There are two Connor's. I am not liking the one who lies to me and tells half truths. He was supposed to come over this weekend. I had a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't so I was sort of ok with that. It is sad to know he could care less about seeing me or his siblings. It is also sad to see how his life is all about himself in a self absorbed way that is even more than the typical teenager. I was pretty upset last night when I went to pick up Cade and Sofie from the boat last night and saw them getting off alone. I asked them if they had ridden by themselves. I felt a little panicked about that since they are way too young for that. Cade said no that Connor rode with them. I just stood there as the boat left and realized Connor didn't even bother to get off to at least say hello to me. I wanted to just break down right there and cry. I know he is avoiding me because of his grades. I don't know what he thinks I am going to do about it. There isn't anything I can do. I know conferences are coming up because I keep in touch with the school but he had been avoiding that with me as well. Do I back off or not? When he was here last he said he didn't check his email often so he hadn't heard from me. He said his dad doesn't let him get online at the house very often since Sean uses it frequently. I have no doubt that is true to an extent. I am not like Sean however as Connor may think and blame Sean for Connor not communicating. I am fully aware Connor has his own school laptop he could use to check his email that he is allowed to take home. He also just got a gaming laptop from a friend so he has two ways outside of his father to check emails. I suppose I could start sending snail mail if I have to. At least when I spoke with him last he knows that I am at least trying to keep him updated on what's going on here. I try to keep contact and I do it every single day. Content is less important than effort. I can only hope he sees that someday. Still, he lied again trying to blame his father and I am just not going to play that game. Connor is not going to be pitting me against his dad that way. I know he sees it working from the other perspective. Even if Sean doesn't believe what he says Sean still uses it to hurt me or against me and this gives Connor even more ways to keep the focus off him where it needs to be. No matter what Sean says or does Connor has a certain amount or responsibility and commitment he needs to shoulder for himself and I am not going to forget that. I asked Connor if he was going to come to the island Christmas Party and he said he didn't know. This is something he has done since he was seven years old. He is trying to separate himself from a sense of community as well as his family. Trying to hold my tongue and the line and watch him spiral downwards is the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I want to cry, scream and panic all at the same time. Some days he seems like his old self and others I can see the lies pour off his tongue and it makes me sick. I just smile and say nothing but he isn't fooling me.
He is obsessed with money again. It's another sign of his winter depression. He told me when I saw him last how he got a bunch of trading cards (over a thousand) from a friend and he was going to sell them for money. He was regretting a couple of weeks ago his habit if selling everything he had and how he had to buy stuff all over again and now he is doing it all over again. I am seriously worried about how he is handling money.
I was shopping with Cade on Friday and he asked me for a toy to go with his Halloween costume and I said no. He said he would pay me back. I said no. He got upset and said he would get me the money. I said how? He said he had some stuff to sell. I saw red. I was furious. I felt bad that I went a little overboard with him in my answer. I didn't yell or anything but I reminded him about how Connor was in the position of selling everything he had and look where is now? Also, the point is to earn the money first then pay for something. I would not, could not and just plain won't go through this again. I held my tongue that I did this with his father as well and enough was enough but boy did I think it. I said instead it was a bad habit for Cade to get into and I didn't want him making the same mistakes. I already had to speak to him twice about this selling stuff thing. He tried to sell stuff that wasn't his (at least he asked first) but it is a slippery slope into just thinking, "They never use it anyway so I'll just get rid of it for something useful and I'll share it with them." Trying to give themselves a "reason" why it would be ok to take something that doesn't belong to them and using it for themselves. Sean really did major damage to them. Sean even sold stuff that a friend and her son had left with us and never replaced those items. His reasoning was that the game console my friends son used was broken so he would never use those games. True. It was broken. That didn't mean he wasn't going to fix it or buy a new one. It also, was not Sean's to sell in the first place or for him to decide what was best to do with those games. How high minded of him. That only he knows what is best. I had thought by having the kids stuff taken from them and sold without their knowledge they would have empathy and know not to do that to someone else but Connor is did the same thing and now Cade. Will hides all his stuff from them because he doesn't trust them. At east one of them nows it's wrong. I guess Cade only thinks it's wrong if it is done to him. How did things come to this? Then Cade tried to sell something that was his but it was something he loved. He was so into the moment of wanting something else he didn't think about how he would feel later if he sold it. The regret and then having to buy it all over again. I stopped him and said no he couldn't sell it. He has since thanked me but it was just another case of seeing Cade do something Connor has done. Cade said how since Connor left how they have gotten close. When I asked him to write a list of pros and cons on how this turn of events happened he clearly saw this wasn't the case. Connor was telling him they were closer but it is simply Cade missing him so much he has been trying to get Connor's approval by trying to copy him and liking all the same stuff. I told Cade to just be himself. Trying to make Connor like him wasn't going to bring him home. They need to love each other for who they are and it's ok not to like everything about each other. That is healthy.
