Our Island Family Life

I don't know if I should laugh or cry when it comes to Sofie on some days. Right now I am leaning towards laughter. Of course she is sleeping right now and that is helping me immensely. She has those days once and a while where she gets into everything. Today was that day. She has a hard time understanding the part of not touching things that do not belong to you. She has been whiny as well. I have no idea why she is like this today. Things are a bit off though. All the boys are home. The wind is pretty wild and I am glad I decided to stay home and go shopping tomorrow instead. Cade twisted his ankle this morning and we had to put it up for a few hours. He is ok now but he is still limping a bit. It's always something with someone. The older boys didn't want to get stuck in town either so stayed. Connor went to work and Will helped me cook up some leftovers to clean out the fridge for my big shopping day. He also helped fix the VCR after Sofie got a tape stuck in it and pinched her finger. Like I said, one of those days. While I helped her come down from her high pitched shrieks of pain he got the tape out. She was fine of course. Not even a red finger or a scratch. She was just scared. Will was trying real hard to not laugh at her. Her pitch is so high I think I will suffer hearing loss in the future.

Well, I told Cade his dad called and that Cade needed to call him back after school. Cade got so stressed he got sick to his stomach and had to come home early. Cade called at 3:3o and left his dad a message because Sean didn't answer. Now it is 8pm and bed time and no call back. All this stress and worry for nothing. Time for bed and I'm turning the phone off for the night. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I swear. I am never answering the phone during the daytime again if I see Sean's name on the caller ID. If it's when the boys are home, fine. Most likely he is calling for them anyway. I thought the hardest thing I would have to do today was defrost the freezer. I was going for a totally emotionally stress free day. No such luck. So, since I didn't answer the email he sent he decided to call instead. Two big things. One was about Connor. He wanted to know if I got his email. I said yes and didn't volunteer anything else. There is nothing to say. He asked if Connor was staying after today and tomorrow. I said no. He asked why. I said he didn't need to. He asked if all his work was made up and the whole idea if explaining to him about how certain teachers are only there certain days would have been over his head anyway. I said he was using his academic support block in school to take care of things and staying after wasn't necessary. He asked about the absent marks and I had to explain the scheduling snafu which made it look like he was out for one or two classes three days a week when he was there in a different class. Connor had already explained this to him before and here I was doing it again. He asked if Connor was coming over to see him this weekend and I told him Connor had planned on working this weekend so I doubted he would. He said, "This Friday?" I swallowed all my sarcastic responses and simply said yes. Then he said, "Well, I'll see Cade on Friday." Problem two. Now when the phone calls were going on between Cade and Sean last week over Halloween Cade had made the offer of switching weekends. That would mean he would be seeing his dad this coming weekend. Sean never answered Cade about it during their first talk at all. Sean also didn't say anything to me about agreeing to that when we talked during that same phone call. When Sean called back to tell Cade he could stay he never mentioned he expected to see Cade this weekend. He never said he was accepting Cade's offer. He never even said, have a good time see you next week. Nothing. When Cade hung up I asked him if his dad mentioned anything about this weekend and he said no. Sean never asked to speak to me and he hung up before I could ask. Cade did not think for one second he was going to have to go over there this weekend. Here is where I messed up. Another live and learn thing on how to make things are crystal clear with someone who is an expert of lies of omission and manipulation. I should have followed up and emailed Sean myself to check plans. I again made the mistake of trusting that Sean and one of his kids could come to a compromise neatly and clearly. Now I am going to have to clean up another emotional mess. I was taken by surprise obviously when Sean said that about Cade and I asked him what he meant. He told me, "We switched weekends." I told him I did not agree to that. What I had agreed to was for Cade to make the offer and that it needed to be worked out between them. I told him that when he called Cade last Sean did not talk to me directly about agreeing to a switch and that Cade has no idea that was what Sean was expecting. I told him he would have to talk with Cade tonight and settle things then tell me what their plan was after their conversation. In any case even if Cade agrees to come in for the weekend I would not be bringing him until Saturday. All my plans for Friday are postponed because we are supposed to be getting 45 mile an hour winds and the boat won't run in anything over 30mph. I might even keep the older boys home. Getting to town wouldn't be an issue but if the winds pick up then we wouldn't be able to get back. I haven't made an firm decision yet. I need to see the weather tonight first. Sean said ok about Saturday. I can tell in his mind it's already settled and Cade is coming. How am I going to have to break this to Cade? We had even made plans to go shopping on Saturday to Goodwill for pants and maybe find a new movie there. Do some window shopping for xmas. Maybe see a real honest to goodness movie with lunch. He is so looking forward to it. Now I will have to brace him to have to talk with his dad again. Another hard conversation. Tonight is going to be miserable. He was even talking about his dad today and it was not in a good way. Then of course there is Connor. I have to talk with him about his dad calling about his school. Connor is going to need to call him himself and tell him he isn't coming (or email) and explain his situation with his absences and make up work. Not what I wanted today.

