Our Island Family Life

I did some juggling and instead of leaving at 6 am we are leaving at 9 am. Why? Connor. He did his usual ranting and raving about going to therapy at 9 am today and I rescheduled it for next week. Why? Aren't I just letting him get his way? Well, who thinks therapy is going to be beneficial one iota if he doesn't even want to be there or be awake? Not me. Did I even want to be there and get stressed and drag Cade around and pay a sitter 3 extra hours for Sofie for Connor's sake? I talked with his counselor and told him about the problem and that his time with his dad isn't changing Connor's attitude one bit. The whole "I'm tired" thing is still going on and is used as a crutch. I told him I know the next session was supposed to be with his dad as well but I want the next one to be for Connor and myself to address our family problems first. I told Connor about the change and he asked me if his dad knew about the one for today. I told him that was none of his business. He seemed a bit stunned. Then he said his dad was taking him to a concert in Boston on Sunday. Now, I knew this concert was coming up (I thought it was on Tuesday though) and I knew Connor wanted to go and his dad had expressed interest in taking him. Did I know it was a done deal? No. Do I mind? Not really. What I find interesting is the fact they are going to drive down early, buy a book and wait in line for it to be hopefully signed by the author who is one of the band members from the concert they will be seeing, bought tickets to see it, buying food for the day and paying for who knows what else and yet..and yet...Sean said he couldn't pay $45 upfront for therapy? Why should I bother to make it happen? I really want to give up. Oh, and they think they will be able to drive back the same day. Riiiight. I see a hotel stay in their future. Mr. Poverty Stricken will have a tough time won't he?

Back at the library and taking a few minutes before opening to settle myself. I am in bad shape. The stress is getting to me big time. Yesterday morning I missed out on my morning nursing job because my sitter didn't come (I switched my town day from Tuesday to Thursday due to Connor's therapy) and around 9am I started feeling sick to my stomach. Nausea so bad I almost lost it. I was in and out of it for 3 hours and I hoped it was a fluke. Something I ate or didn't eat enough or some bug. Today I got up as normal, although I have been feeling run down a bit, and about 20 minutes before I had to leave I began feeling it again. I remember a few months after Sean left I began feeling this way. At the time I didn't think it was stress related. I wasn't thinking about stuff before the waves would hit or anything. It lasted a good six months but was only really bad for about three. Every single morning I would have it. I couldn't brush my teeth until noon or eat until late morning because I would just feel sick. I didn't eat much yesterday. It was freaking hot out though so I know I wouldn't have eaten much anyway. I had some yogurt this morning and I really wish I hadn't an half an hour later. Now I am having an apple and I hope it isn't too much but it is a delicate game I am playing. I hope it doesn't last as long this time but I know it is stress. I can see last time was too. I really don't want an ulcer or acid reflux or something. The nausea is bad enough.

Had company over the weekend, that was nice. I still had one 11 hour work day during that time and more or less normal hours the rest of the time. The next week here is going to be harsh and I know that is part of my problem. I also don't want to go to all the therapy appointments tomorrow and miss out on work but I know I have to. I am looking forward to my own but not Connor's. I am kind of blank on Cade's. I still don't have a proper sitter for Sofie yet and that is making me feel bad. Leaving her behind makes me feel bad. After this I have to clean a house which I don't want to do in this heat. Then another. Thursday in town day. Friday, nursing job, library, cleaning, take kids in town, nursing job. I feel like I am stretched a bit thin.

Connor has been home since Friday. I am shocked. He did leave to spend the night with a friend on another island on Monday but he came home the next day. I never thought I would feel stressed out having my own child at home with me but that is how I feel around him now. Like I am being watched and talked about and spied on. Judged and ignored. My friend could see the change in him as well. He didn't even sit down for a whole meal with us. He sat pushed food around then left the table. He spoke a little but spent most of the time outside of the house. He is distancing himself and it is heartbreaking and I just don't understand why. I feel like I am doing everything I could possibly do wrong with him. What bothers me a great deal is how much of his father's bad behaviors he is displaying. Sean isn't totally evil. He does have a good trait or two. I wish Connor would latch on to those things and not the negative. Of course the negative scale is pretty heavy so...

On a nicer note I was able to pick up Sofie's ballet clothes last Friday. I gave them to her Monday morning when she woke up and she was thrilled and dressed up in them right away. She spent most of yesterday in and out of them doing made up dance routines while listening to Bach. I really have to take her picture. So cute...:)

Still queasy...

So, I once again told Sean he needed to be at the bay lines today at the normal time. I told him I would have Sofie with me but Cade was going to stay because he is going to be a waiter at the community breakfast Saturday morning which he does EVERY year and Sean and him fought over it last year and Cade stayed that time too. I didn't realize it was this Saturday until yesterday evening. I then said Cade would meet him at the dock for the 4pm boat back that Saturday afternoon and I would be waiting to pick both kids up on Sunday as usual. I didn't cave and the one change I did make was for Cade and was for an event that he does every year and Sean is well aware of that fact if not the exact day. I got a reply this morning. One sentence, "I'll be there tonight."

* Big sigh of relief*

A week of hair pulling misery for me. I need to get tougher for sure. Next week the kids will be with me anyway and all I will need (hopefully) to worry about is if we go to court this month or not. No word yet. I will have to call the lawyer again today. I will also have to talk to him about the co-parenting counseling. It isn't going to happen unless I do something. I think it will have to be through the agency Cade goes through that Sean and I went to last time. I would prefer to set it up if that is the way we have to go since I can try and request someone tough. Most likely though we will get whoever we get. The person we saw last time is out because Sean already said he didn't want to see her. Whatever. More crap for me to deal with. I feel so burnt out I think I am shaking in my brain, soon it will be a physical thing.

Oh well, back to work, still cataloging books into the computer system. Wee...

Sitter problems again. I had to bail from a cleaning job this afternoon because I have no one to watch Sofie. I had someone for my first job this morning but she could only do the morning. Will had planned to have the day off but got a call last night to come in today to go sell. When he gets back I can try and do as much of the job as possible before my evening job. I don't mind being home with her. I wish I could do it all day. I miss the winter time all ready. I am so tired and hormonal right now. Not to mention my arms are very sore.

I despise the heat. Summer is my least favorite season. I should be cleaning a house right now but I am not going until it cools off some.

Today was supposed to be a in town day. Therapy, food shopping, stuff for the house shopping and a myriad of other errands.

I have been going straight out. I really shouldn't be posting and should be doing a chore or something but I am thirsty and giving my feet a rest.