Our Island Family Life

Connor came home yesterday from his weekend out. Friday night he went to a friends house. He called and did everything I asked. I was pleased. Saturday he was unsure if he wanted to go to his dad's for the cookout I mentioned before. Finally he decided to go since his grandparents would be there and two of his aunts. When he called Saturday morning to ask if he could go he said he would be spending the night there and coming home on Sunday. I said that was fine but to leave his phone on in case I needed to call him. Sunday rolls around and he gets a call here about him owing a lawn to mow. If I knew he had one to mow I would have told him to do that first before he had left on Friday. I was not happy. I tried calling him several times and no answer. His phone isn't set up to take messages. I wanted to make sure he came on a early enough boat to be able to take care of the lawn. I broke down and called Sean. No answer. Like father, like son I guess. I was getting angrier. I left a message for Connor to call and that he needed to be home on the 4pm boat. He had work and if I had known he hadn't done his responsibilities I wouldn't have allowed him to visit. Did Connor call? Did Sean? Nope. In the end Connor did come home on the 4 ferry and told me he got my message. I told him that was great but I didn't know that and he should have called. He sat down and said he was glad to be home. I put my rant on hold because I could tell he was down. He said he had a bad weekend. I asked him what happened. He said Friday night was fine but being at his dad's was pretty bad. His dad had called him, invited him and when Connor got there he was told by his dad it was an adult party and he would have to leave. The girl and the baby weren't there. There was drinking which I doubt was very bad but makes him uncomfortable knowing his grandfather was there who is a recovering alcoholic and his dad has a very low tolerance for the stuff and gets nasty. He left with his grandparents and spent the night with them. He found out one of his aunts moved to Colorado last month and no one told us. His uncle refused to go to the party because he is still angry with Sean for how he treats the kids and because Sean owes him money now too. Connor got to see him and his uncle told him he was moving to Wyoming for a year and a half to go to college there next month. Connor felt awful for not even knowing it was happening and the last person who was really supportive of what he is going through other than his grandfather from that side of the family is going away. On Sunday he went to church with his grandparents. None of us have anything against church and we go to the one here on the island but Sean's parents are a little...over the top. So, this was like prison to him. His dad picked him up from there and dropped him off at the bay lines. His felt his dad totally ignored him, mislead him about the cookout, and basically told him to get lost. I have to wonder why Sean asked for our other kids to come when he was going to make them leave anyway. Was he planning on dumping them with his parents? A sitter? I hope Connor learns from this. If he wants to spend time with his grandparents he needs to arrange time with them separately from his father. That is what Will and Cade are doing. He needs to not make assumptions on what he thinks time with his dad will be like. It is never filled with attention. He also needs to not assume just because his dad invited him somewhere and asks to spend time with his that this is going to happen. Take what you can get and leave the rest. Otherwise, he is just going to get hurt again and with his depressive personality that is a dangerous combination. He is in bed now and is obviously down. I hope we can cheer him up today with our little grilling party today.

We are still coughing over here. I am getting my taste buds back which means I can now taste all that green stuff I am coughing up. Lovely.

Tuesday I went and did some research at the library or our book selection committee and it went faster than I thought. I had time to drop by the post office and then help out making the dinner (pizza) for our class on Tuesday. Sofie was home with Will and Cade. I had made her go to bed before I left because her cough was now constant. I got the humidifier going, gave her cough medicine, put in a movie to keep her entertained (it was only 3:30), made sure she was fed and had a drink. So she should have been set. I called home to check on them before class started. Will said she had thrown up once and had a fever. *sigh* So I went back home. It was a long night. She was ok until about 9pm then began throwing up until 1am. I didn't get to sleep until 2am. She got all my bedding of course. I had just washed and changed everything that day so it was destined to get puked on. I was up again at 5am with the boys. I worked that day and called the doctor about her. She got an appointment for Thursday. That night I crashed at 7pm and the next thing I knew it was 2am. I was up. All the stress and lack of sleep had me coughing and congested again. I laid in bed but finally got up at 4:30 since we had to take the 6am ferry to town. Cade had his therapy at 8am, then we picked up his new glasses. Sofie had her appointment at 10:30. She has what I have and we had to get her antibiotics. In the end after chest x-rays and waiting for prescriptions we missed the 2:45 boat and there went my last practical class. We got home at 7pm changed and went to bed. I slept pretty well and would have gone longer if the kids hadn't gotten up. I had managed to get some food shopping done yesterday in between appointments and Will and Connor got them and put them away. I better be careful I could get used to that kind of pampering. Sofie is in good spirits which is nice since I'm not. I have been coughing all morning and blowing my nose. I am working again today (again, SO glad I can work from home) but I keep falling asleep. My eyes close standing up. I almost did that washing the dishes the morning. Now the kids are taking a nap so I think I will too.

