Our Island Family Life: August 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

So freakin' funny

0 comments Posted by perphila at 4:54 PM

I worked today at the library something I have done with the same exact hours since Sean was living here for the past seven years. Hours Sean knows about and has known for those same seven years. I was babysitting and after I got the little ones settled for a nap I asked Will (who came home on the noon boat) to check the phone messages. He said there was one from a doctors office and two from Sean. I checked and the first was from Connor's counselors office confirming his session for tomorrow at 10am. I was pleased to see Sean did not cancel it again. Then I listened to Sean's message. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He was talking about us having a co-parenting counseling session for tomorrow at......10am. I thought he had to be kidding. Then he went on giving me the name of the counselor and how he hadn't met her yet either and how he knew I was concerned about him meeting someone before me but he didn't think it should be an issue since he hadn't met her either. Well, here's the rub. One, I am going to go to Connor's session which I told Connor about, emailed Sean about and emailed my lawyer about. If they don't show up then I will talk to the lawyer about having Sean removed from making medical decisions for Connor. Also, Connor has not called me like he said he would after our last conversation and both he and Sean know about his physical as well. If they don't show for that either it's only more evidence for me. Second, because I spoke with counselors at the place Sean wants us to go to I am well aware (little does he know) that this session is not co-parenting. This is for Sean, Kathryn and Regan. I have no doubt that this person he told me about would want to see him first since this case is opened up under his name. I also know that any co-parenting sessions haven't even been considered yet. Still, he tells me we have a session tomorrow at 10am. He calls me while I am at work and he knows I check my messages maybe once a week. I only checked today because I was expecting one from a lady here on the island. No emails from him which is our main communication that we agreed upon from the last time we were in co-parenting counseling. I saw him yesterday and he didn't say anything to me about it. The day before thing just doesn't cut it. Most importantly he knew well in advance about Connor's appointment. I told him the day I made it. He never responded. Here is me making a big change. Before I would have reminded him. Before I would have emailed and asked if he had gotten my first email. Before I would have emailed or called back today and explained about Connor's session and could Sean reschedule yada yada. Not this time. This is Sean's mess from his disorganized mind and he will have to pay the consequences. I can not be his mother and wife anymore. I will go to Connor's appointment tomorrow. I will also call the person Sean told me about tomorrow (they are closed now) and get the record straight on co-parenting and my level if involvement. Sean is just not capable of keeping me in the loop without lying and/or exaggerating. I will make my own connection. If there was really an appointment scheduled for me there I would have gotten a phone call and I didn't. So, after that is all done then I will email Sean about what's going on and forward all of it to the lawyer. I can not be running around cleaning up his messes anymore or covering for his mistakes. I am just not going to do it. Nor am I going to waste my time and my life showing up for stuff that has nothing to do with me. As it is I am going to lose a whole day of work for Connor tomorrow. I am not going to be mad if he doesn't show because I can do the grocery shopping but I will be very disappointed in Connor. So we'll see how the day goes....

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Death warmed over

0 comments Posted by perphila at 7:59 AM

Yesterday was not so bad. I was able to get a lot of my house cleaned. I was going to go help cook at a wedding but I got a phone call I had to take and between call backs and being on hold for this and that I was playing phone tag from about 1pm until at little after 3pm. I felt awful for missing the wedding but I had to take the calls since they were busy work for the university so I can get my books sent to me and stuff like that. I worked at home (the kids rooms upstairs was just awful) and I made myself stop at 4pm and have fun time for me. I watched a few things online and made myself a meal just for me. Will had a friend over so they were out fishing and I was by myself for a few hours. I can not remember when the last time that has happened. I was going to stay up past my normal bedtime but couldn't, I was too sleepy. Good thing because I woke up many times last night. First with a stomach ache then that went away only to morph into a sneezing fit/runny nose thing. I took some anti allergy stuff this morning. I hope it works. I have to go clean windows for someone today and take trash out at a couple of other places before I walk home with the kids from the dock. Will has tomorrow off and is spending the night in town with friends. He doesn't get to do stuff with his friends much so he is pretty happy about it. I will try and take it easy today though as much as possible. I start babysitting again starting tomorrow. I feel better knowing I will have that job even if it's week by week to figure out the hours. I have been taking Sofie with me to the library so I will try taking both of them tomorrow for story hour. We'll see how he does. He gets a little excited. I know now Sofie will sit through the whole thing and do a poem. Well, I had better get some breakfast and start the day.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Lucky Me

