Thursday, February 10, 2011
I got an angry email from Sean today. I am not very upset about it but I need to take some time to think of how to respond or even if I should. It is in two parts, the first part was about visits. Last week he didn't take the kids due to illness so he emailed me about switching weekends so he could have them this upcoming weekend instead. I didn't respond because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I wasn't just ignoring the email (sent on Monday). In the past I would have obliged and have felt bad for him. I would think about, "what if I needed a change?," if I do this then he would for me. I never really thought to much of it if was good for the kids because really, it isn't. I used to think any time was better than no time for them to have with their dad. Waaaaayyy, back to even before I was divorced my therapist had told me how much he was an advocate for kids and parents to be together but there are some times, in some instances where it may not be in the best interest. I knew that of course but didn't think it applied to Sean. Sean himself said if he spent more time with them then they would be fine and not be as angry. As it has turned out things have gotten so much worse. Cade and Sofie who have spent the most time hate being there and ask frequently to stay home. Cade doesn't wish to go at all and thinks about being with his dad in other settings like the way he would visit an aunt or uncle. Meet at the mall or grab some lunch. That's about it. There is another mom who lives here who has to see her kid on certain weekends like Sean. (Long story) She was sick on the last visit and wasn't able to get him but he didn't come up the next weekend or anything. She missed it and that is that. No harm no foul, life happens. I have never been able to say to Sean, "Gee, I'm sorry you were sick and it's too bad you didn't see the kids. They understand, I hope you feel better and we will be there to meet you on your next pick up time." That is what I should say. I know it. I shouldn't try and bend over backwards all the time to accommodate him. I know it is something I need to work on. I feel like I should make an excuse like I have company or something. So, I had finally decided to bite the bullet and keep my weekend when he sent the email. I wouldn't have waited any longer than today to make sure he knew well in advance. He may not do that for me I certainly would do that for him. Not because it's him but because it's good manners. He said something to the effect of how he was "still waiting". Like I made him wait a life time. I had emailed him weeks ago about arranging the holiday visits and he never said boo to me. I didn't get upset about it. I just am a bit grumbly about the double standard.
1 comments:
It's ok to not be able to be straightforward with Sean. His irrational anger has been a big part of everyone's issues with him, and where another parent, if you said something like "I'm sorry things worked out that way, we'll see you next time" might be ok with it, or maybe a little annoyed, Sean's response would undoubtedly be unpredictable, and it's hard to put yourself intentionally in the line of fire.
You're going to laugh (or cringe), but my thoughts regarding what to tell Sean about Connor....it's probably too late (but maybe not), but if it was me, I'd pretend that I really didn't see that part of the email and see what comes next....I know it's nonconfrontational and completely not in the best interests of good parental communication, but it sounds to me like you're damned if you're honest, and damned if you're not honest, so why bother investing energy into it? He's going to be mad no matter what.
(Maybe I'll have some better words of wisdom in the future, but, like you said, I think he's just baiting you and you aren't going to win. The issue may not even be about Connor, it may just be that he feels like "taking you down a peg or two".
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