Another thing that occurred to me last week when dealing with Cade was how ironic it is that Connor who was the one Sean hurt the most by slamming into a door, throwing stuff at his head, calling him names, shoving him around and stole the most stuff from, if not money, (that was Will) even though Sean did steal money as well and stuff like that, is the one who is with Sean now. The one most abused is the one living with him. Why? It has been a bad week.
There are two Connor's. I am not liking the one who lies to me and tells half truths. He was supposed to come over this weekend. I had a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't so I was sort of ok with that. It is sad to know he could care less about seeing me or his siblings. It is also sad to see how his life is all about himself in a self absorbed way that is even more than the typical teenager. I was pretty upset last night when I went to pick up Cade and Sofie from the boat last night and saw them getting off alone. I asked them if they had ridden by themselves. I felt a little panicked about that since they are way too young for that. Cade said no that Connor rode with them. I just stood there as the boat left and realized Connor didn't even bother to get off to at least say hello to me. I wanted to just break down right there and cry. I know he is avoiding me because of his grades. I don't know what he thinks I am going to do about it. There isn't anything I can do. I know conferences are coming up because I keep in touch with the school but he had been avoiding that with me as well. Do I back off or not? When he was here last he said he didn't check his email often so he hadn't heard from me. He said his dad doesn't let him get online at the house very often since Sean uses it frequently. I have no doubt that is true to an extent. I am not like Sean however as Connor may think and blame Sean for Connor not communicating. I am fully aware Connor has his own school laptop he could use to check his email that he is allowed to take home. He also just got a gaming laptop from a friend so he has two ways outside of his father to check emails. I suppose I could start sending snail mail if I have to. At least when I spoke with him last he knows that I am at least trying to keep him updated on what's going on here. I try to keep contact and I do it every single day. Content is less important than effort. I can only hope he sees that someday. Still, he lied again trying to blame his father and I am just not going to play that game. Connor is not going to be pitting me against his dad that way. I know he sees it working from the other perspective. Even if Sean doesn't believe what he says Sean still uses it to hurt me or against me and this gives Connor even more ways to keep the focus off him where it needs to be. No matter what Sean says or does Connor has a certain amount or responsibility and commitment he needs to shoulder for himself and I am not going to forget that. I asked Connor if he was going to come to the island Christmas Party and he said he didn't know. This is something he has done since he was seven years old. He is trying to separate himself from a sense of community as well as his family. Trying to hold my tongue and the line and watch him spiral downwards is the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I want to cry, scream and panic all at the same time. Some days he seems like his old self and others I can see the lies pour off his tongue and it makes me sick. I just smile and say nothing but he isn't fooling me. 
1 comments:
It's sounding more and more like Connor has some bipolar going on, isn't it? The way you pointed out that there are 2 Connors...Could it be that Connor has a "That Guy"?
You've got your hands full. Sean has done a lifetime number on all of those poor kids and you're stuck doing damage control :-(
For what it's worth, though, I think you're doing an amazing job. It'd just be so much easier if Sean would just go away.
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