2 comments Posted by perphila at 6:36 AM

Went to town yesterday to drop off the kids. Everything went rather smoothly. Sean was late of course but the kids and I knew he would be. Cade was a little worried what would happen if his dad didn't show up. It's little things like that I find bother me a lot because it shows how much Cade worries. We have dealt with this for years now and I keep telling Cade the same thing over and over again but he just keeps asking. I have told him repeatedly if his dad is so late I risk missing the boat home (which is the last boat of the day and I would be stuck in town) that we just all get back on the boat and go home. No big deal. He gets concerned if his dad will get mad at me because of it. I tell him I can't leave them alone in the city without a parent and dad would understand that and if he wants his time with them he will come out to the island the next day to get them. Again, no big deal. In reality Sean probably would be angry and after I remind him of what a bad idea it would be to leave them alone at the bay lines waiting for him he would calm down. Then of course he would ask ME to bring them in again which I would have done in the past but no longer. Which again would make him mad. Oh well.

Anyway, it was five minutes until the boat was to leave and they were boarding when he showed up. I wasn't freaking out like in the past because I have a plan now of what I will do and that makes me quite calm. He gave me an envelope and they left. I had emailed him Thursday about Connor and the weekend and no response. Yesterday I emailed again and asked him if he could bring the check he was supposed to replace for dental bills I had to send back to him. I reminded him it had been weeks now since I sent it and he could save on a stamp. Since he is so poor I though he would want to save on that 44 cents....:) He didn't respond but I guess he got the email because there was a check in the envelope. The one I got before from Kathryn was for $300, the one from Sean was for $249. I have no idea why it was less or such an odd number. I will have to go back over my records and figure out the exact amount he owes again. What a pain. So I am walking to the ferry when I ran into a guy who lives on the island here and has his own boat. He asked me if I wanted a ride instead of the ferry and I agreed. I saw another summer couple were going with him (his cousins) and another year round guy and his daughter. Nice, I thought. I knew it was a lobster boat and it would be kind of messy but I have gone back with the guy before and I wasn't bothered by it. I was surprised to see he had a full load of bait this time. Usually coming back in the late afternoon or evening from the city he is out of bait. So, the smell was...ripe. Lucky me. I knew once we were out though the wind would blow the scent away...lucky me...:) We get going and I realize he has had a few drinks. This guy I have mentioned before is bi-polar and has been doing well for a while. He used to be a real heavy drinker and it took years to figure out he was bi-polar and more than just depressed or an angry drunk. I haven't spoken to his wife about it in a while so I have no idea if he has been taking his meds and I knew he would take a drink or two but I could see this was going to be an interesting ride. We weren't even out of the harbor and we came alongside a ferry filled with charter people going to another island for a function and he was all "look at me" with his arms out stretched and he had a beer. He threw the can overboard when he was done and thumped his chest and the people on the ferry booed him for littering, shaking their heads and stuff. Lucky me. I was trying to look for the positives here. I saved $11.50 for a ticket. I would be home 45 minutes early, hopefully. The ocean was nice, the day was clear, I was chatting with people I knew. Lucky me. Then our chat was stalled when he heard the guy start yelling. He had been talking to his cousin and I have no idea why she started talking politics but that set him off. He was yelling and swearing and violently moving around. He was mad at the "politicians" though and none of us. I now know he, "G**D*** F****** hates" them and wants to hurt them for taking "his" money. Lucky me. This went on for about 20 minutes. We were getting closer to home and he started to head out to sea and we had to remind him to turn toward our island. Can after can went over board and I lost count at six. I knew he did it so he wife wouldn't be able to count how many he had. She would know he was drunk of course but not exactly how much. At this point I was kind of certain he hadn't taken his meds in a while...lucky me. We had to remind him again to turn towards the dock and again to stop before he hit the rocks when he was trying to tie up to the float. Hey, by then we were close enough to swim. 60 degrees isn't to bad for water temps. He got us there though safe and sound. It had been quite the ride. His cousins thought it was quite funny and I am sure just another story to tell of the crusty lobsterman. Idiots. I had to crawl off the boat since the boat wasn't tied off quite close enough and I got god knows what on my pants. Lucky me. Then, since I was half and hour early my ride wasn't there and I had to walk home. Lucky me. Oh well. I saved some money and got home early. On top of that I was reminded again of how different people have different behavior with bipolar. Not everyone is the same and knowing it and seeing it are two different things. Sean is very different in how he acts. Much sneakier, and his angry explosions are shorter. Since he isn't a big drinker I am sure he has fewer of them because of that. He is slowly drinking more and more as time goes by. I am sure by his 40's he will be a big drinker but for now he is still working his way up. Again, lucky me.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Nervous and feeling it

