Our Island Family Life

Wednesday was a really nasty day with wind and pouring rain. I had to go to town for a therapy session with Sean. Our first in about a month. I got soaked with rain and the boat was rocking so bad I actually got sea sick. It's been a while. Anyway, the session was ok. I was not really focused so I could be ok emotionally. I let him start when it was time to answer any questions. I never spoke to him directly either. I was thinking about how to answer my discussion question for one of my classes most of the time. When he would say something that made me angry I would go back to the question. If he said something that confused me I wrote it down. If he lied I made a check mark in my notebook. It may seem like "keeping score" but it really isn't. I do that because I have a knee jerk response from being with him for nearly 20 years to believe him when ever he says anything. Even now after all he has done and lied about I still do that. I have to do little things like this to remind myself to question. I need to find balance. I can't have complete faith in him anymore. He has more than proven he can't be trusted. It isn't about me either. He lies to everyone. That is just what he does so I don't take it personally anymore. He lies to the kids, his parents and siblings, even mere acquaintances. It doesn't mean he lies all the time. It isn't my job however to try and figure out when he does and doesn't. I have to simply respond to what he does not what he says. Three years of therapy for me to get that to sink in. I just don't want to fall into the habit of blindly believing him anymore. We talked about trust issues. I didn't say anything other than I don't trust him. I think I need to follow up on that and say what I will trust is his actions. It isn't about trusting him anymore to be able to parent effectively. I don't need to trust him. It isn't about emotions or personal feelings anymore. It is, will he do what he says he will do? Will he follow through on agreements? Right now his actions say 98% of the time, no. I think we may be able to make progress in this area. Mainly because of me. Not because he will change or all of a sudden start following through on things. Honestly even if he did when he is stable he is more unstable than stable mentally and I just need to accept that when he is like that I can't have expectations. What I do need is some kind of back up plan. Today though is not the day for me to think about it. I am not going to let myself get emotionally upset when I feel bad physically. One thing at a time. I can see Sean is trying to get Cade to see him more so he can go to court and ask for shared residency. If he does that then he won't have to pay child support for him. If Sean gets his way by next year he would only be paying for Sofie. Will turns 18, Connor is living with him (for now) and Cade would be shared. It is a nice trick. He keeps saying he wants to spend more time with his kids. That is the reason for all this. Guess where the kids are going to be this weekend, his weekend with them? Me. He said he couldn't take them. I know perfectly well it isn't about him wanting to spend more time with them. It all about money. It makes me so sad to see him become a deadbeat dad. Not just with money but about the time he spends with them. Even when he has them he leaves them behind. He is "too busy". The kids lose out but so does he and he can't even see that. I try not to care about how it will hurt him later but it still makes me sad. He even told him mother he hates me. Nice. I wish it was that easy for me. That is of course if he wasn't lying to her.