Our Island Family Life

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Death warmed over

0 comments Posted by perphila at 7:59 AM

Yesterday was not so bad. I was able to get a lot of my house cleaned. I was going to go help cook at a wedding but I got a phone call I had to take and between call backs and being on hold for this and that I was playing phone tag from about 1pm until at little after 3pm. I felt awful for missing the wedding but I had to take the calls since they were busy work for the university so I can get my books sent to me and stuff like that. I worked at home (the kids rooms upstairs was just awful) and I made myself stop at 4pm and have fun time for me. I watched a few things online and made myself a meal just for me. Will had a friend over so they were out fishing and I was by myself for a few hours. I can not remember when the last time that has happened. I was going to stay up past my normal bedtime but couldn't, I was too sleepy. Good thing because I woke up many times last night. First with a stomach ache then that went away only to morph into a sneezing fit/runny nose thing. I took some anti allergy stuff this morning. I hope it works. I have to go clean windows for someone today and take trash out at a couple of other places before I walk home with the kids from the dock. Will has tomorrow off and is spending the night in town with friends. He doesn't get to do stuff with his friends much so he is pretty happy about it. I will try and take it easy today though as much as possible. I start babysitting again starting tomorrow. I feel better knowing I will have that job even if it's week by week to figure out the hours. I have been taking Sofie with me to the library so I will try taking both of them tomorrow for story hour. We'll see how he does. He gets a little excited. I know now Sofie will sit through the whole thing and do a poem. Well, I had better get some breakfast and start the day.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Lucky Me

2 comments Posted by perphila at 6:36 AM

Went to town yesterday to drop off the kids. Everything went rather smoothly. Sean was late of course but the kids and I knew he would be. Cade was a little worried what would happen if his dad didn't show up. It's little things like that I find bother me a lot because it shows how much Cade worries. We have dealt with this for years now and I keep telling Cade the same thing over and over again but he just keeps asking. I have told him repeatedly if his dad is so late I risk missing the boat home (which is the last boat of the day and I would be stuck in town) that we just all get back on the boat and go home. No big deal. He gets concerned if his dad will get mad at me because of it. I tell him I can't leave them alone in the city without a parent and dad would understand that and if he wants his time with them he will come out to the island the next day to get them. Again, no big deal. In reality Sean probably would be angry and after I remind him of what a bad idea it would be to leave them alone at the bay lines waiting for him he would calm down. Then of course he would ask ME to bring them in again which I would have done in the past but no longer. Which again would make him mad. Oh well.

