Our Island Family Life

So, I went into mediation with the amount he now owes and in a stunned and angry mood. I spoke with my lawyer for a bit before it started. Sean was late. I told the lawyer about what DHHS said and he had an idea. In the end this is what came about. Sean gave up for primary for Sofie. Thank goodness. Sean gave up on primary for Cade as well but now wants shared. If that happened then he wouldn't pay child support for him either. My lawyer asked him what significant change of circumstances warranted the change of residency. Sean got angry and said how my lawyer kept repeating that and it was ridiculous. He said Cade went to school off island in town now so that was change enough but that there was no reason for him to not be living with Sean other than geography. I live on an island and so I am keeping him from his children. If I lived on the mainland then all the kids with either live with him or be with him half the time. I kept my mouth shut about how living here was as much his choice and mine. I am sure he thought when he left I would move and not be able to stand up on my own two feet. I do get help but I am making it work as hard as it is with the help of the very same community he claims is bad for the kids. The mediator shook her head and told him since he brought the case it was the law for him to show significant change of circumstances and even if I did live on the mainland that didn't automatically mean it would be in the kids best interests to be going back and forth the way he was describing. She said it would be too much for the younger kids. Sean shut up at that.

I then told him Cade was undergoing enough stress right now as it was with transitioning to a bigger school, new schedule, new friends and bigger work load. Adding another transition would just be too much. Added to the fact Sean and Cade have had significant problems with each other this year coupled with the fact Cade hates Sean's wife and his wife's daughter. That kind of home environment was not going to be good for him. Sean bit back I let an 10 year old decide not to see him. I said I didn't. I told Cade it wasn't ok for him to ignore his dad and yet I understood his hurt feelings. I told Cade this had to be resolved and made him go back to therapy because Sean and Cade were both refusing to talk with each other and a third party other than me needed to be involved. I then suggested that since Cade is in town more why don't we bring up in therapy that if Cade becomes in involved in an after school activity in his second semester (because I told him I didn't want him doing any for the 1st and instead just get used to the pace of school which is what we did with Connor after Will burnt out, live and learn poor first born child) then if Cade wanted instead of coming home on the 5:45 ferry home and get here at 7pm he could stay with Sean instead. Even in the first semester if there was a special event or dance or something to let Cade know it is an option and I am ok with it and support him in having the choice. Sean kept saying how he wanted Cade from Friday to Tuesday or Thursday to Monday or something like that. I flat out said no. It is way to disruptive for him. I wondered if Sean even knows Cade at all? Anyway, Sean agreed so I will be calling Cade's counselor later today. Sean never even mentioned Will. I felt bad about that. Sean has given up completely on his first born child. It makes me sick. If that relationship even gets repaired it will be all on Will. As for Connor, I told Sean Connor could have primary residence with him. I insisted Connor be in therapy once a month however. This is to hopefully prevent Connor's winter depression. Even if it isn't bad he will still need some extra support. I encouraged more than once a month but monthly minimum. The big thing was this was a temporary order. The plan is to see how Connor does to mid-december anyway. Connor's residency with Sean for now is only a temporary thing. Sean said, "Even if he does poorly in school and gets depressed he's still going to live me with no matter what the court says." He was very arrogant about it. I didn't say anything. The lawyer just said, we can decide later what is in his best interest. Living with you may not change even if Connor is doing poorly but other things like medical care might." Sean said nothing. Then it got down to money. Sean wanted me to start paying him on that day for child support for Connor saying, "It's expensive. He eats a lot." I nodded and said, "I know, maybe you will need to apply for food stamps and stop shopping at Whole Foods." He glared at me. Then the idea my lawyer had came into play. He said since Sean is behind in child support by $1666 (sign of the devil?), over $400 in medical (Sean dropped asking me to pay more for insurance), and $1600 in back taxes, we didn't want to see a drop in my child support coming to me until he paid off all his debt and arrears. Once Sean is obligated to pay less he will have no incentive to keep making payments. This was a fact since even now he doesn't pay the full amount and he has a full time job (which he admitted in mediation) he didn't report to DHHS for them to garnish. Based on his past and current financial misconduct it would be a huge leap of faith to assume Sean would fulfill his obligation. Sean of course objected. We went to pretrial. In the end he got a hearing for child support which should be at least a month away. We have another mediation set for sometime in mid-december. At that time we will see how Connor is doing. I personally hope by then Sean will be able to see Connor's behaviors but I doubt he will. A sad as it may sound I almost hope Connor gets ill again so it will be evident to everyone not just people who really know him. We'll see. Then a trial date would be set for sometime in February if we don't agree to things in December. So I have another 5 or so months to look forward to my underlying stress levels to stay high.

Sean as tried to bs in a few areas. He said he also thought Connor should be in therapy. The mediator asked who makes the kids appointments and Sean said he did. I answered that and pointed out since 2007 Sean hasn't made a single appointment for any of the kids and for Connor's therapy specifically Sean has tried to keep Connor for getting the help he has needed since 2008. In fact the Connor has not gone to his last two appointments because of Sean and that Sean has since emailed me telling me that he will be the one making Connor's appointments from now on. I have not agreed to disagreed with that announcement but that I felt it was important to note how no appointments have been made since since and Connor has had only one appointment since we agreed that he should be in therapy in the last mediation in July. Sean didn't say anything but the mediator wrote a bunch of stuff down. Then we were asked about co-parenting and Sean said we were doing it and should have another appointment soon. I again pointed out that there was at this time no appointment in place and I spoke with Cade's counselor on Tuesday who informed me both co-parenting counselors we have been involved with contacted her. The person we might see next is refusing to schedule an appointment with us until she talks with Sean since he objected to see her. Sean again said he didn't have a problem with it and how "someone" else must have misunderstood. I said I was willing to go but as of now it is on hold. Then we were asked about Cade's counseling and Sean said how "the plan is moving forward for his wife to meet with Cade." I objected again and said how Cade's counselor has contacted Sean four times about this very issue with no response. She is no longer going to contact him and until he does there is no plan in place and yet another reason why even shared residency with Cade is not a good thing. Sean said he would contact her. We'll see.

Well, that's it for now. I have a few things for my own school to figure out and household chores and helping Sofie with her "homework"...:) She had a reading log so I think this afternoon we will redo her book shelf.

Oh, and I was ok in the mediation for the most part. I only almost cried once. It was me, the lawyer and the mediator. Sean was in the hall. She asked me if I held animosity with him and I just teared up. I told her, I really wish I did. It wouldn't hurt so bad. I still love him as embarrassing as it is to admit but I do get upset at how much pain he has caused the kids and all I want at this point is to keep them safe.

Sean is working as a sub at a high school. Teaching constitutional law....I tried not to laugh. During one break my lawyer asked him if he still coached debate and Sean said yes. The lawyer asked if it was still the same as when he did it. The lawyer described policy debate which is a lot of work writing briefs and gathering evidence with two speakers. Lincoln-Douglas debate is one person who writes a speech based on more "moral" or philosophical arguments. The lawyer asked which was harder. I answered. "No question, policy. It is based on facts and hard work. In LD the better you are able to convince a judge to your side is based on no more than your ability to bs." Sean laughed and the lawyer asked us what we did. Sean said, "Amy was policy and I was LD."

Says it all doesn't it?