For a long time when I was feeling overwhelmed at the stuff Sean was doing or was feeling the hurt and shame and sadness that comes with all of this I would think, envision if you will, I was a duck and that all the crap just slid off my back and I would chant, "quack, quack" over and over in my head. My own personal mantra of inner well being. I probably looked a little insane saying quack with my eyes closed but I think 9 times out of ten I did it in my head. At least I hope so. I think my duck died, or maybe it was covered like the ones you see on tv, slicked up with oil. It was like one of them and fighting for mental survival. So, I would like to introduce my new meditation focus, Watermelon Cat. It's funny. At least to me. It reminded me of how absurd the fight or whatever it is that is bothering me is in reality. I have a new picture and mantra to keep myself calm. Plus it's cuter than the duck. Maybe I can envision eating the watermelon when the crisis has passed as my own psychic reward. Sweet. I hope this works.

So, did a little digging with the school about all the crap Sean sent me today. He is so full of nonsense I could cry. Still, I looked into things anyway. I need to talk with Connor about his conference date for next week and remind him once again to remember to get a note from his teachers if he is going to be late for his next class if he gets held up in his previous class so he doesn't get marked tardy. He has to get over the fact HE thinks it's a stupid rule. After all he goes to all his classes and gets all his work done. Rules are rules though and even if he is doing the right thing by talking to his teachers about getting any late work done if it make him late for the next class he gets marked tardy without a note. The teachers he talks with should be giving him the notes as well but ultimately it is HIS responsibility since the person who is most affected is him. Still, all in all a minor issue in the big picture of things. I am not looking to talking with Connor because he gets all defensive right off the bat even if I am not one stitch upset with him. He just is ready to battle no matter what. Patience and a huge Valium would be nice but since I don't have any drugs I gotta go with the patience thing. I have chosen to not respond to Sean at this time. There is not point in escalating things further. I have mulled it over and communication is the best thing. The circumstances for that sadly are not currently in the equation. I sincerely believe that if I responded that no matter what I said even if I agreed with everything he said would end up in an argument. He is looking for a fight and I am not going to give him an excuse. I am also aware that not saying anything will also be construed as being a non co-parent like behavior from me. There again I have the weigh the evils and I think this one is the one to equal the least amount of strife for the time being. If Connor does have issues concerning school, VALID ones then I will inform Sean as I would have done anyway. I have been following his progress as it is and the implied statements from Sean that I wasn't irk me. When I see things slide I say something. When he misses school I remind him to check with his teachers for make up work. There is such a thing as self owner ship that needs to be considered. One of the things about the school is the fact it really encourages it's students to become self reliant. To be responsible for your own actions and work. To learn there are consequences to actions. That is why it is a pass or fail school. No A, B, C grades. You do the work and show the effort and show you really understand the material you pass. If not you fail. That's it. Your effort is also taken into consideration there. You may get an A on your test but it was obvious that your effort was lacking your grade drops. You have to pass the what the call HOW (Habits of Work) as well to get a well rounded pass mark. It's tough no question. Most students are taking college courses by their senior year and the first graduating class ALL went on to college. Connor needs this for his personality for sure. Stepping back to let your kids prove themselves and yet be observant enough to offer encouragement when needed is a tight rope dance for sure. One that Sean has no clue how to do. He has NO understanding of the school itself. It is like none other in the state and has educators from other countries come to observe and model after it. Will was one of the students chosen to represent the school last year when some of them came and he was also chosen to help the home ec teacher and just five students cooked lunch in 4 courses to 500 hundred people. What an opportunity. ok...enough...Connor will be home soon.