I forgot I was going to post some more of my winning banner for stories I have written. So I will go backwards from the one I have had stuck at the bottom of the page for some time. Yeah, me!

I will be off to class soon. I am very tired but couldn't sleep due to congestion. Now that I took some medicine and feel a little better I could nap but now I have to get ready to go. I am trying to look forward to it but ...

Last night I missed yet another class. I feel terrible about it. I also was not able to finish the house I was supposed to clean and I am seriously thinking about cutting back jobs even though I need the money. Things are just going to have suck financially until Sofie is self sufficient.

Minus - Cade and Sofie are still under the weather and Cade had to cancel his therapy for today.

Mental health month is every month for me. Besides keeping my own sanity level I have to worry about how much a unmediated bipolar parent effect my kids. Helping the kids understand the "spectrum" is a good and bad thing. It gives them some understanding and compassion for their dad. Letting them know their dad has good days, bad days and days when he is both is something they are beginning to comprehend (the boys at least) and yet for my youngest son also adds a layer of uncertainty. Never knowing how dad will be when you see him or even talk with him next is a bit nerve wracking. He would of course feel that even if he knew nothing of his father's mental illness because not knowing if your going to be taken out to dinner or yelled at and humiliated is self evident. I think his fears of walking in on his dad trying to kill himself again have abated a lot. Sometimes his anger is so great he wishes his dad would just do it and get out his life. Other times he worries it might happen again. Understandable. Not being able to talk to his dad about it is very hard. Sometimes I wish I could talk with his dad about this. I could of course, I can usually tell when Sean is having a "good day". The problem is whatever discussed, whatever agreed to, whatever regrets he may have had are gone quickly. Sometimes the same day. Conversations forgotten. Are they really or is he lying to protect himself? I think a little of both. Either way, he is an unstable parent when it comes to things like that. I feel I am learning a little at a time of how to be able to parent with him. What things he simply is not capable of doing. I don't mean to say that in a bad way either. We all have things we lack or do not do well. The skills he used to be able to do are out of his reach now. Not always but enough to make things hard for him and the kids. I don't even know anymore if he was medicated, seeing his pdoc and in therapy if it would make a difference anymore. I can't take his place with them but I have to take up the slack for almost everything now. That's hard but if he had died or had another type of "physical" illness I would have to do the same thing right? I have a hard time accepting to not expect things from him. To be the dad he was, the person he was even though I am an adult and should be better at being able to understand his illness. I can imagine it's even harder for the kids. I know for my part the fact he says he is fine and isn't taking his meds and is no longer getting any kind of treatment makes me resentful. I feel like saying to him, your fine right so it's ok for me to be angry when you do this, say that, lie, cheat, steal, emotionally abuse our children, let your spouse shove our son around, pretend to be something your not, threaten the children. If your "fine" then it's ok to view you as a jerk and a royal ass. It's very hard to draw the line between understanding and setting limits on what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior to deal with. The kids are beginning to do this and as a result their dad is cutting them out of his life and blaming them when they say, "Hey, what you just did is not ok." The parent/child relationship is tricky when the parent has to have some kind of authority over the child to keep them safe and teach them socially acceptable behavior aka right and wrong. Kids naturally give this when parents give them respect, security and love. Of course when they get older they want to question and branch out but if the foundation is already there at least they listen even if they say they don't. I want the kids to be able to respect their dad enough for what he has done for them when they were little. The boys at least, Sofie will never know a stable father figure. What is more important though respecting him is making sure they feel safe. Physically, emotionally, verbally. Will and Connor feel physically safe with him. They are both big boys now and Sean usually tries to use his size to intimidate. He also throws objects at walls or in their general direction. They have learned to bob and weave quite expertly now. Sean no longer does that to them. Will of course doesn't see him and Connor isn't there enough for Sean to "get comfortable" enough to feel he can to that kind of stuff with him again anymore. Cade on other hand gets scared. He told his counselor about his dad's temper. Maybe Sean lets his spouse yell and shove Cade around because he does that to her daughter? Even Sofie said her dad makes the girl cry. I know when the woman is alone with Cade she doesn't do that since he told her he would call 911 if she did. In front of Sean though she does those things and Cade feels like he has to take it and that his dad doesn't defend him. I am sure that is another big reason he no longer wishes to go. Even though right now the boys basically no longer see their dad I so support them fully in demanding to be treated well even if the consequence is not seeing him. Having a dad is very important but not being abused even if it's verbal is vital. I know my parents were divorced and sometimes by dad and I would argue and he would tell me he was taking me home. I fought hard to tell him no way. I was there for the weekend if he liked it or not!..:) I was his kid and he had to deal with me. After locking myself in the bathroom once he got the message and we were fine after that. I set my limit and he got it...I hope Sean listens to the kids and "gets it" too, illness or not.

