Our Island Family Life

I can't help but worry and I think that, plus my odd compulsion to be accommodating is what is causing me a lot of stress. For example, Sean didn't show up to meet the kids like he was supposed to, court ordered to, fine. Stressful? Annoying? Hurtful to the kids? Thoughtless as to my needs? Sure. It didn't bother me over much. It was the email he sent afterwords that sent my blood pressure through the roof. Not angry...just stressed. The fact it went to my lawyer, making it seem like I wasn't doing what was best for the kids, making me look bad. That made me feel awful. I did what I think he knew I would do and figured something out for him to see the kids. He never offered a plan. Never apologized. Never gave an explanation to me or the kids why he "couldn't" be there on time. I stuck my neck out and made it happen...again. So last Tuesday was the first time since May when I got the papers from the sheriff about Sean's motion that I have cried. I didn't even realize how stressed I was until I was talking to Cade's counselor alone about some stuff and I just broke down and cried. I cried again in my own session later that day. It was my first session with her but I had already met her and talked with her several times since 2007 concerning the kids so maybe I felt comfortable. I dunno. I mean I was telling her about my day and what I needed to do and her eyes widened and she said one thing she would like to work on with me and separating myself emotionally form Sean. Which I have done quite a bit and thought I was doing ok until this whole mess started up again. Second, to not do so much for everyone else. I thought I was already pretty selfish with my time as it was but not enough it seems. She said it was his responsibility as an adult to be there on time on Friday and the order was in place for a reason. If he doesn't make it then that's his consequence and I shouldn't have to try and solve the problem. I knew she was right and I told her in co-parenting counseling before we were told it might be best to just stick to the schedule. I am going to try harder in keeping to that and try to with stand Sean's negative reaction to that. In thinking about it I have NEVER asked him to change days with me. I have asked him a few times if he would like to pick them up earlier than we normally do, 1:30pm instead of 5:30, but that later time isn't an order, just what we have tried to keep routine.

My day yesterday was along these lines, got up a 5am and got ready for the boat, got Cade and Sofie ready, dropped Sofie off after calming her down about leaving me, when to the grocery store and realized I left my bank card at home, took Cade to his session, cried and learned of some more of Sean's crap, tried to drop Cade off and missed the boat, he was upset and I teared up again feeling like I had failed him, went to wal-mart to pick up stuff for the library, one of the houses I clean and for the man I take care off as well as a few things for myself with what cash I had on me, ate lunch in the car I had snagged earlier that morning at the grocery store, dropped the freight off and Cade, searched for my new counselor's office I had never been to and got lost, filled out MORE paperwork once I found her, saw her and cried again, went to the bank, parked the car, walked to the bay lines, met up with two classmates to car pool the the testing place for our EMT national exam, got fingerprinted and got all but patted down to take the darn thing, worried I either did really well or failed miserably since we were in and out in half an hour (the other two only tested half an hour as well), was treated to a fish taco and a drink afterwords which was nice, my pants tore and are now unrepairable which is bad, missed the last boat but was able to take the fire boat home. I was so tired I didn't even put all my groceries away when I got home which I had to ask someone to pick up for me on the 4pm ferry since I didn't get home until nearly 8pm. An almost typical day. I'm not complaining but I guess when viewed from the outside it seems a bit much? Today I was up at 5am and cleaned up the house a bit, went to the nursing job, I am at the library now, will go home to babysit and take the scrapper with me to clean a house, then I will be going back to the nursing job which now will be evening work as well as mornings every night for at least another week maybe two. I figure I may want to drop dead in the short term but things will slow down in the winter time and I need the extra money now.

I haven't heard yet if the court has decided to cancel next month's hearing for child support yet. I hope so very much they do. I figure we can visit the issue in September anyway at the mediation/pretrial hearing anyway. Pray..pray ...pray. I tell myself, sufficient unto the day, about a hundred times a day. I am not sure it's working yet.

