Our Island Family Life

Had my court date yesterday. I did some run around errands first since the mediation wasn't until 1pm. I found out my state insurance plan no longer covers the meds I take for my migraines. Lucky me. They cover something else I haven't tried. So I walked across the parking lot to the doctor's office to see if it was ok to try it. I won't know until Friday I think. Then I went to counseling. It was a good session. I tried to buck up for the afternoon. Then I went to DHHS to check and see how far behind Sean is exactly. As I mentioned I had reorganized all my files and paperwork last week and I found the pin number to call the office about collections and stuff but it only goes back 3 months and it all automated. So, I wanted to talk to a live person and ask them why Sean still had his license since the last time I got paperwork from them was in June saying they were taking it but nothing since. Well, lo and behold they are still waiting to take it but the lady told me she has seen this game played time and time again with deadbeats. They get the notice for a bank attachment and/or to revoke all licenses and the men (or women) file papers with the court about child support or custody. When that happens DHHS can still collect but they can't put liens on assets, do bank account attachments or revoke licenses until the court process is over. I felt so damn naive. He planned this. I was also told even though they are taking from his disability since it is a steady income and he is paying himself 148.00 a month he is still supposed to make up the difference. They can't take from his other little jobs since it isn't considered steady income and he is the one who is obligated to make up those payments. When he doesn't then they can go after him. What I was told was for his debate jobs, tutoring jobs, part time sub jobs since they can't get him I have to file contempt. I was so shocked.

So, Wednesday I was able to be without the kids most of the day. I dropped Sofie off with a sitter since it wouldn't have been a good idea to bring her to my session with Sean. As far as that goes it was ok I guess. We met the new counselor and she asked some questions. I let Sean answer everything first. I didn't add much. He lied about some stuff which I was expecting but it still bugged me. I had taken two anxiety pills before I got there so not much was making me angry. I still wanted to cry at one point but didn't. The biggest thing that stood out for me was the fact when we talked about meeting again she said she couldn't do afternoons since she meets kids and has to accommodate the school schedule. Sean said he could only meet in the afternoon. She said she didn't know what to tell us. I said nothing. Then she said the only other person available was Paula (who we saw before) and she was aware we didn't want to see her. I said I personally had no problem with seeing Paula. Then Sean said he was ok with it too. I was stunned since this is what he told several people there and I was aware of that. Also one reason we had to wait so long to see this Linda person was because Sean didn't want to see Paula and set something up which would have shaved weeks off in starting this. Linda was surprised and said she thought she had heard that we had a problem with seeing Paula and that maybe she misunderstood. No. You didn't, I wanted to say. I also didn't want to be lumped in with him in her thinking I didn't want to see Paula. It just wasn't worth it to say anything. So we are supposed to get a call from Paula about meeting next Tuesday. I picked the day since I was going to be in that building anyway bringing Cade in for his session at 3pm. We have court on Wednesday and I have to bring Sofie in on the noon on Friday for swim class and then to see Sean. Lots of work being missed. I am not going to budge on times at least for next week. So therapy, maybe, maybe not.

Got an email from Sean yesterday telling me he would have the kids back on the 4pm ferry. I was excited since today is my birthday and I would be able to have all four kids here to celebrate. I went to pick them up and they weren't there. I walked home crying. I knew right then he would be bringing them back today instead and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. He usually has them on long weekends so I had been feeling bad thinking they wouldn't be here most of the day and then Connor would leave when they got back so all four of them wouldn't be here for cake and presents. Turns out that is exactly what is happening so I didn't even bother making a cake. I know darn well he did this deliberately to hurt me because he knows it is my birthday. I still have a hard time grasping that he could do something like this. A friend stopped me on the road and gave me a hug. When I went to work at the library today I realized how upset Sofie was going to be missing out on the last story hour of the season. She had been practicing her poem to recite all week. The lady who runs it said she would come in on Friday so Sofie could do it anyway. So nice. I walked home after that and several people came up and hugged me and wished me a happy birthday. Most had already heard about what Sean did even though I hadn't told anyone. I had asked someone who got off the boat if they had been on it and that was all it took. Plus the other friend who saw me cry. I'm ok now but it just came out unexpectedly while I was going home yesterday. It feels awful to just burst out like that when you don't mean to. When I got home today there was a vase full of flowers on my table. We rarely lock our door here and this is one reason why...:) I have come home to food and clothes before too. This was just for me and I will take a picture of it. Connor didn't even wake up until just before I left for work today around 9:45am. He went to be a 9pm too. I talked with him briefly then had to leave. He wished me a happy birthday. He looked embarrassed to say it and asked me if I was 37. I said yes and he seemed pleased he remembered. He said he had something to give me but I had to wait until later and he would come by the library before he left on the noon boat. He showed up later and gave me a can of Moxie. I laughed since I knew he was making a statement. Connor and I are the only ones in the family who like it. Just the two of us so it was a very sweet gesture. Then he hugged me. When I got home I saw he had made his bed like I asked and did the one other chore I asked him to do. It was a nice change. He didn't do his writing of course but said he would do it on the ferry. I doubt it but it's his grade.