For some silly reason I am feeling skittish. I have class tonight and even though I feel well enough not to cough in everyone's faces and have zippo for confidence that I will do well. I don't have any tests to make up or anything but I know I am behind in practical stuff. I am tired just thinking about it.

Leaving my bed is still not very appealing at the moment. I feel a lot better today though. Drugs are great. I am coughing a lot less but still congested. My sense of taste is slowly returning but still absent for the most part. I wish I could have slept in a little more but Sofie wanted to eat. Darn that hunger thing.

Still sick but getting better, antibiotics help. I imagine I will have a few more days of random coughing and feeling tired but that is easily dealt with. I should be annoyed or tired of being sick by now but I think being sick has made me a little emotionally numb. I have been too tired and too sick to care about much 0f anything. I have missed some cleaning work and should be freaking out but I'm not. I have missed some writing deadlines and should feel bad about them but I don't. I should be royally pissed at Sean right now but I feel more resigned than anything. I should have known things would turn out they way they have.

Another short post. I have been awol for several reasons. Mainly because I have been very sick. I thought I was getting better on Friday even though I was still coughing. I cleaned my room top to bottom, even the windows inside and out. I also worked but by that afternoon I was feeling pretty much done. I didn't have to bring Sofie to town since it was my weekend with the kids and I wanted to rest up for my whole day class on Saturday. It was obvious even before I went to bed that night I wasn't going to go. Even the kids told me to stay home. My cough was just awful. My ears were both plugged up. They still are. It's like trying to hear through ear muffs. My eyes were watery and crusty. I couldn't talk at all without hacking and wheezing. My throat was still sore. I couldn't taste or smell anything (still can't) I was out on the couch all day Saturday in and out of sleep. The kids were great though. Cade played with Sofie. Will cooked all the meals and they both helped me with juice and medicine. Connor of course did nothing. It would infringe on his life. Sunday was a copy of Saturday. I did manage to check my email. My laptop cord died so I had to shelp upstairs to the desktop. I folded some laundry and that was about it. Monday I worked but and I was not going to go overboard. Today I was supposed to go to town but I'm not. I have to go tomorrow and Thursday and I can't miss those days. I still am not sure about class tonight. I am so tired. I am getting better I think just very slowly. I am going to go get some tea now.

I'm sick. Not much else to say. I didn't get child support this month on the regular day. I probably won't. I got $100 in back pay for my work and two bills that $100 won't cover. I am too sick to care. I guess that's good. I need a nap.

It's a pic of our whole school! Hard to grasp isn't it...:) Next year it will be minus Cade but adding Sofie. I wish Cade and Sofie could have gone together..:( Cade got to go with Connor for a year. Cade won't be able to go to high school with him either.

I never did say how Sofie's weekend went. I have no real idea anyway. She was of course brought back dirty. I can live with that. It's only a couple of days. The cut on her thumb from Sean razor? I wasn't thrilled with that. He knew how bad it was because he called ahead to make sure I had neosporin for it. He never does that. Then he called on Monday as well to check up on her thumb and ask if her cough was ok and if her rash was better. I guess he had decided to put all his eggs in one basket and name it Sofie. I was in town taking Cade to his appointments and he called Cade's cell phone (I use that when I am in town). He thinks it's Connor's number. He knows perfectly well not to call him at school and that he has another number. Anyway, he said he would call back that night to talk to Sofie. He didn't. I never expected him to. Sofie said Sean was yelling over the weekend. She copied him so she was really screaming. I asked her if she got scared. She usually does with loud noises but she said she wasn't because he was yelling at the other girl. He made her cry apparently.

So, been busy...:)