Our Island Family Life

Spent a good portion of the day yesterday visiting Sean's parents so the kids could visit for the holiday. It was interesting. I am too tired, perhaps emotionally drained to include everything that went on. Everyone was happy to see us. Me included which was nice. I was a bit nervous that Sean might show up at any second since the whole family was there except one brother and his family because they live in Colorado. All his sisters, his other brother and the other two grand kids were there. Yet knowing everyone was there Sean didn't come. I learned that there have been weekends when Cade wasn't with Sean but Sofie was that Sean had brought Sofie to either his parents or had one of his sisters bring her to another sisters house. Sofie hadn't said anything to me so I never knew. Why bother taking her at all? Will had mentioned the thing I had posted about my friend and her husbands marriage announcement and that got a lot of responses. I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. Things were said like how disgusting it was and how if you get out of a long term relationship you should wait at least a year to take care of yourself and your own issues before plunging into another relationship. My mind was screaming, what about Sean? He sure has heck didn't wait a year. Not even one flippin' day. One of his sisters slid her eyes my way and smirked. She was thinking the same thing. Then of course when the kids were all occupied some questions were asked of me about how the kids were doing with their dad and everything. It was tough and I had tears in my eyes quite a few times. I never cried but I would have this really quick sick feeling in the pit of my tummy and bam...instant tears. There was no time for making a conscious choice to not cry. Both of his parents are really upset with him but I can really see the difference in how they are dealing with it. His mom is hoping he will eventually wake up. His dad on the other hand sees if he does it will be years and years before it happens and by then the damage might be too great for repair. They even got into a little argument which I squashed. His mom had said how busy Sean was. He is manic. No doubt. I can't tell them that of course since even though they hate what he is doing they can't cross that line into understanding the mental illness part. I guess he is working his ed tech job. Doing part time work as a coach. Going to school. Going to the gym. Playing in his soccer league and about half a dozen other obligations. He isn't sleeping much. One of his sisters lives with him 5 days a week and is getting an eye opener on his actions. Since in our society mania can be overlooked and even valued until you see the big picture it's really hard to tell some people how off he is. Anyway, his dad just got angry and said his busy life wasn't an excuse. He said, "Are you even listening to Amy? Sean has to make the time to be with his kids. It's so simple. It's like she said if I saw my kids only a few days a month then I would plan my life around those times so I could be with them. They need their father." She agreed and said she didn't mean to imply (but maybe she did) that Sean being busy should be an excuse. She just meant she hoped that when things settled some he would be able to see what he was doing more clearly. I said she had said the same thing about when he finished his two year program. I told them there will always be another reason and another excuse for him. He makes himself busy to not face the reality of his life. The fact of the matter is that right now he has his own life and we have ours and our kids are not a part of his new life. His dad was very sad you could see. He is very proud of the kids and how amazing and grown up they are despite everything. He was sad that Sean was just missing everything. His mom then said she agreed with me and said that the few times they have been to visit him when the kids (Cade and Sofie) were there she could see that. She could see Cade struggling and that they treated Sofie well as far as she could see but Cade was treated more like a tolerated guest and not family. His dad said he was not pleased to see how Kathryn treated Sofie. He said the kids would fight as kids do but instead of talking to them both about their actions she would track Sofie down and make her apologize to her daughter every time while her own child never was scolded at all. He said he would be thinking "what are you doing?" Then his mom said that she saw Sean being very harsh with the girl. I told her I felt that was because he didn't really like her. Sean says he wants them to be a integrated family but then tells Cade that the girl is stupid and an idiot. How is that fostering a healthy family? They both shook their heads. I told them I used to talk to Sean about the abuse the girl was doing to Sofie but when ever I say anything any more it makes things worse for the kids so I stopped. So until the day Sofie comes home with broken bones there is little I can do. I said I did hear the girl was in therapy. They said she is and then his dad said it was obvious that girl needed it. I said it was a shame any of the kids were in therapy. The sole reason for it was because of selfish adult actions. They asked me how I was doing it. Keeping everything going and keeping the kids stable. I said therapy was one thing. I told them Sean was now too busy to come and as a result our sessions ended and he no longer comes to Cade's. I told them what we were working on in sessions. His mom asked if Will and Sean could meet in a session to break the ice for them and I told her the offer was made a long time ago and Sean "didn't have the time". Also Sean spoke with Will's counselor and got angry and never talked to her again. So, Will has made offers, visited with him for 6 months, gave him three chances and told him what Will needs to move forward. Sean hasn't taken Will up on anything. Will has set limits and boundaries and what he needs and that is not him being stubborn it's being honest. If anything he has been more than open when he was at his angriest. Now he is simply resigned and has accepted his fathers current limitations. It takes two people to move forward in a relationship and if Sean wants this he has to do something. His mom said Will has a right to have a father and Will should fight for it. I said I agreed and that Will has. I said Sean has a right to have his son and he should fight for it as well but does he? Has he? The bottom line is that there has been a severe breach of trust between them and the only way for it have a chance to be repaired is for Sean to show consistency and stability in his actions and not with words and empty promises with Will. Sean's dad agreed completely. He said one big thing he had dealt with in his own therapy is when he was told that the harder he fought to not be like his dad the more like him he became. He said when he looks at Sean he sees himself. He knows Sean isn't even close to doing what he needs to do for himself or the kids. He sees him just talking the talk but it is hollow and he lies to himself. He said he has tried to talk with him but Sean evades him. He said when he was told that in therapy he didn't understand it at all. It took a long time for him to understand and to stop blaming others for his mistakes and his unhappiness. He sees Sean blaming others. His mom said she did too. He is still blaming his dad and now me. They said how much of a shame it was he was doing this to me. I shrugged. There is nothing I can do about it. It is a shame. It sucks. I have empathy for him. It's sad but the longer he is away from us the more it is an empathy for anyone who is ruining their lives and not for someone I love. I told them I let the kids cry and vent and tell them I love them but sometimes that makes it worse. To see how one parent loves them and struggles and protects them and they can't help but compare even when I don't say anything. I told them we are still trying to find a new normal. His mom said how it's been a while. I told her not really. I have only been divorced a year. The time we were separated I had hope. Not to mention it is a full time job dealing with issues that should be resolved. I have to deal with child support issues. She asked what I meant. I said I have to deal with DHHS to collect child support because Sean isn't consistent (I tried to be tactful) I also have upcoming court issues that deal with contempt and taxes and it is a lot of stress. I said basically that again the bottom line is I do everything for the kids. I am alone. Sean does nothing to support them in any capacity. Even with the child support I don't feel he should get credit for that because I am the one doing all the work to make sure it's even paid. It isn't child support it is money I earned for them. As for emotional support, that's obvious. He does nothing for them school wise, no talks about religion, nothing, nada, zip. It's scary knowing that how your kids turn out is because of you. I think I am doing ok. I could be like Sean though and just blame all their faults on him right....ha.