I am really really mad at the moment. I am trying not to over react and send Sean a scathing email right now. It has been a while since I got an email from him that really pissed me off. Bothered me a bit sure. Made me sad, of course, but spitting mad? No. I was shocked of course to even get an email from him about what happened last weekend. He mentioned Halloween and that "they" didn't give Sofie too much candy and that most of Sofie's candy was there because I probably had more than I knew what to do with. *snort* Then he went on to "explain" an incident that occurred and he wanted to explain it in case Sofie mentioned it to me. Right away I thought..oh and if he thought she wouldn't then he would have said nothing right? Apparently the girl put Sofie in a time out and Sean caught her and took Sofie out of it right away(who knows how long Sofie was in it) and explained to the girl she in no way had the authority to do that to Sofie and that he thinks she understands that now. I am thinking that if he felt the need to explain it then it is way worse than he is making it out to be. Still, I doubt he sees that this girl thinks she can order Sofie about and her doing the time out is way better than what she was doing which was punching Sofie and biting her which Sean still says the girl doesn't do to Sofie. The girl bit Sofie the weekend before last and teeth marks don't lie. I was already in a rather bad mood concerning Sean the past few days. I dunno, just old stuff and feeling old hurts. My problem. Not his. Even if he was the one who caused the hurts to begin with. This morning I spent a long time getting Sofie cleaned up after her weekend. I usually don't mess with her the first day back because I don't want her thinking that coming home means pain. Besides she spends most of her time sleeping. She slept for 5 hours at nap time. Also, I had to give her some tylenol because of a wound on her leg. I saw it Sunday and it was bloody and she had been scratching it. I was a bit taken aback. She said it was a bug bite but it wasn't. It looked like she had been poked with a stick or something. I cleaned it and it was all red around the edges and a little swollen. I knew it was the beginning of an infection. I dressed it and had one of the EMT's here look at it. I was doing the right thing and gave her some medicine and she seemed ok enough. I just have to keep an eye on it. She slept, got up and had dinner then wanted me to watch a movie in bed. She was just sluggish. Today she woke up early and ate a good breakfast and took a long shower. Her hair was a mess again. I redressed her leg, which is looking much better. The area around one of her shots she got on Friday is a little red. Her skin rash she gets from time to time was back and she had a rash on her bottom again. These things don't happen when she is home. I was just not a happy camper to see this and even though I don't mind taking care of her needs I shouldn't have to and I can only hope she wasn't too uncomfortable. Her fingernails were black. I trimmed them and still had to dig out dirt. These things take a long time and that is why I wait a day for her to recover before I do them. Otherwise she just gets upset and cries and whines. She was fine with me doing everything today. I feel a little bad I don't clean her up right away but I do major things first and then let her relax first. So after all that was done I get this email. I just wanted to have a cup of tea and have some toast. Did Sean mention her leg? No. Her rashes? No. Should I feel impressed he told me about the incident? I don't feel that way because he still isn't seeing the bigger picture. You know though? That isn't what made me mad. This was just more of the same and I can handle that now with maybe a nasty expression on my face but I don't get so mad I want to scream. The next few lines made me furious. It was all about Connor. How Sean got a copy of Connor's school reports and how it looked like he was missing stuff. How he needs to go to his support blocks. He wanted to know if Connor had unexcused absences? How he missed a lot of school and was in danger. That he went online and checked the powerschool info and he was concerned about Connor's missing stuff. How Connor could come to his house for the weekend and that Connor had expressed he wanted to come over and they could do some math. The last time Connor was there they didn't do any because Connor forgot to bring it. That I knew wasn't true because I packed it myself and Connor complained about it not getting done. I wanted to scream. You jackass. He hasn't done ANYTHING concerning Connor's education except for one conference since he left. That was in 2007. Connor refused to even see his dad for that because we had already had conferences that Sean didn't bother to go to. Sean just decided to go to the school and demanded to be seen. Yes, Connor is missing stuff. He is still making up work from when he was absent. All of Connor's absences are excused except for the ones where the school messed up his schedule and that happened to Will as well. In fact most of the school had that problem. He is not in any danger at all. His worst class is science not math and Sean didn't offer to help in that. Connor does stay for the after school blocks already as well as the in school study block. Connor is also aware if he doesn't pass all his classes he loses his xbox for the whole next semester. He will do anything to prevent that. I should be pleased Sean is showing an interest I suppose. It's just that I feel you can't just show an interest when you think things are going wrong. It is an everyday thing. You can't just step in and order people around and take over because things aren't the way you think that should be. Where is he for the everyday stuff? To ask if the homework is done? Making calls to the teachers? Where is he then? Also, why just Connor? Sean doesn't care how Cade is doing or Will. He hasn't said anything about Sofie maybe being able to start preschool this spring. You can't just pick and choose which kid to harass. I am trying to calm down before I answer him. In fact I may just ignore him completely. I am leaning towards that because I am thinking answering him is giving him what he realy wants. That isn't info on the kids but power over me and my emotions. Connor never said to me he wanted to see his dad next weekend at all. In FACT he told me just this morning that he was going to work for a guy on the island this weekend to earn some money for a new game he wants. He saw Sean on Sunday on the boat. Connor had gone into town for a few hours and they rode the same boat back. On that ride Sean told Connor he would help him pay for a new hard drive for his xbox. Connor had earned enough money to pay for half of it. Connor knows this is hot air and that's why he has a job lined up the the weekend. How do I talk rationally with someone who is so full of it? It isn't real concern for his kids but a need for control. Control of me. Control of the kids. I checked my bank account yesterday and I saw DHHS had taken more money from Sean. Nearly $350. I was thrilled. I am sure he is pissed about it so now here is the concern for school? He doesn't have the control over the money like he used to so now he will find another way to torture us. I really wish I could change the divorce to where he could have no say in the kids stuff. He doesn't try to work on things. He ignores then makes demands. If I try to do anything he holds the divorce over my head saying he can say no to anything and he will sue. Control again. It's should be about a father having some rights but instead it's used as a tool to abuse. There is no other word for it but abuse. I am so thrilled I have so many more years to be abused by him. Good thing I am not already depressed.