Anyway, it was five minutes until the boat was to leave and they were boarding when he showed up. I wasn't freaking out like in the past because I have a plan now of what I will do and that makes me quite calm. He gave me an envelope and they left. I had emailed him Thursday about Connor and the weekend and no response. Yesterday I emailed again and asked him if he could bring the check he was supposed to replace for dental bills I had to send back to him. I reminded him it had been weeks now since I sent it and he could save on a stamp. Since he is so poor I though he would want to save on that 44 cents....:) He didn't respond but I guess he got the email because there was a check in the envelope. The one I got before from Kathryn was for $300, the one from Sean was for $249. I have no idea why it was less or such an odd number. I will have to go back over my records and figure out the exact amount he owes again. What a pain. So I am walking to the ferry when I ran into a guy who lives on the island here and has his own boat. He asked me if I wanted a ride instead of the ferry and I agreed. I saw another summer couple were going with him (his cousins) and another year round guy and his daughter. Nice, I thought. I knew it was a lobster boat and it would be kind of messy but I have gone back with the guy before and I wasn't bothered by it. I was surprised to see he had a full load of bait this time. Usually coming back in the late afternoon or evening from the city he is out of bait. So, the smell was...ripe. Lucky me. I knew once we were out though the wind would blow the scent away...lucky me...:) We get going and I realize he has had a few drinks. This guy I have mentioned before is bi-polar and has been doing well for a while. He used to be a real heavy drinker and it took years to figure out he was bi-polar and more than just depressed or an angry drunk. I haven't spoken to his wife about it in a while so I have no idea if he has been taking his meds and I knew he would take a drink or two but I could see this was going to be an interesting ride. We weren't even out of the harbor and we came alongside a ferry filled with charter people going to another island for a function and he was all "look at me" with his arms out stretched and he had a beer. He threw the can overboard when he was done and thumped his chest and the people on the ferry booed him for littering, shaking their heads and stuff. Lucky me. I was trying to look for the positives here. I saved $11.50 for a ticket. I would be home 45 minutes early, hopefully. The ocean was nice, the day was clear, I was chatting with people I knew. Lucky me. Then our chat was stalled when he heard the guy start yelling. He had been talking to his cousin and I have no idea why she started talking politics but that set him off. He was yelling and swearing and violently moving around. He was mad at the "politicians" though and none of us. I now know he, "G**D*** F****** hates" them and wants to hurt them for taking "his" money. Lucky me. This went on for about 20 minutes. We were getting closer to home and he started to head out to sea and we had to remind him to turn toward our island. Can after can went over board and I lost count at six. I knew he did it so he wife wouldn't be able to count how many he had. She would know he was drunk of course but not exactly how much. At this point I was kind of certain he hadn't taken his meds in a while...lucky me. We had to remind him again to turn towards the dock and again to stop before he hit the rocks when he was trying to tie up to the float. Hey, by then we were close enough to swim. 60 degrees isn't to bad for water temps. He got us there though safe and sound. It had been quite the ride. His cousins thought it was quite funny and I am sure just another story to tell of the crusty lobsterman. Idiots. I had to crawl off the boat since the boat wasn't tied off quite close enough and I got god knows what on my pants. Lucky me. Then, since I was half and hour early my ride wasn't there and I had to walk home. Lucky me. Oh well. I saved some money and got home early. On top of that I was reminded again of how different people have different behavior with bipolar. Not everyone is the same and knowing it and seeing it are two different things. Sean is very different in how he acts. Much sneakier, and his angry explosions are shorter. Since he isn't a big drinker I am sure he has fewer of them because of that. He is slowly drinking more and more as time goes by. I am sure by his 40's he will be a big drinker but for now he is still working his way up. Again, lucky me.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Nervous and feeling it

3 comments Posted by perphila at 7:05 AM

Had trouble sleeping last night. I think it's because I am now enrolled in college. I want to puke. I know it is a good thing for me and my life. I found a place I do everything online which fits my life with the kids best and is a good balance between the kids, school and working part time or even full time here during the winter. Not that I even know if I will be able to babysit this winter. I might see about finishing the cataloging at the library until it gets too cold a few hours a day. That whole stress is worrisome. I got a grant that will pay for my first semester and half of the second. I can now look for scholarships but I do have a loan in place as back up. That of course nearly killed me. I hope I can find more...still, I am less excited about it and more feeling like I bit off more than I can chew even though I am only going to take two classes. I start next month. After my court stuff thank god.

