Our Island Family Life

Don't freak. I'm not going to whine..much...:)

I heard yesterday about a friend who just found out she was being cheated on by her husband. She is a stay at home mom with oodles of kids (more then two is an oodle unless it's twins then it's a nightmare..:) ) I just can't understand it. Let's just say I have another reason to despise facebook and the ilk. When will cheaters learn there is always a trail? Anyway, I found an article (opinion piece) I found amusing. I really wish I could sue too. Actually, I really haven't fully processed the whole cheating thing myself. I don't want to feel bitter and nasty so I have pushed a lot of negative feelings aside and only pull them out to look at occasionally, do a little coping then push it away again while I build my emotional reserves. I gave Sean excuses for he behavior before and now know that his mental illness played a part in some of those bad choices. It doesn't hurt any less or make me still wonder why this happened. One thing I am good with is knowing it wasn't my fault or wondering what is wrong with me that he had to do this. I could have been *itch of the world and that STILL would have been no justification for it. He could have told me I was being nasty tried to work it out or chose to leave and only AFTER things are over do you find someone new. Anyway, I included the link to the post I mentioned...check it out..

On other notes, I am feeling uneasy about the Cade/Sean situation. Cade told me before bed last night he is no longer willing to go on visits with his dad. He said his dad needed to apologize for his accusations and tell Cade he trusts him and start protecting him at visits. If his dad doesn't do those things then Cade won't go. Cade said he would go if his dad said he was sorry. Now, I feel at odds. What the heck do I do? There is the court order in place where Cade and Sofie are to go. For Will and Connor the order states even though Sean has visitations with them as well, they are unwilling to go and should only be encouraged to go. I want to stay out of the argument between them as much as possible. My personal opinion is Cade does deserve an apology. Parents make mistakes all the time. I don't even fault Sean for at least questioning Cade about it. Where things got hairy was when Cade took an hour writing down everything he did and accounting for every dime. I questioned his brothers and friends and school airing dirty laundry. Cade was upset but understood why I did those things and did not object wanting to clear his name in his father's eyes. After all that to still be accused, get yelled at and walked out on is just too much. When I mess up with them (which I do almost daily) I apologize and do my best not to repeat those errors of judgement. I think it sets a good example. I mean a real honest to goodness apology. Not some half-lame excuse for one that a lot of kids try to pull. There comes a time when you want to set a limit for how you wish to be treated by other people and what you can accept and what you can't. I think Cade has reached that point in this situation. When he told me what he wanted to do he did not cry, did not raise his voice, did not seem outwardly upset at all. He did not call his dad names or refer to the problem as stupid or dumb. He was resigned. It was obvious he had been thinking about it since last Friday and he outlined the three things he wanted his dad to do but named the one thing he HAD to have in order to continue with visits. He was able to tell the difference between what he wants and what he was willing to accept in order to keep moving forward. I was quite stunned to be honest. Cade is only 10 and emotionally he is quick to temper or cry and reverts to name calling when venting. When he confronted his dad on Friday he was holding his tears in by a thread. It is nice to be able to understand that when he is given time to process he really does think clearly even if it doesn't seem like he is outwardly. It is a part of knowing your child and what they are capable of. In the moment stuff he is a mess. His mind goes blank and he blurts out just about anything to get himself away from the situation. Give him time and he will come back, calmer and be able to talk rationally even though he may be tearing up as he does it. He also said he had a hard time understanding the person his dad is now. He said he acts like a completely different person than he was when he lived here. How he talks, what he eats, how he dresses, the music he listens to, how he treats them, everything. He said his dad is a stranger and he would rather have his dad he knew back who threw things at him than the guy he has to see now. His dad still yells and calls him names like retarded which hurts a lot but he would rather have his dad call him names and be himself than a clone of TMW.

I think I will let Cade talk to his dad and they will have to work this out. What I will do is not tell Cade he has to go. Sean needs to do that and if Cade still refuses then see what Sean does from there. If he apologizes then I will remind Cade he said he would go if his dad said sorry. If not then see how Sean plans on forcing Cade to go. Will he carry him to the car and strap him in? I will have to wait and see. I will bring Cade to the bay lines though and after that the two of them need to work things out. What more can I do?