Our Island Family Life

I can't help but worry and I think that, plus my odd compulsion to be accommodating is what is causing me a lot of stress. For example, Sean didn't show up to meet the kids like he was supposed to, court ordered to, fine. Stressful? Annoying? Hurtful to the kids? Thoughtless as to my needs? Sure. It didn't bother me over much. It was the email he sent afterwords that sent my blood pressure through the roof. Not angry...just stressed. The fact it went to my lawyer, making it seem like I wasn't doing what was best for the kids, making me look bad. That made me feel awful. I did what I think he knew I would do and figured something out for him to see the kids. He never offered a plan. Never apologized. Never gave an explanation to me or the kids why he "couldn't" be there on time. I stuck my neck out and made it happen...again. So last Tuesday was the first time since May when I got the papers from the sheriff about Sean's motion that I have cried. I didn't even realize how stressed I was until I was talking to Cade's counselor alone about some stuff and I just broke down and cried. I cried again in my own session later that day. It was my first session with her but I had already met her and talked with her several times since 2007 concerning the kids so maybe I felt comfortable. I dunno. I mean I was telling her about my day and what I needed to do and her eyes widened and she said one thing she would like to work on with me and separating myself emotionally form Sean. Which I have done quite a bit and thought I was doing ok until this whole mess started up again. Second, to not do so much for everyone else. I thought I was already pretty selfish with my time as it was but not enough it seems. She said it was his responsibility as an adult to be there on time on Friday and the order was in place for a reason. If he doesn't make it then that's his consequence and I shouldn't have to try and solve the problem. I knew she was right and I told her in co-parenting counseling before we were told it might be best to just stick to the schedule. I am going to try harder in keeping to that and try to with stand Sean's negative reaction to that. In thinking about it I have NEVER asked him to change days with me. I have asked him a few times if he would like to pick them up earlier than we normally do, 1:30pm instead of 5:30, but that later time isn't an order, just what we have tried to keep routine.

My day yesterday was along these lines, got up a 5am and got ready for the boat, got Cade and Sofie ready, dropped Sofie off after calming her down about leaving me, when to the grocery store and realized I left my bank card at home, took Cade to his session, cried and learned of some more of Sean's crap, tried to drop Cade off and missed the boat, he was upset and I teared up again feeling like I had failed him, went to wal-mart to pick up stuff for the library, one of the houses I clean and for the man I take care off as well as a few things for myself with what cash I had on me, ate lunch in the car I had snagged earlier that morning at the grocery store, dropped the freight off and Cade, searched for my new counselor's office I had never been to and got lost, filled out MORE paperwork once I found her, saw her and cried again, went to the bank, parked the car, walked to the bay lines, met up with two classmates to car pool the the testing place for our EMT national exam, got fingerprinted and got all but patted down to take the darn thing, worried I either did really well or failed miserably since we were in and out in half an hour (the other two only tested half an hour as well), was treated to a fish taco and a drink afterwords which was nice, my pants tore and are now unrepairable which is bad, missed the last boat but was able to take the fire boat home. I was so tired I didn't even put all my groceries away when I got home which I had to ask someone to pick up for me on the 4pm ferry since I didn't get home until nearly 8pm. An almost typical day. I'm not complaining but I guess when viewed from the outside it seems a bit much? Today I was up at 5am and cleaned up the house a bit, went to the nursing job, I am at the library now, will go home to babysit and take the scrapper with me to clean a house, then I will be going back to the nursing job which now will be evening work as well as mornings every night for at least another week maybe two. I figure I may want to drop dead in the short term but things will slow down in the winter time and I need the extra money now.

I haven't heard yet if the court has decided to cancel next month's hearing for child support yet. I hope so very much they do. I figure we can visit the issue in September anyway at the mediation/pretrial hearing anyway. Pray..pray ...pray. I tell myself, sufficient unto the day, about a hundred times a day. I am not sure it's working yet.

Oh, and the crap I mentioned earlier..Sean called Cade's counselor again and asked her if she would be his family's (him, his new wife and Cade) counselor and then asked her if she would also be our co-parenting counsleor. I was already wiping tears away by the time she told me this and I laughed a bit and said that would be a conflict of interest. She totally agreed and had already told him no on both counts. She said to him Cade is her client (which she has told him numerous times) and that if in the course of HIS sessions she deemed it worth it to have him and or kathryn there then they would do that. She told him to go through the system and get enrolled to see someone for his family and for us if that is what he wanted to do. She said she thinks he told her he was doing that. He could have been blowing smoke about that or not, who knows. I told her the name of the person we had seen there before and she nodded and said Sean told her he didn't want to see Paula again. I told my own counsleor about that and she said that Sean may not have liked what Paula had been telling him but he will find that will be the case with anyone he sees. Counsleors aren't there to just tell you how right you are. He had seen someone else there and I forgot to mention that to Cade's counselor I will have to do that next week. Sean had said she was appalled with MY behavior with getting Connor into seeing a pdoc the first time. So, we'll see.