3 comments Posted by perphila at 7:05 AM

Had trouble sleeping last night. I think it's because I am now enrolled in college. I want to puke. I know it is a good thing for me and my life. I found a place I do everything online which fits my life with the kids best and is a good balance between the kids, school and working part time or even full time here during the winter. Not that I even know if I will be able to babysit this winter. I might see about finishing the cataloging at the library until it gets too cold a few hours a day. That whole stress is worrisome. I got a grant that will pay for my first semester and half of the second. I can now look for scholarships but I do have a loan in place as back up. That of course nearly killed me. I hope I can find more...still, I am less excited about it and more feeling like I bit off more than I can chew even though I am only going to take two classes. I start next month. After my court stuff thank god.

Anyway, I had many dreams last night. Dreams I am sure were manifesting from all my knotted nerves. I was at Sean's parents house and there was this guy there, I didn't recognize him but maybe he was meant to represent Sean. He seemed normal but he wasn't. He turned out to be like a Dr. Jekell/Mr. Hyde guy. More Hyde the Jekell since he was Hyde most of the dream except the beginning. I had two brothers in the dream. I was a male in this dream and I wonder if if this was in some way meant to be symbolize Sean and his two brothers with me filling the Sean slot. I was the youngest however not the oldest like Sean and the weakest. Maybe that was my brain's way of making me female? Anyway, Hyde was fast, strong and brutal. I was always just able to keep out of his clutches but barely. The brothers tried to fight him off but he was too strong but they slowed him down enough for me to run. He was almost normal once and told us to find some seed that could be made to calm the beast and I said I would get it since I was the weakest in fighting and would be better to search but he didn't want to let me go. He turned then and threw the brothers off. I ran to the woods and climbed a tree and jumped from tree to tree to keep him at bay. He got to the top with me on one and I distracted him by pointing to another tree that had something caught in it's branches. These trees were by the house and it looked like someone had thrown handmade knitted baby blankets on it. Weird but whatever. I told him to reach for it and I swayed the tree back and forth and we rocked like a swing slowly. It was very relaxing but with each rock we got closer and closer and I remember thinking I could see the end coming when he will have gotten all three blankets and then he would be back to trying to kill me. Still, even with this dangerous, powerful, insane killer next to me, the here and now rocking was very nice and I would have liked it to have lasted. Then the blankets were gone, he turned to look at me and I hopped away just as he lunged for me and he fell. It didn't stop him though and I saw the ocean from the tree top and took off for it. I knew if I could get to sea he couldn't find me because he wouldn't be able to smell me. He climbed back up no worse for wear (like a zombie that never dies) and chased me. I dove in from the last tree but he could still get me if he could see me. He didn't for some reason and I got on a boat and sped off. I hated the fact in order to live I would have to change my whole life and lose my freedom by staying at sea or only go on land for short periods on far away shores. The risk to my life was too great. I knew I would have a good life this way though even though I had to give up so much of what I was used to and loved. I would be alive which is a big plus and I would be doing something new and exciting but it wasn't my choice. I kept wanting to go back to be with my family but couldn't. He would always be there, waiting for me, wanting to kill me. If I found someone new to be by my side he would smell me on them and try to kill them too. I could never go back and have the life I wanted no matter how good the new one was going to be.

So here I am now, I have barely slept, I have a headache, I nearly threw up this morning from stress, I have to go to work soon so I am trying to eat slowly so I don't puke. I have to take Cade and Sofie into town and see Sean today. I emailed him this morning and asked him to bring the replacement check for dental bills he should have given me two weeks ago. He never responded to the email I sent yesterday about Connor. I almost hope he cancels the appointment so I can try and have him removed from making medical decisions for Connor. I really doubt they will like Connor living with Sean full time if the court agrees to that. I am so tired. So very very tired.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day Off?

