Our Island Family Life

Speaking of "him" I have noticed that his attention with the kids or interest level is dependent on his moods. I mean, what stage his depression is in. Now that he is no longer here it is becoming easier to see where on the spectrum he is based on his contact with them. When he was here he could hide it a little better. After all it wasn't like he didn't answer them if they talked to him directly. He might not have said much or been nasty when he was feeling bad but he answered. Even in one day he could be distant in the evening but real hands on in the morning so it seemed to even out. The stages would be something like this: somewhere deep inside I think he was feeling bad about his behavior and would seemingly suddenly be full of attention and energy and in a lot of ways over did it on doing things with them. Making up for lost time maybe? The thing is, you can't act like a creep to someone and have them grovel at your feet in thanks now that you are doing your best parent routine. This is that hard part because it takes a thick skin and a strong spine to be patient with hurt kids who rebuff your efforts. Besides the physical problem going in the brain for all this, at least for "him" there are some very cut and dry self esteem issues going on. "I'm not worthy" and "I will never amount to anything" and "I know I am as bad a dad as mine was" thing going on in his mind. Therapy would help with that but as I have said in the past he refuses to take that route. SO, he can't handle the rejection or even halfhearted participation very well. He actually expects devoted praise for his efforts and nothing short of that is acceptable. Then, he gets angry and lashes out at them, followed by hurt. He shuts himself off from them and cries and looks for validation. He finds whoever he can to tell him he is doing everything right and at least he is trying with hugs and kisses, poor you, poor you. I did this for him for a very long time. I finally had to say this is all well and good but this cycle isn't working for you or the kids. You need to try something else. He got very angry with me and if there is any blame to be passed in why he stopped loving me and found someone else than I guess I can pin this on me. I wanted him to feel better about himself as a person and parent and I wanted the kids to have a better father and I just couldn't enable this any more. I admitted I didn't know what to do but I would be supportive in helping him find one. He isn't me and shouldn't parent exactly like me. He didn't really want my support. He wanted someone to tell him what he was doing was ok. It wasn't and I couldn't honestly tell him that. So he found someone who would. Then the next phase would be the blaming. He would blame others for his failure. His alcoholic father who raised him to feel worthless. Who did not give him an example of what a good father could be. Now he blames me as well. I make the kids hate him, spread lies about him. I have no doubt either that even if he isn't voicing it he is thinking it that there is blame there toward his new wife. If it weren't for her he would still have his kids love. She's at fault for making him love her more than his kids. I am also sure he blames the kids. He has said so to my face so no questions there. He gets angry again then decides he won't do anything until they do first because it's all their fault anyway so they need to be the one to apologize. Time passes and I am not sure what the trigger is but he feels bad again. Maybe he is finally able to think clearly and is somewhat stable and he starts the cycle again by trying to be a good parent again. I think he is going into that phase again. He called Connor out of the blue last night and invited him over for the weekend. Sean hasn't spoken to any of the kids for a month, Connor hasn't had real contact since February. Connor agreed and I told Connor he had to call me tonight so I knew he had been picked up safely or I would be coming to get him personally even if I had to go to his dad's front door and legally I could have the police with me. I am not screwing around anymore with the rules. So, we'll see. Then this morning Sean emailed me about Connor (gasp! he followed the agreement) and then asked if Cade and Sofie were coming over this weekend. Had we "confirmed" this was happening? We had even discussed it so there obviously was no confirmation. I simply said I was aware of Connor's visit and he had to call me so I knew he was picked up safely. That this was my scheduled weekend with the kids so they would be staying here. I have learned a few things over time and pointing out the whole, "what the hell are you talking about?" stuff just pisses him off so I just state the order and leave it at that. I then told him how the kids were doing health wise. I didn't have to. Maybe I was screwing the guilt knife in his chest a little now that I recognize the pattern and knew it would hurt him. Am I evil? Maybe a little. Is it info he shouldn't know about? No. Keeping it from him would be protecting him and I am done with that. Cade has the fever now and pink eye. Will is just getting over a fever. I told him of the doctor's visit and what prescription Cade was using. Short but informative. I have yet to get a response. I wonder that even if Sean was to go back on his meds what kind of changes would there be? Kids can handle a lot. They don't need perfect parents but consistent ones. Even that can be worked around when effort is clearly seen. Sean has a long way to go and just having them over for a visit once and while isn't enough to even be called effort.

I need to check on Cade now...