sean said he wanted Cade and Kathryn to have a better relationship and how he was concerned how Cade must be upset with her ignoring him. Cade told him she could come next week. He was tired of repeating himself with his dad. He knew he dad would keep insisting until Cade caved and that he wasn't listening to what Cade wanted. Cade told me about this just before his session on Tuesday and during my alone time with his counselor I told her about it. She was not pleased. She had already told Sean that Kathryn was not going to be allowed into sessions until one, she meets with Kathryn first and two until Cade tells her she is ok with it. I just said she should be expecting Sean to think since Cade said yes to next week for this to be a done deal and so I was just letting her know. I told her I wanted out of the loop on this and as far as I was concerned this was between Cade and his dad. I did say that I felt Sean was trying to push Kathryn on Cade and vise versa. I think Sean thought once he was with her that they would all be one happy family and things are not turning out the way his delusional mind thought they would. If things don't work out they way he wants he will have to start seeing the bad choices he made and that he hurt his kids and of course he doesn't want to face that. He can't make the two of them like each other if they don't. It has to be up to them. Therapy might help but it can't be rushed or pushed. The counselor says she feels like Sean has some real organizational issues and seems to be wanting everything to be happening at once. Even though he has been told repeatedly she is the one making the clinical decisions and that things need to go one step at a time. I told her I didn't know if he was feeling pressure from Kathryn or financial ones or the court process but I have had to learn not to dwell much on that kind of stuff. More than likely he is slightly manic. His life is like waves. Nothing happens for a while then everything at once with a big crash. We are getting to crash level and all I want is for Cade to be out of it. Obviously things are not going hunky dory at home for him if he feels he needs therapy for him and Kathryn. Whoopie! I say. She said part of the problem she is having is that Sean calls her and leaves messages which she returns but never gets to speak with him. She tries to call him and has to leaves messages that he doesn't return. She doesn't want to be in the middle of us or having Cade being a middle man passing stuff back and forth because it is stressful to him. I agreed and that is why I don't ask him about stuff that goes on over there because I don't want Sean thinking this is ok. As for Sean and I communicating I told her I have the same problem she is experiencing. I have had to try and figure out all by myself how to share information and I took up a huge burden of doing everything. I was making myself ill from it and I have had to back off and that does lead to a smaller exchange of info but it will take time for Sean to see I will stay firm and not do everything. I hope that even though it will rough short term this will be good for the kids long term. It has been a long process and I have had to face a lot of anger from Sean about it since he still expects me to do everything but he has to be a parent too. She agreed he could be calling doctors and schools as well. Things like that. I felt better after leaving though because I now know what's going on for the co-parenting piece. Nothing. It is still in Sean's hands. I will call the intake soon and double check that if something does get scheduled for that I will be fully informed through them and when I am available but I will not set it up myself.

I am expecting a call today from the lawyer. He is going to confirm that Friday's court date is canceled. I talked with him yesterday to see if it was canceled and he said there was a paper snafu with the court and the magistrate but what they did know for sure was Sean did not object to the cancelation so all it needs the magistrates stamp of approval but he was sure it would be. I will be a little queasy until I know for sure but I feel good about it. I also told him I sent him and email. Why? Well, that was stress number one billion for this week. Connor had a session scheduled for Wednesday at 11am. It was the one I had rescheduled from last week because Connor didn't want to get up to make the 9am one. I should have made him go but as I said before, if I did how responsive would he have been? Connor was supposed to come home Tuesday night (he promised) and we would go from there. I hadn't heard from him in a few days and I had left a message for him to call me and reminded him he had promised to call but hadn't. I called again on Tuesday afternoon to see which boat he was coming home on. Sean answered the phone and said he was in the car and Connor wasn't there. They don't have a home phone only cells. I asked Sean what boat Connor was coming home on and he said he knew nothing about it. He said he was taking Connor to his session on Wednesday. I told him that was fine if he did but Connor promised to come home and I wanted to talk to him. He had promised to call as well and didn't. Sean said he would tell him. The way he said it I knew he wouldn't. I told Sean he needed to hand the phone to Connor because my trust level with Connor was pretty low. He is breaking promises to me and I want an explanation. Sean said ok and I hung up. Connor never called or bothered coming home. The next morning Sean sent me and email saying he canceled the therapy appointment. He said Connor's counselor said Connor didn't need to go back since Connor had made his choice to live with Sean in a well thought out manner. I was furious. Connor wants to live with Sean to get out of chores, work, homework, being polite and other responsibilities such as his volunteer time to ACE, also to see his girlfriend who is rumored to be using drugs which also was something I wanted to discuss as well as how Connor has been treating his siblings. I wanted Sean to see the big picture and not just the spin Connor was creating to pit the two of us against one another. I emailed all of this to Sean as well as the fact he shouldn't have canceled the appointment without discussing it with me first or I could have told him all of this. Sean then went on to say Connor doesn't call me or visit because I am being to confrontational. (insert scream here) That I should be more supportive of this transition. I pointed out that first of all this is not a done deal. Connor's time there is a trial and him not coming home regularly is showing how much this trial is failing. Second the real test isn't the summer time but during school when Connor has to get up before 10am and has to do homework and to look out for the winter depression. I informed Sean I was going to seek one week with Connor being with Sean and one with me along with therapy as part of the deal. I didn't say it but Connor's behavior is getting more and more like Sean and I am scared to death he might be heading down the bi-polar path. Sean had cc'd his email to me about canceling the appointment to my lawyer. Which is funny since part of the problem he said he had with me was claiming I took the kids out of therapy without telling him and that they all needed it. If that is true then why did he take Connor out? I told Sean I was going to reschedule an appointment and I would tell Connor when it would be. I feel like I should just throw in the towel sometimes with Connor. Seeing his dad more is fine with me. Living with someone who only wants to act like Connor's best friend and not a parent I have issues with. Connor needs a constant eye and strict supervision and Sean just isn't up for that. I need to think about Connor's best interest and him being with someone who isn't even dealing with his own mental issues much less on the look out for Connor's scares me. I tried all the compromises I could think of but in the end Connor needs structure and the coming and going as he sees fit is not a good thing for him.