3 comments Posted by perphila at 1:33 PM

So, I am feeling super tense. I was feeling really good yesterday. It was raining and I cleaned up most of the afternoon after I came home from a public meeting for the school and working at the library. I made a nice dinner and watched some cartoons with Sofie and snuggled up in bed. I wish it was raining again today. Cade and Sofie have been snipping at each other all morning. It's like they knew I didn't have to "work" today and saved it up to take out on me. I had been hoping to get some busy paperwork done today. I did get some done but breaking up a fight every five minutes is making me quite punchy myself. I was able to finally schedule an appointment for Connor for next week. I emailed Sean about it and called Connor. He actually spoke to me! He was all sullen and broody. I asked him if he was mad at me and he asked me why I thought that. I told him since I have called him and he hasn't returned my calls or called me or come home in almost two weeks that was a pretty big clue. He didn't say he was mad or not. I asked him when he was coming home and he said he didn't know. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing. (scream) So I just started rambling about what I was up to and what we were doing here and he finally started laughing. He then told me some stuff about what he had been doing and his plans to see one of his friends this weekend. He would be on another island and not with his dad. Of course that would mean he would be going another week without seeing Cade and Sofie. I told him about the new appointment and he sounded annoyed. He wasn't thrilled his physical was coming up either. Oh well. Then I emailed my lawyer and let him know of all the latest counseling developments.

At the moment I am filling out some paper work for college classes I can take starting next month. It would be online and I spent a while gathering financial stuff. If I can do the online class stuff while Sofie is in school in the morning then be able to babysit in the afternoons it might all work out. It's all tentative at this point. Wish me luck...and patience...:)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Back into the money pit

0 comments Posted by perphila at 7:45 AM

I have no money coming in again. Lovely. Summer is pretty much over here. I have a few last cleaning jobs to finish up and about $350 heading my way then nada. I don't even know if I will be able to babysit anymore thanks to Connor and his bailing out on me this summer.

Speaking of Connor, Cade had his session yesterday and I had another chat with his counselor. I guess she has called Sean 4 times with no response and has decided not to call him back again and leave it up to him. If he doesn't get his way he drops off the face of the earth. I told her again how I face the same communication problems with him and I know that it would be in the kids best interest to have better communication with their father but she can see the problem I am facing. She said how in the conversations she has had with Sean how it seems as if Connor is now taking Sean's side in things. I wanted to scream. I told her how I didn't feel that there were sides in this and Sean is making it turn out this way. I explained to her how in Sean's complaint to the court his claims of Cade stealing and the negative atmosphere I am supposedly creating and the bashing of him that is going on and she was incredulous. She asked me how he was going to prove that. I told her I didn't know but I had pretty big fears Connor would be brought to court to back his dad up since most of the stuff Sean was saying Sean said he heard from Connor in the first place. Connor of course will say whatever he can to make what Connor wants to happen. Since Connor wants to live in town to be near his girlfriend and to live where he has no responsibilities than he will have no problem lying to do it. Cade doesn't tell her anything about me being negative etc. I told her Connor behavior is like his fathers in the sense that he will say what he thinks people want to hear. Such as in Cade's sessions Sean agreed to drop the whole money/stealing issue but in court with me it is a major point that he has to "negate this pattern of behavior". If this was such a huge issue then wouldn't it have been vital to discuss this in therapy? I know some kids think there are sides to divorce. One parent over another and all that stuff. ( I personally never felt that way) I have always told the kids there isn't a side to this and that as angry as they were with their dad at the time to be angry at the behavior not the person and tried to explain their dad's mental illness to give them compassion but not a free pass for his actions. Connor views all of that as me bashing his dad. When his brothers and sister are upset about their dad and vent or complain he thinks they shouldn't and them talking to me about it equals bashing sessions. He is one seriously messed up kid if I do say so myself. Love him but want to yank my hair out at the roots to get him to understand stuff. I left Cade's cell phone at home yesterday so I wasn't able to call Connor's counselor to set up another session. I was so mad at myself for forgetting it. I will try again today.

I better get ready for the library. I already got paid for the work so I better show up...:)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just Toast Please...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 8:33 AM

I knew I was in for a long night when Cade told me his tummy hurt around 8pm last night. Sure enough he was throwing up and other things all night long. I am still doing laundry. Even Sofie and can get it in the bucket....is it a male thing? Anyway, Will is home to keep and eye on him while I go to my two cleaning jobs today. No fever and he seems to have stopped with the out going fluids stuff. I am just finishing off breakfast and then I will get going. I still have stomach pains myself but it is getting better. What a strange virus. I am pretty much still living off toast, soup and ginger ale. I can't wait to get back to normal. I hope Will and Sofie stay healthy.

Still no word from Sean or Connor. I am really starting to get angry with Connor. He is ignoring me now. I haven't done anything to him for him to act this way to me. I don't blame Sean at all. Connor is the one who knows better. *sigh*

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sleepy

0 comments Posted by perphila at 11:20 AM

It took all I had to roll out of bed this morning. I'm at work now and about to go to my second job. Sofie is with me and is watching the guys outside build the new steps the library. She is sitting on the bench quietly and just in awe. The guys think she is very funny and cute.