Anyway, I had many dreams last night. Dreams I am sure were manifesting from all my knotted nerves. I was at Sean's parents house and there was this guy there, I didn't recognize him but maybe he was meant to represent Sean. He seemed normal but he wasn't. He turned out to be like a Dr. Jekell/Mr. Hyde guy. More Hyde the Jekell since he was Hyde most of the dream except the beginning. I had two brothers in the dream. I was a male in this dream and I wonder if if this was in some way meant to be symbolize Sean and his two brothers with me filling the Sean slot. I was the youngest however not the oldest like Sean and the weakest. Maybe that was my brain's way of making me female? Anyway, Hyde was fast, strong and brutal. I was always just able to keep out of his clutches but barely. The brothers tried to fight him off but he was too strong but they slowed him down enough for me to run. He was almost normal once and told us to find some seed that could be made to calm the beast and I said I would get it since I was the weakest in fighting and would be better to search but he didn't want to let me go. He turned then and threw the brothers off. I ran to the woods and climbed a tree and jumped from tree to tree to keep him at bay. He got to the top with me on one and I distracted him by pointing to another tree that had something caught in it's branches. These trees were by the house and it looked like someone had thrown handmade knitted baby blankets on it. Weird but whatever. I told him to reach for it and I swayed the tree back and forth and we rocked like a swing slowly. It was very relaxing but with each rock we got closer and closer and I remember thinking I could see the end coming when he will have gotten all three blankets and then he would be back to trying to kill me. Still, even with this dangerous, powerful, insane killer next to me, the here and now rocking was very nice and I would have liked it to have lasted. Then the blankets were gone, he turned to look at me and I hopped away just as he lunged for me and he fell. It didn't stop him though and I saw the ocean from the tree top and took off for it. I knew if I could get to sea he couldn't find me because he wouldn't be able to smell me. He climbed back up no worse for wear (like a zombie that never dies) and chased me. I dove in from the last tree but he could still get me if he could see me. He didn't for some reason and I got on a boat and sped off. I hated the fact in order to live I would have to change my whole life and lose my freedom by staying at sea or only go on land for short periods on far away shores. The risk to my life was too great. I knew I would have a good life this way though even though I had to give up so much of what I was used to and loved. I would be alive which is a big plus and I would be doing something new and exciting but it wasn't my choice. I kept wanting to go back to be with my family but couldn't. He would always be there, waiting for me, wanting to kill me. If I found someone new to be by my side he would smell me on them and try to kill them too. I could never go back and have the life I wanted no matter how good the new one was going to be.

So here I am now, I have barely slept, I have a headache, I nearly threw up this morning from stress, I have to go to work soon so I am trying to eat slowly so I don't puke. I have to take Cade and Sofie into town and see Sean today. I emailed him this morning and asked him to bring the replacement check for dental bills he should have given me two weeks ago. He never responded to the email I sent yesterday about Connor. I almost hope he cancels the appointment so I can try and have him removed from making medical decisions for Connor. I really doubt they will like Connor living with Sean full time if the court agrees to that. I am so tired. So very very tired.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day Off?

3 comments Posted by perphila at 1:33 PM

So, I am feeling super tense. I was feeling really good yesterday. It was raining and I cleaned up most of the afternoon after I came home from a public meeting for the school and working at the library. I made a nice dinner and watched some cartoons with Sofie and snuggled up in bed. I wish it was raining again today. Cade and Sofie have been snipping at each other all morning. It's like they knew I didn't have to "work" today and saved it up to take out on me. I had been hoping to get some busy paperwork done today. I did get some done but breaking up a fight every five minutes is making me quite punchy myself. I was able to finally schedule an appointment for Connor for next week. I emailed Sean about it and called Connor. He actually spoke to me! He was all sullen and broody. I asked him if he was mad at me and he asked me why I thought that. I told him since I have called him and he hasn't returned my calls or called me or come home in almost two weeks that was a pretty big clue. He didn't say he was mad or not. I asked him when he was coming home and he said he didn't know. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing. (scream) So I just started rambling about what I was up to and what we were doing here and he finally started laughing. He then told me some stuff about what he had been doing and his plans to see one of his friends this weekend. He would be on another island and not with his dad. Of course that would mean he would be going another week without seeing Cade and Sofie. I told him about the new appointment and he sounded annoyed. He wasn't thrilled his physical was coming up either. Oh well. Then I emailed my lawyer and let him know of all the latest counseling developments.

At the moment I am filling out some paper work for college classes I can take starting next month. It would be online and I spent a while gathering financial stuff. If I can do the online class stuff while Sofie is in school in the morning then be able to babysit in the afternoons it might all work out. It's all tentative at this point. Wish me luck...and patience...:)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Back into the money pit

0 comments Posted by perphila at 7:45 AM

I have no money coming in again. Lovely. Summer is pretty much over here. I have a few last cleaning jobs to finish up and about $350 heading my way then nada. I don't even know if I will be able to babysit anymore thanks to Connor and his bailing out on me this summer.

