Our Island Family Life

Back at the library and taking a few minutes before opening to settle myself. I am in bad shape. The stress is getting to me big time. Yesterday morning I missed out on my morning nursing job because my sitter didn't come (I switched my town day from Tuesday to Thursday due to Connor's therapy) and around 9am I started feeling sick to my stomach. Nausea so bad I almost lost it. I was in and out of it for 3 hours and I hoped it was a fluke. Something I ate or didn't eat enough or some bug. Today I got up as normal, although I have been feeling run down a bit, and about 20 minutes before I had to leave I began feeling it again. I remember a few months after Sean left I began feeling this way. At the time I didn't think it was stress related. I wasn't thinking about stuff before the waves would hit or anything. It lasted a good six months but was only really bad for about three. Every single morning I would have it. I couldn't brush my teeth until noon or eat until late morning because I would just feel sick. I didn't eat much yesterday. It was freaking hot out though so I know I wouldn't have eaten much anyway. I had some yogurt this morning and I really wish I hadn't an half an hour later. Now I am having an apple and I hope it isn't too much but it is a delicate game I am playing. I hope it doesn't last as long this time but I know it is stress. I can see last time was too. I really don't want an ulcer or acid reflux or something. The nausea is bad enough.

Had company over the weekend, that was nice. I still had one 11 hour work day during that time and more or less normal hours the rest of the time. The next week here is going to be harsh and I know that is part of my problem. I also don't want to go to all the therapy appointments tomorrow and miss out on work but I know I have to. I am looking forward to my own but not Connor's. I am kind of blank on Cade's. I still don't have a proper sitter for Sofie yet and that is making me feel bad. Leaving her behind makes me feel bad. After this I have to clean a house which I don't want to do in this heat. Then another. Thursday in town day. Friday, nursing job, library, cleaning, take kids in town, nursing job. I feel like I am stretched a bit thin.

Connor has been home since Friday. I am shocked. He did leave to spend the night with a friend on another island on Monday but he came home the next day. I never thought I would feel stressed out having my own child at home with me but that is how I feel around him now. Like I am being watched and talked about and spied on. Judged and ignored. My friend could see the change in him as well. He didn't even sit down for a whole meal with us. He sat pushed food around then left the table. He spoke a little but spent most of the time outside of the house. He is distancing himself and it is heartbreaking and I just don't understand why. I feel like I am doing everything I could possibly do wrong with him. What bothers me a great deal is how much of his father's bad behaviors he is displaying. Sean isn't totally evil. He does have a good trait or two. I wish Connor would latch on to those things and not the negative. Of course the negative scale is pretty heavy so...

On a nicer note I was able to pick up Sofie's ballet clothes last Friday. I gave them to her Monday morning when she woke up and she was thrilled and dressed up in them right away. She spent most of yesterday in and out of them doing made up dance routines while listening to Bach. I really have to take her picture. So cute...:)

Still queasy...