My stomach still hurts but sharp pains I can deal with. As long as I am not throwing up I am good. I have two cleaning jobs for tomorrow but I am going to try and take it easy. I do feel a little in the clouds but I can blame that on benedryl...:)

I am still feeling stressed. Mostly because my house is a wreak from me not doing anything for two days. The boys help but it's just not enough. No word from Sean in response to my email on Monday or from the lawyer to him. What a shock...the "if you ignore the problem it will go away" way of thinking. I can only imagine where Connor gets it from? I don't answer emails if Sean is being abusive but other than that answer everything. It feels SO good to have the co-parenting therapy set up off my shoulders. I tried, I really did but now I will have to wait and see. That in itself is a little stressful but less so than having all the responsibility on my shoulders. I am looking forward to my own therapy next week and Cade's. I will call on Monday to arrange something for Connor. If Sean cancels it again then the court will frown on him and any plans he had of having Connor full time will be out the window.

Guess I had better close up shop for the day.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Ughhh...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 3:11 PM

Day two and 1/2 of my stomach killing me. I am so very glad there was no court today. I would have been a total wreak. I was up at three am throwing up and have been in and out of sleep all day. Yesterday evening I thought I was getting better since I had stopped going to the bathroom every hour but oh no.....I was just going from bottom to top as it were. I have no idea where this came from. No one else is sick. Is it all stress related? Who knows. I have barely eaten anything in almost 4 days and even fluids make my stomach clench in pain. I drink anyway. No way I wanna get dehydrated. I am crabby as heck though. I am just glad the kids are able to entertain themselves. When I feel ok I try and do a little and spend some time talk with them. I missed work anyway today at the library which I feel awful about. I had Cade call when I realized I just wouldn't be able to make it. I was dressed and ready to go then I got sick again. After that I forced myself to rest. I just feel terrible to not be doing something around here...I need some ginger ale.

Connor still hasn't called. I guess I might try tonight. I feel so bad right now though I might do it tomorrow. Going for days at a time not talking to my kids is not something I like.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Finally!

1 comments Posted by perphila at 10:54 AM

Got word from the lawyer. Tomorrow's court date is canceled. Finally something went my way. I am in shock. The lawyer thought my email to Sean outlining Connor's problems and our need to address them in therapy was great. He said he will be responding to Sean's email (since he cc'd it to him) soon. I wonder how Sean will handle it?

Guilt and Limits

2 comments Posted by perphila at 8:26 AM

So, it's been a few days. Drama still unfolding and I can feel it. I was planning on cleaning two houses today. A much slower pace now that my nursing/aide job is over for the season. Last night though I got a tummy ache and I still have it. Being close to a bathroom is, I think, the wise choice for the day. Stress? I know I haven't been eating much. Who knows at this point.