Connor came home yesterday. No warning, so I was very surprised. I was in my room trying not to rub my eyes. I had taken a claritin because my eyes were itching, red and swollen when there was a quiet tap at my door. I thought Will had come home from his friends house but it was Connor who peeped in. Stunned I asked him why he was here. Smooth huh? He laughed at me and said he was going to stay the weekend for my birthday. He is going back on Monday afternoon but it's still nice he is here. Of course no sooner did he say he was going to be here for the weekend he said he was going to spend the night at his friends house. I wanted to laugh. Since he has been gone most of the summer and his summer friends here don't go to school in town for him to see everyday I told him it was ok. He came home this morning, showered and puttered here for a bit and was gone again. I asked him yesterday if he had his calculator and he shook his head no and I just smiled at him. He then said, "You know where it is don't you?" I nodded and he smiled back completely embarrassed. He knew I knew he had been trying to string me along and he also knew I hadn't a planned on letting him know. I gave it to him and told him he would have to get batteries for it himself. He thanked me and agreed. Hopefully he will at least come home for weekends but he is still in his swing phase. I have noticed it has taken him a much shorter time to come home than Sean was making it seem like. I did find out Connor hasn't written his essay for school yet like he told me. I had emailed Sean a while ago and told him Connor had said he had written it and I wanted to read it. Now they both are telling me he hasn't done it yet. Lies...gotta love them. I just shrugged at Connor and told him it was his grade not mine but I still would be interested in reading what he had to say. Connor said ok. I doubt I will ever see it. He told his dad he would write it while he was here. Yeah, I don't see that happening. I am backing off big time. Connor has to deal with the consequences of his mistakes and I am not going to enable him or bail him out any more. He will be very angry with me which is going to hurt me like heck and I feel sick just thinking about it but there you have it. I am going to go and rest my red eyes now....

