Our Island Family Life

I am concerned about Cade. He was very upset last night. He cried for an hour and a half and in the end came away with a huge headache. He woke up with it this morning and is home now. I think he will be fine for school this afternoon. He was ok when he came home from the visit but Sean brought them home late and it was only an hour before bed time. Sean hadn't fed them and I didn't know until it was 1o minutes before bed. I am so stupid sometimes to assume he would take care of them properly. Connor hadn't eaten either but not because there wasn't food or anything. He was just being a teen. I told him he HAD to be in bed by 8pm and he HAD to eat. I am such and awful mom aren't I? I let Will stay up until 9pm if he wants but since Connor missed the boat twice for sleeping too late he has the 8pm rule. He was ok with that but he put off eating until 1o minutes before bed just like Cade. I told him he could warm up leftovers, have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich. He was all attitude. I wasn't very happy. He just kept pushing and wouldn't stop opening his mouth to have the last word. I finally told him he needed to simply eat and go to bed in silence. Connor said, "oh I can't have feelings? I can't get angry?" He was shaking and looked furious and had tears running from his eyes. I said he was entitled to feel anything he wanted to feel. I wasn't however going to be the verbal punching bag for those feelings. It is disrespectful and rude and I simply am not allowing anyone to treat me that way. Not a stranger and not from family. I said I was well aware he was trying to push my buttons even if HE wasn't and it would be best if he stopped talking if he had nothing nice to say. I told him I needed to leave the room because I was so angry it was the best thing for both of us. He was quiet after that. Cade of course was right under foot for that and was making a sandwich. He had wanted a bowl of cheese balls and I had said no. It was almost bedtime and it was an obvious no. He got mad at me and yelled and said he was hungry. That was how I found out he hadn't had dinner. I had fed Sofie earlier because she had said she was hungry and Cade was upstairs when I fed her. It didn't occur to me to ask him (duh me) if she was hungry from not having dinner because she always comes home hungry. So, anyway, I told Cade the same thing I told Connor and he chose to make a sandwich since it was too late to cook something before bedtime. He ate then went to the bathroom. He was in there for a while. Connor had gone to bed. Will had fallen asleep on the couch so I left him there. He was all cozy and I didn't want to wake him. Sofie was in the spare bed in my room quietly watching a movie. It was now 10 past 8pm. I had gotten myself together and checked on Cade. He was crying. I had him come out and got a box of tissues and had him snuggle with me. I asked him if he could tell me what was wrong. During the thing with Connor I had said something that made Cade sad. I had said to Connor that all I wanted for him was to be healthy. To have food in his stomach and to be well rested for school. I know that seemed kind of stupid to him but that was my job and if he was mad at me for it then so be it. I didn't like it and it hurt but I loved him and wanted him to be ok. Cade said it made him sad because I was willing to be hurt and put Connor first. He said he knew I loved them. I wasn't sure why that was such a sad thing but didn't say anything. Then he got real mad and said how he had a horrible weekend. How he felt that his dad had cut Will and Connor out of his life. He never talks about them, mentions them, never tells other adults they even exist when he is asked about his kids. Some adults Sean has as friends now don't even know about Will and Connor. Cade said when he got there this weekend they had finally moved the bunk beds from his room, which were supposed to be for him and his brothers, and put them in the girls room. They took out the bed Sofie used and now she shares the bunk bed with the girl. The baby is in there as well in a crib. Cade got the girls old bed but his aunt is the one who uses it. She is there during the week to babysit the baby. No daycare for them. All of his aunts things are in his room. His stuff was moved and shoved into one corner. He said he felt like they are just getting ready to kick him out completely. He has no real space of his own. He tried to talk with his dad a few times this weekend but Sean either left the house or went to the bathroom. Every time his dad left the woman said really mean things to him. Cade was upset about the attention the girl was getting this weekend. It was her birthday and he was fine with that. She got two parties. One on Friday with "family" and one on Sunday with her friends. His cousin never showed up so he was alone. She got 8 presents. One for each year. It was a tradition I guess. Cade said how next year he should get 11 then. Kathryn said no because he wouldn't be there anyway. I have no idea if he will be or not. I didn't check the calendar. His dad was right there the whole time. Cade said to them he only got 2 presents this year. He should have gotten 10 right? She told him he didn't get them because he chose not to be there. He skipped out on that weekend. Cade was furious. He said he didn't. I had to think back and I remembered that his birthday was on a Friday that he had a weekend at home with me. We went to see my mom. He didn't skip out or call to stay with me. It was just the regular schedule. Then the following weekend he was there and I ran into Sean and the kids (OUR kids) at the store that Friday and Sean got a cake for him. Cade had been worried his dad would have forgotten his birthday altogether and thought he wasn't going to get anything from him. He was happy his dad got him the two gifts and the cake. Then he saw what she was getting. The parties and all the gifts. Kathryn told him he should just deal with it since he is ten. How stupid can they be? It's not about the amount of gifts at all. Cade cried and said how his dad loves Kathryn and the girl more than him and he is his own son. His dad said he would put him first but never sticks up for him. Always believes Kathryn over him. Lets her say mean things to him and lies to his face. How every single action his dad does just proves it over and over again and how his dads words mean nothing to him anymore. He said he felt half cut out of his dad's life already. I asked him if he thought going to see his dad more often would help? He said no. He said he felt like he had hardly any family on his dad's side anymore. He said his uncle and cousin and one aunt were all he had that talked to him and understood how he felt. The others are nice to Kathryn and believe her lies and phony surface. He said he couldn't believe he was going to say this but that his dad might be too good for her. Then after a pause he said maybe his dad was getting exactly what he deserved. Whoa. I just didn't know what to say. I was kinda numb through most of it. I was really furious for some of it. I thought about wanting to call Sean and ask to sit with him face to face and talk about this. Talk with Sean's parents and ask them to be more understanding. In the end I'm not going to. I might talk with them casually in the future but I don't think it will do any good. They want to please everyone and you just can't do that. As for Sean, well, if I say anything it will make things worse. He will just do the opposite out of spite. Also, as hard as it is, Sean and Cade have to be the ones who talk to each other about this. This is their relationship for better or worse. As much as I want to be a peacemaker, as much as I want Cade to stop hurting, as much as Sean might benefit from my insight into our sons feelings it means nothing if Sean doesn't do this himself. Cade asked if he could stop going there when he was 12. I said that it was an option but he shouldn't worry about that right now. He should should just focus on the now and trying to make the best of what is sometimes a bad situation. Cade said he would but he really wanted to know if he had an out, if he didn't then he would feel really depressed. That worried me. I don't want him feeling depressed because of his dad. Cade was saying how his life sucked and how his friends all have great lives and get to go places and he never can do anything anymore because of his dad. I told him I loved him and he cried and said he knew that. Right now Cade is quiet and and playing a game. He is pretty subdued even when he seems happy. He is off but that could just be his headache. I am glad Cade has therapy this week. Not that Sean goes anymore. I better make lunch now.