Oh, and the crap I mentioned earlier..Sean called Cade's counselor again and asked her if she would be his family's (him, his new wife and Cade) counselor and then asked her if she would also be our co-parenting counsleor. I was already wiping tears away by the time she told me this and I laughed a bit and said that would be a conflict of interest. She totally agreed and had already told him no on both counts. She said to him Cade is her client (which she has told him numerous times) and that if in the course of HIS sessions she deemed it worth it to have him and or kathryn there then they would do that. She told him to go through the system and get enrolled to see someone for his family and for us if that is what he wanted to do. She said she thinks he told her he was doing that. He could have been blowing smoke about that or not, who knows. I told her the name of the person we had seen there before and she nodded and said Sean told her he didn't want to see Paula again. I told my own counsleor about that and she said that Sean may not have liked what Paula had been telling him but he will find that will be the case with anyone he sees. Counsleors aren't there to just tell you how right you are. He had seen someone else there and I forgot to mention that to Cade's counselor I will have to do that next week. Sean had said she was appalled with MY behavior with getting Connor into seeing a pdoc the first time. So, we'll see.

Like Sofie's new do? :)

Last Tuesday Sean emailed me asking if we could switch days this weekend a bit for his weekend with the kids. He asked if I would bring them in on Saturday and he would bring them back Monday. I replied the same day that I would do that but since I had assumed the kids would be gone I had plans to work from 7am until 5pm and I couldn't get them on the boat in time. I waited for a reply about what to do next but he didn't send me anything. On Thursday I emailed him again letting him know the kids and I would be waiting at the bay lines for him at 5:30 on Friday like usual. Still no reply when I checked that night and Friday morning. So, the kids and I went in on the noon boat and I did some errands. I figured I had to go bring them in anyway and took off babysitting a little early to go to wal-mart and get Sofie a haircut. She is so CUTE! I had to go to the bank and a few other things. While I was at the haircut place Will called and said Sean had called the house while he was in the shower and left a message for me asking if I got his email about not being able to get the kids. He hoped I hadn't gotten on the boat already. He called around 3:30. If I had taken the 3:50 boat from the island instead of the noon like I did I still would have missed his call. I had not gotten an email when I checked at 11:30am which was the last time I could check before I got on the noon boat. So, I had to pay for a ticket for Cade to come home. I then had to rethink how I was going to work with Sofie home. In the end I left her home with Cade and Connor (who came home last night saying his dad was going "out" and there would be no one there) in the morning while at did my home care and then Connor brought her to the library and I watched her myself. I took her home for lunch (borrowed a golf cart) and took her with me to my cleaning job. I skipped the second cleaning job so I had to compromise. When I got home last night I checked the email (since Sean called) and saw that he wants to switch stuff again. He wants Connor to bring Sofie in on Sunday and bring her back on Tuesday. I don't see why Connor should be chosen without even asking him to watch her on the ferry. I at least ask when I need the help. I also don't see why Sean couldn't get the kids himself. After all I was there on Friday like I am supposed to be. I don't want to be unreasonable but I am just not sure I can figure out what to do. Cade works on Mondays. He didn't go in today on his own like Sean requested and I really didn't want him to when Sean would not be able to get a hold of me or Cade for that matter while I was going from job to job. I feel stressed and I didn't even do anything.

I heard back from my lawyer yesterday. I had emailed him about the therapy visit and all the copay stuff Sean and said as well as all our emails to each other concerning the issue. He said he would email Sean. He did. I got a copy and ouch. I wonder if it will only make Sean angrier with me but oh well. It wasn't rude or anything. He just said he had all of our emails and that Sean DOES have to pay half of the co-pay's no matter who's insurance is used. Then t went on to say if he doesn't we will have to mention that he didn't participate in co-parenting counseling that he had in good faith agreed to at the next hearing. I have not heard anything from Sean. We shall see.

I guess I'm so flustered I keep forgetting things. I am back home now and had lunch, read Sofie a book, put Sofie down for a nap, made Cade get in the shower, got dinner in the crock pot, did dishes, hung the laundry and did some picking up.

Lull at work now so I thought I would mention a few things I forgot. I was really emotionally wiped yesterday. I realized I had been out of the mood swing loop in a face to face way with Sean for a while. Seeing him turn off and on like that in person was troubling and darn it all I felt hurt and confused. You have that knee jerk feeling of wanting to defend yourself but talking to someone who is obviously angry and you KNOW has a history of mental issues it is best not to argue. I guess asking questions is a bad idea as well. What was stunning to me was to see him seethe and lash out at me verbally in the waiting room then turn on the charm and act calm and rational and reasonable when we sat in the counselor's office. I was struggling hard not to have tears fall from my eyes from shock and I am not sure I fooled anyone. I got the sympathetic looks and I was not at liberty to say, "It isn't because of the Connor situation it's because I just got verbally thrashed in your waiting room a few minutes ago." When I called the counselor back later in the day I should have mentioned it but I was already too frazzled and more focused on Connor and his needs than my own. Now I am kicking myself for not doing so earlier. Of course I was the one who looked like the "emotional" one and not Sean. How can people turn off and on like that? I am not all with it now either. I have the afternoon off but I will be cleaning my own place for a change and spending some time with Sofie and Cade. I really need to do that.