I slept for 12 hours. I guess I needed it. I was up at 3am yesterday morning and was so tense I couldn't get back to sleep. The kids and I took the 6am ferry and I knew right from the get go it was going to be a long day. It was still hot out but not as bad. Sofie spilled yogurt on my shirt and pants and with no change of clothes I had to wear the stains all day. Sofie was also a bundle of energy at the doctor's office. She just didn't want to leave Will alone. He handled it better than me that's for sure. I waited for Connor to show but it was past his checkup time and he still wasn't there. I had filled the doctor in on what was going on and she said she would wait for him. Will had to have an xray upstairs for his knees and while we were doing that Connor finally showed. Sofie was very excited, she screamed his name and ran across the waiting room to hug him. Since she is so cute everyone smiled and thought it was funny thank god. She asked him the same thing she asked me, "Were you kidnapped?! Where have you been?! You had better come home!" He looked embarrassed but smiled. Then of all things he came to me and held him arms out for me to hug him. In front of everybody. I was more than shocked. I hugged him though and told him I missed him. Sofie wouldn't let his finger go so we went in to his appointment for a little bit. After he was done we went to the car and I drove him, Cade and Sofie to the bay lines to wait for Sean to pick them up. Will had already left to go to a friends house. We chatted for a bit and he said he was sick that week. I knew it was true because he still sounded congested. He said he got sick Monday night and how miserable he had been being sick and with the heat wave. Kathryn doesn't believe in air conditioning. Sean does. They don't have any...:) Anyway, I thought to myself but didn't ask, was he really at Tuesday's therapy appointment if he was ill? I really don't believe he was in the car at all like Sean said. I doubted before but now really, really doubt. Sean came and I told him how to care for Sofie's toe. She had dropped her bathroom stool on her big toe a few days ago and got a really bad cut. He just nodded and looked around. He was clearly not listening to me. I then called his name and he looked at me and I told him, "This is important. It can get infected. You have to do what I just told you." He said, "Does she take her band-aid off?" (inside scream) I looked at Connor and he just nodded at me. I knew he had been listening to me closely and sad to say I know it will be him that will be taking care to change her bandage everyday. I told Sean she always either takes it off or it falls off, she's four..duh., and to make sure it was clean and covered. Then they left. I went to my own therapy appointment but had to do a "where do you think you will be in three months" form for the insurance. All the while I was thinking, I will be a lot further if I could have actual therapy and not fill out your stupid forms! The counselor was sympathetic. So we "set goals" and stuff. I did get to unload a little and overall the visit was good. I always get a cup of tea which I like. On the way to the boat I was starving. I hadn't eaten all day. I was to sick to my stomach in the morning and too busy the rest of the time. I was going to grab a sandwich to eat on the boat but I couldn't or I would have missed it. I parked the car and Will called saying he was at the bay lines and had grabbed me a hot dog and a drink because he had met up with one friend but he left and the ride to the birthday party was running late. He knew I probably hadn't eaten. So thoughtful. I ate and hopped on the boat. I got home with a tummy ache anyway but not due to poor eating habits. I was experiencing the female curse. Wonderful. I keep telling myself I should have the birth control removed since it makes times like this very painful when it hadn't been bad before, but like a hole in the roof if it isn't raining you forget about it until it rains again. I am having my own physical this month and I will see about it then. I am still undecided and feeling a bit stubborn as well. I paid for it no matter how useless it is to me now and I want my moneys worth. Still, when it hurts this bad I am pretty helpless. I took some tylenol when I got home and laid down for what I thought would be a minute so it could work but fell asleep and didn't wake up again until I heard a mouse scratching in my room 12 hours later. I know I get tired from the curse and I know I woke up early and I know I have been stressed to the ends lately so maybe not having the kids around I unconsciously relaxed and there you have it. I am still feeling sleepy but I know it's just the curse and will pass in a couple of days. Still, I should have something other than chocolate cookies for breakfast right?

Everything went as bad as could be expected and then some on Tuesday. I forgot to bring my anti-anxiety meds and just did some deep breathing while I waited at Connor's counselor's office waiting for him to show up. I sat there wondering about this supposed session Sean had scheduled for us also for 10 am and just couldn't understand how he thought it would be ok for us to have a session at the same time all the way across town to leave Connor here by himself. One of at least should be there to talk to the counselor either before or after and voice our concerns and talk about scheduling the next session. While I pondered that, time came and went for the appointment time and I began to think they may not show up. It was almost 15 minutes after when Sean came in alone and asked me what I was doing there. That rather confused me and I said I was here for Connor's appointment. He asked me if I was going to go to "our" session and I said I didn't see how it was going to be possible to be at two places at once. I had scheduled this appointment over a week ago and only knew about this other one he was talking about last night. I couldn't even call the office to confirm if the appointment was really for us like he was claiming or if it was just for him like last time. He got angry and asked me if I got his email. I told him I hadn't gotten anything the last time I checked which was at 9pm Monday night and I had to catch the 6am ferry that morning and never had a chance to check. He told me, "Isn't that nice." I ignored that and asked why. He said Connor didn't want me there. I was surprised and asked why. Sean told me Connor wanted to have a session to himself. I said that was fine. He usually does anyway. I had a few things I wanted talk over with his counselor so he knew what concerns I had and then we could go over when to have the next session. This wasn't any different then how we had done things in the past or with Cade. Sean told me if I was there then it wasn't happening. I just sat there stunned. He said Connor didn't want me there just to further my own agenda. I didn't even ask what the hell that meant because I darn well knew Connor never said that. He would never use that phrase. Agenda? Then he went on to tell me how "our" session was scheduled first. I asked him if that was so then why did he only tell me about it yesterday. Why didn't he let me know when I emailed him over a week ago about Connor's session. I could have rescheduled it or if I had known Connor didn't want me there I could have not bothered to show up and I could have called the counselor myself with my concerns and not have wasted a trip to town, loss of pay and the cost of a babysitter. If I had known ahead of time about this supposed appointment I could have called the counselor and double checked myself if this was really co-parenting or if this was for him and/or his family. He told me whoever I spoke to before didn't know what they were talking about and he was telling me it was co-parenting. I told him I knew what he was referred for. If this was co-parenting then when he went into his intake session he didn't ask for what he was referred for. If that was the case, if all he asked for was co-parenting then I darn well should have been there after all last time. How can he expect me to believe him when he tells me one thing and the office tells me another? On top of that, they never even called me to give me the "reminder" call they always give me. If there was something scheduled for me personally then I should have gotten a call which I didn't. He was even angrier with me and went on to tell me how I always make it seem like he is the one not interested in therapy yet I was the one not coming. I told him I had everything set up months ago and he refused to come. He said I knew why he didn't come and I said I knew what his excuse was and I didn't believe it for a second. The he went on to say how I only have this narrow window, he even used his fingers to show me how small it was, to come and how I am making it hard and how he was making himself more available. I had enough. I told him he knew why I came to town once a week and this went all the way back to our previous sessions when he didn't always show up. I couldn't be coming to town three days a week and miss out on work, which is busiest for me in the summer, and pay sitter costs just on the off chance this is a legitimate session. That is why if I knew when he made the appointment I could have verified it myself. On top of that I still was making myself available any time after Cade's sessions and would fit my own stuff around whatever time was best for him. He just kept repeating himself how he was telling me this is what it was and that should be the end of it. I reminded him the last session he told me was for us wasn't, so why should I believe him this time? Then he tried to upset me. He said the judge wouldn't be happy with me if I didn't come. I just told him the judge will be just as unhappy with him for not coming last July. He changed tactics and said how he was more committed than me because he was making himself more available. I told him he was more available because he didn't have a job. Maybe he should get one and pay all his child support so I wouldn't have to work 12 hour days. Then I also could also be more available. He threw his hands up in the air and walked out.

