Our Island Family Life

Mental health month is every month for me. Besides keeping my own sanity level I have to worry about how much a unmediated bipolar parent effect my kids. Helping the kids understand the "spectrum" is a good and bad thing. It gives them some understanding and compassion for their dad. Letting them know their dad has good days, bad days and days when he is both is something they are beginning to comprehend (the boys at least) and yet for my youngest son also adds a layer of uncertainty. Never knowing how dad will be when you see him or even talk with him next is a bit nerve wracking. He would of course feel that even if he knew nothing of his father's mental illness because not knowing if your going to be taken out to dinner or yelled at and humiliated is self evident. I think his fears of walking in on his dad trying to kill himself again have abated a lot. Sometimes his anger is so great he wishes his dad would just do it and get out his life. Other times he worries it might happen again. Understandable. Not being able to talk to his dad about it is very hard. Sometimes I wish I could talk with his dad about this. I could of course, I can usually tell when Sean is having a "good day". The problem is whatever discussed, whatever agreed to, whatever regrets he may have had are gone quickly. Sometimes the same day. Conversations forgotten. Are they really or is he lying to protect himself? I think a little of both. Either way, he is an unstable parent when it comes to things like that. I feel I am learning a little at a time of how to be able to parent with him. What things he simply is not capable of doing. I don't mean to say that in a bad way either. We all have things we lack or do not do well. The skills he used to be able to do are out of his reach now. Not always but enough to make things hard for him and the kids. I don't even know anymore if he was medicated, seeing his pdoc and in therapy if it would make a difference anymore. I can't take his place with them but I have to take up the slack for almost everything now. That's hard but if he had died or had another type of "physical" illness I would have to do the same thing right? I have a hard time accepting to not expect things from him. To be the dad he was, the person he was even though I am an adult and should be better at being able to understand his illness. I can imagine it's even harder for the kids. I know for my part the fact he says he is fine and isn't taking his meds and is no longer getting any kind of treatment makes me resentful. I feel like saying to him, your fine right so it's ok for me to be angry when you do this, say that, lie, cheat, steal, emotionally abuse our children, let your spouse shove our son around, pretend to be something your not, threaten the children. If your "fine" then it's ok to view you as a jerk and a royal ass. It's very hard to draw the line between understanding and setting limits on what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior to deal with. The kids are beginning to do this and as a result their dad is cutting them out of his life and blaming them when they say, "Hey, what you just did is not ok." The parent/child relationship is tricky when the parent has to have some kind of authority over the child to keep them safe and teach them socially acceptable behavior aka right and wrong. Kids naturally give this when parents give them respect, security and love. Of course when they get older they want to question and branch out but if the foundation is already there at least they listen even if they say they don't. I want the kids to be able to respect their dad enough for what he has done for them when they were little. The boys at least, Sofie will never know a stable father figure. What is more important though respecting him is making sure they feel safe. Physically, emotionally, verbally. Will and Connor feel physically safe with him. They are both big boys now and Sean usually tries to use his size to intimidate. He also throws objects at walls or in their general direction. They have learned to bob and weave quite expertly now. Sean no longer does that to them. Will of course doesn't see him and Connor isn't there enough for Sean to "get comfortable" enough to feel he can to that kind of stuff with him again anymore. Cade on other hand gets scared. He told his counselor about his dad's temper. Maybe Sean lets his spouse yell and shove Cade around because he does that to her daughter? Even Sofie said her dad makes the girl cry. I know when the woman is alone with Cade she doesn't do that since he told her he would call 911 if she did. In front of Sean though she does those things and Cade feels like he has to take it and that his dad doesn't defend him. I am sure that is another big reason he no longer wishes to go. Even though right now the boys basically no longer see their dad I so support them fully in demanding to be treated well even if the consequence is not seeing him. Having a dad is very important but not being abused even if it's verbal is vital. I know my parents were divorced and sometimes by dad and I would argue and he would tell me he was taking me home. I fought hard to tell him no way. I was there for the weekend if he liked it or not!..:) I was his kid and he had to deal with me. After locking myself in the bathroom once he got the message and we were fine after that. I set my limit and he got it...I hope Sean listens to the kids and "gets it" too, illness or not.