I had the therapy session with Connor and Sean yesterday, sorta. It was a nightmare. Connor went in first alone and Sean and I were in the waiting room two seats apart. It was 8am so we were the only ones there. The staff was hidden away across the room out of sight and most likely hearing. This is the first time I have been "alone" with Sean since he tried to punch me in the car in 2007. All other times we have been either in public with many people around or in a therapy session. He asked me if I got his email reply to the one I sent him clarifying the insurance issue surrounding the co-parenting therapist. I hadn't so he told me what he said. Even with being reimbursed he didn't have the $45 upfront to pay so he wasn't going and I needed to find someone else. (me not him) All I could do was blink. I had taken my two anxiety pills before we got there so I was feeling ok and calm so I wasn't snapping or getting angry. I told him I was a little confused as to the problem since we signed a paper in mediation to split the cost and I didn't have $45 to spare either but we both just had to find a way to make it happen. He said no. He then was snide and siad he didn't know how much money I had. I told him he did since I turned over my taxes to him and gave him my child support affidavit. Just as I had some idea of his income since I had his (not his taxes though) and I knew he made more money than me. He said I didn't know anything and he didn't either. I told him it was not guess work but facts in black in white in court records so yes I did. I reminded him the kids and I were on food stamps and the state medical plan. Then he said even if we do find someone who takes his insurance I needed to pay all of the co-pay. I was confused and asked him why, since again, we agreed to split the cost. He said he was paying the insurance so if we had a $100 therapy bill he was the one paying for most of it so I should pay the co-pay and he would NEVER pay any part of any co-pay. He was getting agitated by this point. I told him I understood he was upset at having to pay the kids medical insurance but this was what was ordered by the court set by the guidelines of his income and I wasn't sure how his paying for insurance pertained to us sharing the co-pay costs we signed in mediation. He flipped out. He was whispering because he KNEW someone was around but he was verbally abusive and nasty to me. He said I was being confrontational and just saying that was unnecessary and just shows how I can never work with him. (Among other things) I told him I was just confused about the legality of what he was saying and to be fair I should ask the lawyer what the correct thing to do was. He then went on to say how I should go ahead and ask him so then me and my lawyer could twist everything around to make it seem like he wasn't committed to counseling and how we called him names before in court and was sure to do it again. Like any judge would allow name calling in court? I had no clue what he was talking about. He said a few other choice words, was sarcastic and mean. I just sighed and told him it was obvious he wasn't going to see the guy that was recommended and that I was seeing someone next week and would ask her since she knew the boys and the situation and might have a good idea. I also told him I got a name from the office of Dr. ******. He said "Who?" I looked at him for a second and said, "You're psychiatrist?" He looked and me blankly and then looked at a magazine. I went on to say I would ask them and get back to him. He ignored me. Then we went in to see Connor's counselor without Connor. I didn't think that was a great idea. So, the guy said Connor told him he wants to live with his dad and we need to make this a smooth process yada yada. I was near tears because of the whole thing I just went through in the waiting room and I didn't feel safe to tell the counselor Connor has no CLUE what the difference in primary and shared residency means. Connor just wants to come and go as he pleases and thinks that the only thing that will change his him saying he lives with his dad. I called the guy back later and told him we needed another session with the three of us and him together so Connor would have to say what he wants clearly to everyone and not say one thing to each person, understands exactly what the changes will be and set some kind of schedule. He needs to understand he won't be coming and going and if he gets pissed and me he can't just run off to dad's or vice versa.

I got my first summer time paychecks outside of library pay today and I am quite pleased for a weeks work. $597.50. Whoot! That didn't even included my babysitting pay. Of course $419 of it will go to my car insurance payment and the rest towards two bills so I still won't have the juice to cover rent next month. Still, I think I will be getting around $350 next week and that might just let me squeeze by.