I worked today at the library something I have done with the same exact hours since Sean was living here for the past seven years. Hours Sean knows about and has known for those same seven years. I was babysitting and after I got the little ones settled for a nap I asked Will (who came home on the noon boat) to check the phone messages. He said there was one from a doctors office and two from Sean. I checked and the first was from Connor's counselors office confirming his session for tomorrow at 10am. I was pleased to see Sean did not cancel it again. Then I listened to Sean's message. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He was talking about us having a co-parenting counseling session for tomorrow at......10am. I thought he had to be kidding. Then he went on giving me the name of the counselor and how he hadn't met her yet either and how he knew I was concerned about him meeting someone before me but he didn't think it should be an issue since he hadn't met her either. Well, here's the rub. One, I am going to go to Connor's session which I told Connor about, emailed Sean about and emailed my lawyer about. If they don't show up then I will talk to the lawyer about having Sean removed from making medical decisions for Connor. Also, Connor has not called me like he said he would after our last conversation and both he and Sean know about his physical as well. If they don't show for that either it's only more evidence for me. Second, because I spoke with counselors at the place Sean wants us to go to I am well aware (little does he know) that this session is not co-parenting. This is for Sean, Kathryn and Regan. I have no doubt that this person he told me about would want to see him first since this case is opened up under his name. I also know that any co-parenting sessions haven't even been considered yet. Still, he tells me we have a session tomorrow at 10am. He calls me while I am at work and he knows I check my messages maybe once a week. I only checked today because I was expecting one from a lady here on the island. No emails from him which is our main communication that we agreed upon from the last time we were in co-parenting counseling. I saw him yesterday and he didn't say anything to me about it. The day before thing just doesn't cut it. Most importantly he knew well in advance about Connor's appointment. I told him the day I made it. He never responded. Here is me making a big change. Before I would have reminded him. Before I would have emailed and asked if he had gotten my first email. Before I would have emailed or called back today and explained about Connor's session and could Sean reschedule yada yada. Not this time. This is Sean's mess from his disorganized mind and he will have to pay the consequences. I can not be his mother and wife anymore. I will go to Connor's appointment tomorrow. I will also call the person Sean told me about tomorrow (they are closed now) and get the record straight on co-parenting and my level if involvement. Sean is just not capable of keeping me in the loop without lying and/or exaggerating. I will make my own connection. If there was really an appointment scheduled for me there I would have gotten a phone call and I didn't. So, after that is all done then I will email Sean about what's going on and forward all of it to the lawyer. I can not be running around cleaning up his messes anymore or covering for his mistakes. I am just not going to do it. Nor am I going to waste my time and my life showing up for stuff that has nothing to do with me. As it is I am going to lose a whole day of work for Connor tomorrow. I am not going to be mad if he doesn't show because I can do the grocery shopping but I will be very disappointed in Connor. So we'll see how the day goes....