Speaking of Connor, Cade had his session yesterday and I had another chat with his counselor. I guess she has called Sean 4 times with no response and has decided not to call him back again and leave it up to him. If he doesn't get his way he drops off the face of the earth. I told her again how I face the same communication problems with him and I know that it would be in the kids best interest to have better communication with their father but she can see the problem I am facing. She said how in the conversations she has had with Sean how it seems as if Connor is now taking Sean's side in things. I wanted to scream. I told her how I didn't feel that there were sides in this and Sean is making it turn out this way. I explained to her how in Sean's complaint to the court his claims of Cade stealing and the negative atmosphere I am supposedly creating and the bashing of him that is going on and she was incredulous. She asked me how he was going to prove that. I told her I didn't know but I had pretty big fears Connor would be brought to court to back his dad up since most of the stuff Sean was saying Sean said he heard from Connor in the first place. Connor of course will say whatever he can to make what Connor wants to happen. Since Connor wants to live in town to be near his girlfriend and to live where he has no responsibilities than he will have no problem lying to do it. Cade doesn't tell her anything about me being negative etc. I told her Connor behavior is like his fathers in the sense that he will say what he thinks people want to hear. Such as in Cade's sessions Sean agreed to drop the whole money/stealing issue but in court with me it is a major point that he has to "negate this pattern of behavior". If this was such a huge issue then wouldn't it have been vital to discuss this in therapy? I know some kids think there are sides to divorce. One parent over another and all that stuff. ( I personally never felt that way) I have always told the kids there isn't a side to this and that as angry as they were with their dad at the time to be angry at the behavior not the person and tried to explain their dad's mental illness to give them compassion but not a free pass for his actions. Connor views all of that as me bashing his dad. When his brothers and sister are upset about their dad and vent or complain he thinks they shouldn't and them talking to me about it equals bashing sessions. He is one seriously messed up kid if I do say so myself. Love him but want to yank my hair out at the roots to get him to understand stuff. I left Cade's cell phone at home yesterday so I wasn't able to call Connor's counselor to set up another session. I was so mad at myself for forgetting it. I will try again today.

I better get ready for the library. I already got paid for the work so I better show up...:)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just Toast Please...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 8:33 AM

I knew I was in for a long night when Cade told me his tummy hurt around 8pm last night. Sure enough he was throwing up and other things all night long. I am still doing laundry. Even Sofie and can get it in the bucket....is it a male thing? Anyway, Will is home to keep and eye on him while I go to my two cleaning jobs today. No fever and he seems to have stopped with the out going fluids stuff. I am just finishing off breakfast and then I will get going. I still have stomach pains myself but it is getting better. What a strange virus. I am pretty much still living off toast, soup and ginger ale. I can't wait to get back to normal. I hope Will and Sofie stay healthy.

Still no word from Sean or Connor. I am really starting to get angry with Connor. He is ignoring me now. I haven't done anything to him for him to act this way to me. I don't blame Sean at all. Connor is the one who knows better. *sigh*

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sleepy

0 comments Posted by perphila at 11:20 AM

It took all I had to roll out of bed this morning. I'm at work now and about to go to my second job. Sofie is with me and is watching the guys outside build the new steps the library. She is sitting on the bench quietly and just in awe. The guys think she is very funny and cute.

My stomach still hurts but sharp pains I can deal with. As long as I am not throwing up I am good. I have two cleaning jobs for tomorrow but I am going to try and take it easy. I do feel a little in the clouds but I can blame that on benedryl...:)

I am still feeling stressed. Mostly because my house is a wreak from me not doing anything for two days. The boys help but it's just not enough. No word from Sean in response to my email on Monday or from the lawyer to him. What a shock...the "if you ignore the problem it will go away" way of thinking. I can only imagine where Connor gets it from? I don't answer emails if Sean is being abusive but other than that answer everything. It feels SO good to have the co-parenting therapy set up off my shoulders. I tried, I really did but now I will have to wait and see. That in itself is a little stressful but less so than having all the responsibility on my shoulders. I am looking forward to my own therapy next week and Cade's. I will call on Monday to arrange something for Connor. If Sean cancels it again then the court will frown on him and any plans he had of having Connor full time will be out the window.

Guess I had better close up shop for the day.