Saturday, October 30, 2010
A tree went down on a neighboring island a couple of days ago and almost all the islands in the bay were affected. First the internet was down. I tried not to panic since I had things I had to post for my classes. It wasn't like I could go to the neighbors house to use their computer since the whole island was down. Then the phones went so they could fix the whole problem. Just before everything went down I saw there was email for me from my lawyer about the court date that had been planned for this past Thursday. I was worried we had to go after all. I clicked to read it and *poof* the internet was gone. No phones either. I assured myself even if it was on and I didn't go I had a lawyer and him being there is what I paid him for. I was able to connect with him on Friday and all was well. No court but we had to not show up since Sean filed with the court late so he wasn't granted a continuance. He should rename himself Late. At least we have all the email from him showing he had no intention to go.
I was supposed to have company this weekend but the plans fell through. My friend fell and sprained her ankle. I hadn't had a chance to tell Connor about the change. He had been planning on coming out here today. He had said he was coming for a over a month now because that is how long the plans have been made. I saw him yesterday when I dropped Cade and Sofie off to see their dad. I just love it how Sofie throws a tantrum about not wanting to go see "scary dad" and how she doesn't want to leave me which I have to do calm her down for however long it takes then she sees him and he all smiles. He will never believe me when I tell him she has some issues and needs a lot of reassurance from him because she is a little bit afraid of him. She only feels ok when she knows one of her brothers are there. Anyway, Connor said he wasn't going to the dance after all. He said he had thought about it and going out on a date probably wasn't the smartest thing he should be doing. I was very glad he made that choice. He then put himself down and said he was going to do the nerdy thing and stay home and watch movies. I told him he could still go just not on the date and if he chose to stay home it didn't make him a nerd. He made plans to hang out with an island friend for Wednesday. The other kid was right there so I saw them make their plans. We all joked a bit which was nice. Sean hovered not leaving watching Connor like he was going to bolt. Sofie kept trying to get his attention but he was only half paying attention. I asked Connor if he was still planning on coming today but before I could tell him our company wasn't coming he said he wasn't sure so I dropped it. It was nice that I didn't get very disappointed. I am making great strides in not taking what he says and his dad too at face value. They both have proven time and time again what they do and what they say do not always coincide. Just because Connor may say he is coming doesn't mean I can count on it and then get hurt when he doesn't. Just because Sean says he is making and appointment of putting a check in the mail and doesn't I don't have to be angry. I also don't have to be pleased or happy when they follow through either. Just go with it and adjust myself if I want to or not. It is harder for me with Connor I think because having that lack of feeling in a way feels like a ind of betrayal. Like I don't love him enough or as much as the others. I know it is just my heart catching up with my mind and that is is the best for both of us but it still feels "wrong" sometimes. I also feel a little bad with the fact that I am not sure I believe Connor's reasons for not going to the dance. Maybe Sean told him he couldn't go because of his grades. Maybe the girl changed her mind. Maybe he was his choice. I just don't know and it's sad I doubt him. It's sad to know he is like his dad and will lie to make himself look good even to family who love him no matter what. How do you combat such negative bad examples and bad parenting? I can't be perfect and set the best example all the time. I think about going back to school for example. Sean and I both did it but in very different ways. We both went full time but I took the minimum amount and chose online so I could still work and be here for my kids. Give them time they need from the only parent available to help with homework and other things. Sean took the most classes his could to finish as fast as he can. He doesn't work and he spends very little time with his family. He tells them this is "his" time and yells at them if they interfere. He doesn't support his family financially on his own or emotionally. I know this is one example of how the kids can see the difference. Still, Sean gets what he wants so does it look like his way is that bad? He is supported by someone else who pays the bills and takes care of the kids and helps him with his school work. I can only imagine in Connor's eyes it looked pretty good. I imagine some people would call Sean lucky. To not have to stand on your own like that. I just sometimes think setting a good example just won't be enough for all the kids.
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1 comments:
I never considered how isolated/intertwined you are there on the island--I would've had a panic attack if everything went out with no warning like that--not because I couldn't live without internet/phone but because I wasn't expecting it.
I'd like to say I'm glad Connor made a good decision, but, like you, I'm seeing that he's a lot like Sean, and the "good decision" could be motivated by anything at all.
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