Our Island Family Life

I did get food to eat at the grocery store but was on such a tight schedule I didn't eat it. I refuse to eat and drive. Not safe. I did manage to drink some juice though. The kids ate in the van while we went from the grocery store to wal-mart. When that was done I parked the van and Will and Cade went to Amatos to grab some dinner while Sofie and I walked to the bay lines. Will bought me a chicken and spinach calzone which I ate about 3/4 of since I was pretty hungry by then. Then a neighbor who was coming home on the boat gave me a free beer. She said it was good with calzones. Normally I don't drink, much less beer. I have a hard time drinking carbonated things. Still, free is free. Too bad free doesn't equal fat free.

Before I got to eat though I waited for Sean to come and get the kids. Cade of course was getting some food just so he didn't have to eat anything there. When Sean makes dinner it's at least edible. I spent many years training him to cook. You should have seen him when we were first together. It would make you shudder. Think, the worst cooks in America. Anyway, all my hard work is wasted bc TMW thinks she can cook. Even Sofie complains and she never complains about food. She might say she doesn't want any more but never says ewww. When TMW was here (still galls me) I cooked and she was in awe. She said she would have never thought to have put some things together the way I did. Uh..you mean the salad? What? So, anyway, Cade refuses to eat her food. Will did too when he was there. While they were off getting chai and pazzo bread, Sofie and I waited. When Sean finally showed up I had to flag him down. He didn't see us. Then I asked him about February vacation while Sofie was talking to my friend who was also waiting for the boat. I had already emailed him twice about if he was taking the kids or not. He hadn't responded. He said he didn't know. He would email me this weekend. He said he didn't know if he had stuff planned already or not. If he did then he would take them in April. I was thinking, oh yeah, unless you have something planned then too. I just told him that was fine, I would take them either vacation. I just was trying to know ahead of time so I could make plans. He asked where Cade was and I told him he was with Will and would be there soon. Sean looked surprised and asked if he was downtown alone. Didn't I just say he was with Will? I told him he was with Will and only one street away. He was too young to be unsupervised or downtown. He just nodded. I called Cade and he was only one building away so I told Sean he could just take Sofie to the car and by the time he got her buckled in Cade would be there to meet him. Sofie had been chatting away happily to my friend the whole time and my friend saw Sean was ready to go so she told Sofie she should put her hat on to stay warm. Sofie's lower lip shot out and she began to cry. She didn't want to go. My friend patted her and got up so I could take her. There is nothing Sean can say that convinces her to go. She just cries and cries. I was finally able to get her coat on while talking to her and I promised her when she got home we could do something fun together and she finally agreed to go. She was still sniffing when she went with tears running down her face. My friend came back and she hugged me. She could see how hard it was on Sofie. Sean had known her for five years and he stood two feet away and never once said hi to her. No one can understand how he was able to cut his whole life out. Not just me but all his friends and to an extent his children. He doesn't have one friend from before he left. Some he knew for 20 years. My friend asked me if I was ok. She said she knew this must be very hard on me. It is. I thought that over time I would get used to it some. The whole adjustment thing. None of us are truly adjusting. We do what we have to but no one likes being forced to do things against their will. Until all the kids are 18 we will have to be the puppets in Sean's little game.

I really am beginning to cherish the times when we don't have to deal with him. Those are the moments when we are starting to find out what OUR normal life is becoming. A life without him in it is peaceful. I wonder sometimes how we managed dealing with his mood swings and distant behavior before. Did we just live for the scraps of loving emotions he sometimes shared? Not just me but the kids. His lies over simple things like saying he took out the trash when he didn't. Oh, I forgot. I must have dreamed it. How long did he think we wouldn't notice? Let me make clear, do I think he will really email me this weekend about vacation week just because he said he would? Even a few months ago I would have believed him since it is such a small thing. Not like an affair. Why lie over something so mundane? Then, when he failed to email I would have gotten angry. A year ago I would have been hurt and confused as to why he did that. Now, I expect nothing. I might be very annoyed. It is hard to plan when you aren't sure what you are doing. I have begun to make two sets of plans for things like this. It may seem like extra work for me but if it saves me heartache and the lessens the kids anxiety of not knowing what or where they are going to be it's worth it.

I am pretty certain Sean is upset and stalling on purpose because he had to pay back child support. There was $2000 in my account this week. I can only imagine he kept his license, again. I wonder how many times we are going to play this game. I need to call DHHS and tell them I am not getting my notifications. He is still behind but this helped. I paid the rent for this month and one back payment. Only 5 more to go. Ack. Now the regular bills are coming in and I am on the hot seat again wondering if I am going to make it this month. Not to mention work has been few and far between. I am owed some babysitting money so that will help. Now that there isn't a three foot snow hill up to the library I might be able to do a few hours there before it gets to cold to work. Tomorrow though I am sleeping in, putting the rest of the groceries away and then visiting a friend to go over school stuff and other things.

I got a call this week from the man I have helped the past two summers with Parkinson's. He asked if I could help again this summer. I told him I could. These EMT classes will be a real benefit. He said he is about the same. I hope so. He had a real decline from the year before. He is a real amazing guy. I have learned a lot talking with him. People really miss out from not spending time with older people. We really are just losing out on all that knowledge and experience. Well, I had better toddle off to bed now.