So, tomorrow I will email Sean and let him know, make sure he understands, the process concerning the insurance for counseling. I have to keep in mind his mental illness and how he takes in information. I am not sure he understood the counselor and all he heard was, "I don't take blue cross blue shield" and not "I don't submit bills to insurance companies. I am pay as you go and give you all the paperwork you need to submit to your insurance company yourself." Really, it would be harder on me since I am not covered under Sean's insurance. It would be cheaper for both of us if he submits the whole bill under his name and then I pay him half of the copay when he gets reimbursed. Still, I highly doubt he would be sure to let me know he was reimbursed and it would a struggle to get him to pay me back the difference from what we would have to pay upfront to the counselor. After that I am not sure.

So, I forgot I could do this while I ate. Multi-tasking is my middle name. Heard back from Sean. Therapy is a no go. He says he can't afford to pay his half of the sessions. Like I can? He asked me if I had any other ideas. What about him? Well, I called the counselor back and he confirmed he is a pay as you go guy. So we pay him then submit to insurance ourselves and get reimbursed. It's doable it would just be effort on our part to do the submitting. It all just paperwork and yes it is annoying and yes it would be frustrating and time consuming, however, if Sean was really committed to the process it could work. So, I called the lawyer and told him what happened. I guess I will do some more research. It isn't like Sean will.

No picture today. A quickie from work since I won't have time later. Still haven't heard back from Sean about the co-parenting counseling. I emailed him today (I gave him a week to respond) and told him I needed to know by 3pm today so I could call the guy. If I didn't hear from him then I would just reschedule for something next Tuesday. To be honest even though I know Sean and I need to talk via a third party I hope he bails. One, it would look bad for him. Two, I really would like an afternoon to myself, sorta, I could take Sofie to yoga class they have free here on the island on Tuesday afternoon of he doesn't answer me. I gave him the deadline because that is what the last counselor told me to do when he did stuff like this. So I am taking her advice. I said 3pm because I will need to call before I leave on the ferry this afternoon to bring Cade and Sofie in to see their dad. If he tries to tell me at the bay lines he can go I will just tell him it is too late. I think he may be balking at my request he pay for half of the babysitting I will need for Sofie that day as well as the cost to see the guy in the first place which we are ordered to split. He doesn't "have" to split the cost of babysitting for Sofie. I only asked since it seemed fair to me but I wasn't saying I wouldn't go if he didn't. *sigh*

My feet are ready to fall off. I need a moving car of some sort. I am borrowing one today and tomorrow and it has helped already. My feet were swollen and ached so bad I wanted to cry last night. I got off them around 4pm and told the kids they had to help out and fetch stuff for me. I doubt they liked it much but what can you do? I will need to make an appointment to see my doctor. I like walking but then on my feet the whole time doesn't help. So, this afternoon after the library I have to run home grab lunch and Sofie and clean a house for about an hour, get ready for the boat, check to see if Sean emailed me and call the counselor either way before we hop on the ferry. Drop the kids off, come home, then go back to the house and finish the job. It will be after 9pm by then. I had better bring a flashlight. No light on the grassy path to their house.

My feet are whimpering and I have a slight cough. I can NOT get sick right now.

I wish I could schedule the bad stuff in my life to fit neatly into the good stuff so there would be some kind of healthy pattern. Have some good, have some bad. Not "too" much bad at one time. Oh well. I got mail from the lawyer today. My stuff has been scheduled. Next month is the interim hearing about child support. If it happens or not still remains to be seen. Sean has until the 21st (ten days not counting the weekends) to turn over his taxes and other financial info. If he doesn't then I am not sure if it will go to a hearing. Then our mediation and pretrial case management hearing on the same day in September. I like the fact it is in September for several reasons. One, the kids will have already started school and it will be unlikely for a judge to pull the kids out and have them change households. Second, it will give both Cade and Connor some time in therapy with dad and it will remain to be seen if Sean can maintain his effort for that long. Third, Connor will have some time to see what living with dad is really like. Connor in therapy, good thing, Connor getting a heavy dose of reality, good thing. Sean's grip on being mr. nice guy, not happening. Being a parent is a consistent effort that Sean just can not do without huge support. Support, not orders and being told what to do like "the wife" does. Connor isn't going to take kindly to that. I talked with him today. He sounded sad and tired. I asked if he was ok and he said he was but I know just by listening to him something is bothering him. He is at his dad's again. I told him about the teen bonfire tonight in case he wanted to come and told him I felt bad he didn't wake up on Tuesday to say good bye to me and his grandmother before we left. I asked him when he was coming home and he said on Sunday. He was hoping to spend some time with his friends but it hasn't happened so he hopes to do so later this week. I am sure he thought living in town would afford him easy access to his friends and whatever else he wanted to do but it isn't turning out that way. Even there he has to make plans and accommodate other people. *gasp* On top of that he can't walk around downtown and go to the music store to browse and whatever like he could do when he was here. He could jump on the ferry, hang with friends, go around town and be home by 4pm to do group activities. He can't just jump on a bike and take off there like he can here. Oh, well, guess he didn't think things though.