So, that has been my crap for the week. Guilt for wishing Connor didn't exist sometimes. Still struggling with what my limits and boundaries should be. Riding the rising tide of mania...gotta love it.

I hate getting up early but I love having that time. Not to mention it takes about a good half hour for my nose to stop running every morning. Allergies? I have no clue. Anyway, I dropped the kids off (Cade and Sofie) yesterday and was able to polish off my latest book on the ferry ride home. It was SO sweet and funny. I can't recommend it enough. Cotillion by Georgette Heyer. My wits must have been dull to not have seen the ending coming sooner than I did. I was very pleased and for a while a bit scared the heroine would make a VERY bad choice. I can only imagine how the "hero" felt. He is totally not a hero but he is an everyday hero and really, in real life that's the kind of guy you want.

I was feeling very good about the ending which perked me up considerably. I then got a call from my lawyer which only heightened my mood. He called the court to see why we hadn't gotten word about next Friday and was told the reason was because Sean never answered the court about the cancellation. So, the judge seeing the case was out Friday but would be back on Monday and she would make a decision and he would let me know by Tuesday if we are going or not. Seeing as how Sean is now no longer in a position to object it is looking like Friday's court date about the child support will be canceled. One can only hope. As for the co-parenting therapy (which btw my own therapist thinks is something Sean can not do) I told him about Sean taking Connor to the concert in Boston and the costs etc verses the money arguement for not going to therapy he said Sean not going only looks bad for him. I told him I was going to email Sean and tell him as far as that subject goes I have done my part and if he is committed to going he can set something up with community counseling but we will be taking a gamble on who we will be getting. The lawyer said that sounded like a good plan and that I have done enough running around and it is only fair Sean take a turn. My therapist said the same thing so I feel a little less guilty about it all. Again, is this my responsibility? I tried to set something up, Sean said no, his turn. Right?

I was also pleased I was able to get a cleaning job done yesterday (with Sofie no less) in only three hours and was able to easily catch the boat on time. The lady was impressed as well and said I performed a miracle. I have to agree since her son was there most of the time and....oh my goodness. The lady is so super nice. Her kids? I can't even begin on the yelling, fighting, rudeness...oh...I did not want Sofie there but I made her stick to me like glue and she was amazing. She did everything I asked, never got upset, answered me the first time, didn't cry or whine, listened. I was shocked she didn't have at least one problem in three hours but she didn't. I think she was a little stunned at the two kids behaviors. As much as I like the money I am glad that job is almost done for the summer.

Speaking of therapy. Cade did some CBT yesterday. I was very pleased. His session went well and he and I had a good talk afterwords. There is a HUGE difference between Sean and me as people and parents that can be confusing for Cade. I am very expressive so even if I tell the kids I am doing ok my face may not always look like I am doing fine. Still, I am always true to my word and do as I say. Sean on the other hand has two facial emotions, stony or angry. He says all the right things then turns around and does the opposite. They trust my word but worry for me. I am still trying to make sure the kids don't worry for me. The kids don't trust Sean's words at all but want to and get hurt over and over. So we are working on Cade being able to take care of himself and be able to express himself when he needs to.

My session was fine. I cried a lot. Again. It's because I am so close to that emotional edge right now. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel but it's still pretty far off. My homework until next time is to ask myself every time I do something, "Is this my responsibility?" I take on too much and it is making me sick. So, I am putting it in practice right away. I realized yesterday on the boat that since this is Sean's weekend with the kids and since he is supposed to be bringing them back on Sunday, how is he going to be able to do that if he is in Boston with Connor? It is not my problem to figure this teleportation problem for him. Instead of asking him about it I just emailed him last night as normal about me dropping them off and I asked him to tell me if he was going to be coming back on the 4pm or the 7pm so I would know which boat to meet. So far no response but it's still early. I still feel a worried ache in my chest about it but I am trying to step back...cross your fingers.