It was one of those weekends when planning things was just and exercise in futility. I was going to have company and was looking forward to it for over a month. At the last minute it didn't happen. The boys were sad too. It kinda messed me up a little bit food wise. I thought I needed more food than I had so I spent some money at the store here because I wasn't able to go to town where I can use my food stamps. We were out of milk, eggs, bread and juice. I had planned on going to town on the noon boat and going shopping after the school Halloween party but Cade and Sofie were able to get their flu shots at school for free at 12:30. So I had to weigh my options and got them their shots and spent the cash for the food. I had to take the 4pm boat to take Sofie in and I had no time to shop. It wasn't until I was on the boat home that I knew my company wasn't coming. I was bummed. I didn't have enough candy either because they were supposed to bring extra. Now what was I going to do? I made some cookies too. The next day everyone was out of sorts. Will had the day off which was nice. I called a friend and we made plans to give out candy at her house. My house is too far up the road for the little kids to go in the cold so I always give out candy at the end of the road. This year the friend I normally give out candy with is with her family right now because of her dad's passing. There were some summer kids out that Connor knew and he was off all dressed up my mid afternoon and playing. Cade left at 5pm to track them down and start trick or treating. We start early here. Will and I left around 5pm as well. Will was helping out the other Will for his Halloween party. Their friends were coming out on the 7pm boat and spending the night. This was at the same place I was going to anyway. The plan was my friend was to be a fortune teller and I was the innocent dupe. I brought some tarot cards and the like and she had a crystal ball. Everything was fine until the wind picked up. The candles just went out and we couldn't see very well even though I had brought a lantern and there was the street light. We were outside because you don't know if people are home from her house and have to walk a little wooded path to get to her front door so we were out by the road. It was cold and windy. I had bought a bottle of wine called Vampire (no joke) as a gag thing for my friend but she didn't come so I thought I would share it with my other friend. Too cold, dark and windy to bother. After the trick or treaters were done we went in to hopefully have at least one glass to try it out and I was going to read her fortune. Cade showed up and dug into his candy and Connor came by. We never got to try out anything. Another time I guess. The party was being held in the house next door which was empty and Connor had loaned out some of his xbox games and controllers for the party. He went over to check it out and ask if the games were ok. Well, he came back all miffed. All the kids there except my Will are seniors. My friend and I had been popping in and out to make sure it was a clean party. Connor is a freshman and as soon as he walked in one if the kids swore at him and told him to leave. He hadn't been planning on staying anyway but had wanted to help out if there were any problems with the games. He really isn't friends with them anyway and had planned on watching the Ghost Hunters live show at home. His "greeting" ticked him off and he asked for his games back. He was really hurt. The other Will came over to look for batteries for one of the controlers and his mom told him she was not pleased at all for how Connor had been treated. He, of course, said, "Well, when you crash a party..." like that made it ok to be rude. She just rolled her eyes. Crashed? Here? Gimmie a break. Besides, he wasn't going to stay but came to offer help and they would have known that if they hadn't mouthed off first. Will apologized and even gave Connor his controler back because Connor couldn't do anything at home because he had given them his. Connor let them keep one. Which was more than generous after how he had been treated. Connor said he didn't care but you could tell he did. We got a ride home and watched Ghost Hunters for a bit. Connor was tired all of a sudden though and went to bed. I have noticed he gets "tired" when he is feeling low and sleeps quickly. I felt bad he had a horrible end to his evening. He had a great time the rest of the day and got loads of candy. He is a bit old for trick or treating but the people here encourage the older kids to go out. We get rid of extra candy that way and it keeps the older kids away from wanting to go to town and get into the drug stuff and drinking parties. The older kids love dressing up as much as if not more than the younger kids. None of them act like they are too old or too cool for Halloween. The adults all dress up and it's fun and some people use more than one outfit.