Ok, head still hurts but not so bad. Patience is at an all time low. Got mail from my lawyer today with the stuff he sent Sean. Included was the info for the co-parenting counselor. Since I have had no word from Sean about it I called myself and left a message with the guy. I hope he is able to get back to me sometime today since I will be in town all day tomorrow. Cade has his first session with his dad tomorrow morning. Sean finally called to let Cade know he was coming. It galls me that Sean is only now talking to Cade because he wants to look good in court. I hope to god we get a judge who sees his games for what they are. On the plus side Sean is talking to Cade now no matter the motives so we'll see what happens.

I can't sleep. Woke with a migrane. Cade's glasses broke. Sofie doesn't want to let me out of her sight. The VCR stopped working. The tent pole broke. Little straws, camels back is in excruciating pain. Coping skills failing. Feels like everything is spiraling out of control. Connor is detached from us telling me he is an outcast in our family. Finally work available but not enough time. No sitter for Sofie. Not enough time with her so she is acting out. Cade is stressed about his dad and the boss from one of his jobs (good reason though). I need a shower and a full day off with my family. I guess I just can't balance things very well with the extra stress going on. Why is it things seem harder now than during the divorce? I feel like things are never going to end. I also wish "the wife" would drop dead. I feel guilty about that since I don't like to think I am someone to think ill of another person. I do though. Some kind of nasty painful disease would be nice. Nothing quick. See? I am a horrible, horrible person.

I feel guilty even being online to write this. I have been working pretty much non stop. Not just for money but to take my mind off of everything. I am so tired of trying to please everyone and worrying about the kids I just cried and cried last night.

Sean finally called and asked for Cade today. Not like the message on Friday about Cade intended for me wondering about therapy. Nearly three months, three months Cade has gone without a call from his dad. I answered the phone and told Sean Cade wasn't home at the moment but playing with friends at the square and I would let him know Sean called. Sean thanked me pleasantly and hung up. Cade got home about half and hour later and I told him. Cade was skeptical. I had no reason to lie of course. I told him I wasn't going to tell him to call his dad back or not to call him back. This was between them. I did tell him that I wanted his brain to chew over the idea that maybe his dad was ready to apologize, or maybe he wanted to join Cade in therapy, who knows? Cade thought about it but then said he didn't want to talk to his dad over the phone at all anymore. He said he was also feeling "sketchy" about his dad being in therapy because his dad would tell him one thing over the phone and then say another in front of the counselor and it made him very angry. I asked him if he called his dad out about saying two different things at the therapy sessions and he said he didn't. I told him that if dad came this time to just lay it all out. The good the bad and the ugly. Rose won't let dad raise his voice or call Cade a liar or anything else. That is why she is there. If dad tries those tricks again, tell. Tell, tell, tell and hold him accountable for other people to see. Let his dad know he can't do that to Cade anymore and that he can stand up for himself more now than before. I told him if he felt the only place he felt comfortable talking to his dad again was therapy then that was better than not talking at all. If talking on the phone was too hard then email him. No matter what he chooses Cade has to be the one to tell his dad when his sessions are and that his dad was invited to come. I wasn't going to do it. If his dad calls for him I am going to give Cade the phone and if Cade doesn't want to talk to him Cade has to be the one to tell him. I wasn't going to do it and neither would Rose. So, Cade chose to call his dad and tell him when his next session was, day and time, and that Sean could come if he wanted to. Cade didn't want to talk about anything else but to inform his dad about the session. Sean didn't answer his phone so Cade left a message with the info and also explained why he didn't want to talk to his dad over the phone or email. So far Sean hasn't called back. I would hope he would call to let Cade know if he is going to come or not. Again, that will be between them. I called the counselor and let her know Sean finally called and of Cade's reaction and subsequent call back. I wanted her to have a heads up if Sean decides to show up on the 13th. Maybe he will call her instead of Cade. If so I hope she tells him he needs to call Cade and let him know. It's like hand holding a baby with him. So, progress of some form. I don't expect it to last.