Our Island Family Life

I went to conferences that afternoon. Will is doing well as usual. He could make more effort and do really well but he is happy and in the end it's his life. It is looking like he will be enrolled in college sometime in December as a full time student so he will be juggling enough. I just have to give my permission and since I know he can handle it I will.

Then it was Connor's turn. Sofie was with us and she was thrilled to see him. She ran up to him and hugged and kissed him to, I am sure his mortification, in front of his friends. They oooh'ed and ahh'ed at how cute it was. Connor is doing better. He is working at making up his missed work. It is real obvious he has some problems being in a routine and being organized. I already knew this would be an issue in trying to transition to his father's. He had a routine while he was here. He used his boat time as a study group with the other kids. There is nothing like being trapped on a ferry for an hour and half to urge you into getting work done. He wasn't alone and could collaborate with kids in his grade and above who could really help. His learning style also is something where he needs frequent breaks. It really works best for him and if he is in a real groove just to let him be and if he spends hours on it great. If it is an effort, if he walks around for a bit, gets a snack, talks to someone then goes back he refocuses well. These are all things that I have told Sean before when I was homeschooling Connor. Here is one of the problems. Sean was ok with that. He got it. Kathryn however thinks he should stay at his desk and get through it until he is done without a break. Now Sean thinks that is for the best. Connor said he went to bed with an essay half done (rough draft completed, needed to write the final draft) and his dad woke him up and got him out of bed and made him sit at the desk and finish it. This really alarmed me because we had struggled so much to get Connor into a sleep routine to help him not get depressed. All ducks have to be in a row to try and be proactive in preventing this from happening again if possible. He eats well now, even if he needs prompting to remember to eat, the content is healthy. His sleep routine got established and when he falls out if it he suffers. There are a whole host of things we have done. It is obvious Sean does not think Connor has a problem battling depression. That really worries me.

What was good to hear was Connor didn't really whine and complain about the situation. He didn't give out a long list of complaints to try and rile me up and the few he did mention he clearly knew was his problem to deal with and I also told him I was sorry for him but there was nothing I could do but listen. I did not engage in the game of pitting parents against each other. I also told him I wasn't going to hover over him with his school work. We know what he need to work on and I can help him with reminders but I wasn't going to do anything else. If he needed help he could always ask and I would be there and do what I can but I wasn't going to do his work for him. I also told him he was only just now beginning to understand some of the consequences of doing poorly in school. He knows in his head if he doesn't do well the logic of not getting into a good college, a poor job, lack of money equals not being able to get the things he wants. What he doesn't have is the experience of those things and the feelings it gives. Right now he is feeling the lack of money because of no job which means he can't get things he wants. He no longer asks me for money or to loan him any because I have firmly told him no. If he asks for something he needs then I will do my best to get it. Like clothes, shoes and things of that nature.

I don't for one second think he is ready to move back here like he says. I'll believe it only when it happens. His dad emailed me and said he only came here to run away from his school work. I ignored Sean's blatant attempt to put me down. Well, he did his work when he was here so that wasn't the case. After all the chats and round about hemming and hawing from him he revealed his real issue was with Kathryn. He really went off about how much he hates her. He also resents his father for never taking his side in things and only doing what she says. He said his dad doesn't do anything for himself anymore and that she bosses him around constantly. Connor said he didn't really have an issue with his dad but that there has to be a better way to spend time with him away from her. Connor said he felt they were childish blaming me for things he could now see was their fault. Sofie calling Kathryn a mean witch and her daughter a brat was from how they treat her. He told me he was sorry for saying I encouraged it when it must be so frustrating for me to have to hear Sofie say that and to know dad blames me for it. I just shrugged. What could I say? He also said he felt bad for not wanting to believe Cade in the past when Cade came home crying and complaining about how Kathryn would yell at him for no reason. He said he sees it now how she gets angry at the smallest things and takes it out on Cade. He said she doesn't yell at him but lectures a lot and he resents that she doesn't know what is her business and what isn't. He said she came to his conference with his dad last week and he was very upset. She emails his teachers too without his dad's knowledge. She isn't helping him though but making things worse. He said he hasn't said anything or yelled at her since he wants to keep the peace but he was at his limit and if he hadn't come home he would have lost it with her. She even lectures him about his eating habits which she doesn't think are good enough. He is a vegetarian. Unhealthy? She also told him she was going to make him do indoor track. Connor is very physically fit so that isn't an issue. He does need to do an extra curricular activity that will help his college resume and I told him I agreed with his father he should do something. I also told him I was glad he didn't do anything the first semester. We already had decided he shouldn't because it is hard enough for him to get into the routine of going to school again after summer plus the transition of being at his dad's would just overwhelm him and push him to far. This is all about going slow and easy to not set off a depressive episode. He said he agreed and had been thinking of starting a club at school. I told him that would be great. Even if he didn't he and he found something he enjoyed or even tried out different clubs that would be enough. To force him to do a sport? Outrageous. He hears her telling his dad what to say to him, how to discipline him, what to do to him behind his back then acts nice to his face which just makes him angrier. Will told him she did the same thing to him when he was there but spoke up. He told Connor to speak up and she will back off some. She will still try and manipulate behind his back but so what? She also was telling their dad how to treat Will and Will told both of them off about it.

So, we'll see. He is here until Sunday at least. Then we will go from there. I am also picking him up from school Wednesday to see the dentist. There was one thing that bothered me. After conference he said he needed to pick up a few things from his dad's and asked me if I could drop him off nearby. His dad was supposed to pick him up after the conference but didn't show. I dropped him off and he said he would meet us at the bay lines. I didn't hold my breath. I didn't expect him to really show up but he did. He said he had to walk there. I was shocked since it is a big distance away. It took him an hour. His dad and Kathryn wouldn't give him a ride. That seemed a bit childish.