So, Sean went to the session on Monday. I called the place on Monday from Cade's cell phone and had to leave another message about wanting to cancel and reschedule. I left the cell number because I wasn't going to be home until around 5pm. No call back. I checked my messages when I got home and they had called saying since the case was opened up under Sean's name I couldn't cancel or reschedule. I would have to ask him to do it. Of course by then it was to late. Cade came home that night and told me his dad went there because Sean brought him and Cade saw his counselor briefly in passing and said hi. Sean had picked Cade up from his parents since he was in the area for his new tutoring job anyway. I will have to call DHS about that. We went to town the next day (Tuesday) and I was not pleased. I talked with Cade's counselor about it and she was confused. She said she didn't think anything had been set up as far as co-parenting counseling was concerned. She said she had referred Sean to the intake department because he said he wanted counseling for him and Kathryn and Ragan. I said that was fine and none of my concern. That is his life not mine. My issue was he called me and emailed me asking if I would be there and that it was about co-parenting. I explained to her my concerns and she told me she had talked to her supervisor about this and that everyone involved did not want to see a bunch of therapists in the mix to make things confusing. Sean was supposed to be going slow and doing things step by step. Which he wasn't in several areas including Cade (more on that later). So she called the intake while I was there and come to find out the intake session was just for him. I did not need to be there at all. It was about why he wants counseling for his family and it had nothing what so ever to do with co-parenting. I wanted to kick myself for falling into his damn stall tactics again. At least I went and asked for information. I wanted outside confirmation of things and I don't just take his word blindly like I used to. I still see that I want to. I tend to take his word at first blush but then I think, oh, wait a minute I need to check this out. That fact I have to do that for everything is tiring. As for Cade, Sean solved his problem of being in two places at once by leaving the kids with his parents. Why he even bothered to have them in the first place boggles my mind but what ever. His problem not mine. He did spend some time with them in Friday anyway and during that time again insisted to Cade he have Kathryn come into his next session. Sean said he wanted Cade and Kathryn to have a better relationship and how he was concerned how Cade must be upset with her ignoring him. Cade told him she could come next week. He was tired of repeating himself with his dad. He knew he dad would keep insisting until Cade caved and that he wasn't listening to what Cade wanted. Cade told me about this just before his session on Tuesday and during my alone time with his counselor I told her about it. She was not pleased. She had already told Sean that Kathryn was not going to be allowed into sessions until one, she meets with Kathryn first and two until Cade tells her she is ok with it. I just said she should be expecting Sean to think since Cade said yes to next week for this to be a done deal and so I was just letting her know. I told her I wanted out of the loop on this and as far as I was concerned this was between Cade and his dad. I did say that I felt Sean was trying to push Kathryn on Cade and vise versa. I think Sean thought once he was with her that they would all be one happy family and things are not turning out the way his delusional mind thought they would. If things don't work out they way he wants he will have to start seeing the bad choices he made and that he hurt his kids and of course he doesn't want to face that. He can't make the two of them like each other if they don't. It has to be up to them. Therapy might help but it can't be rushed or pushed. The counselor says she feels like Sean has some real organizational issues and seems to be wanting everything to be happening at once. Even though he has been told repeatedly she is the one making the clinical decisions and that things need to go one step at a time. I told her I didn't know if he was feeling pressure from Kathryn or financial ones or the court process but I have had to learn not to dwell much on that kind of stuff. More than likely he is slightly manic. His life is like waves. Nothing happens for a while then everything at once with a big crash. We are getting to crash level and all I want is for Cade to be out of it. Obviously things are not going hunky dory at home for him if he feels he needs therapy for him and Kathryn. Whoopie! I say. She said part of the problem she is having is that Sean calls her and leaves messages which she returns but never gets to speak with him. She tries to call him and has to leaves messages that he doesn't return. She doesn't want to be in the middle of us or having Cade being a middle man passing stuff back and forth because it is stressful to him. I agreed and that is why I don't ask him about stuff that goes on over there because I don't want Sean thinking this is ok. As for Sean and I communicating I told her I have the same problem she is experiencing. I have had to try and figure out all by myself how to share information and I took up a huge burden of doing everything. I was making myself ill from it and I have had to back off and that does lead to a smaller exchange of info but it will take time for Sean to see I will stay firm and not do everything. I hope that even though it will rough short term this will be good for the kids long term. It has been a long process and I have had to face a lot of anger from Sean about it since he still expects me to do everything but he has to be a parent too. She agreed he could be calling doctors and schools as well. Things like that. I felt better after leaving though because I now know what's going on for the co-parenting piece. Nothing. It is still in Sean's hands. I will call the intake soon and double check that if something does get scheduled for that I will be fully informed through them and when I am available but I will not set it up myself.

I am expecting a call today from the lawyer. He is going to confirm that Friday's court date is canceled. I talked with him yesterday to see if it was canceled and he said there was a paper snafu with the court and the magistrate but what they did know for sure was Sean did not object to the cancelation so all it needs the magistrates stamp of approval but he was sure it would be. I will be a little queasy until I know for sure but I feel good about it. I also told him I sent him and email. Why? Well, that was stress number one billion for this week. Connor had a session scheduled for Wednesday at 11am. It was the one I had rescheduled from last week because Connor didn't want to get up to make the 9am one. I should have made him go but as I said before, if I did how responsive would he have been? Connor was supposed to come home Tuesday night (he promised) and we would go from there. I hadn't heard from him in a few days and I had left a message for him to call me and reminded him he had promised to call but hadn't. I called again on Tuesday afternoon to see which boat he was coming home on. Sean answered the phone and said he was in the car and Connor wasn't there. They don't have a home phone only cells. I asked Sean what boat Connor was coming home on and he said he knew nothing about it. He said he was taking Connor to his session on Wednesday. I told him that was fine if he did but Connor promised to come home and I wanted to talk to him. He had promised to call as well and didn't. Sean said he would tell him. The way he said it I knew he wouldn't. I told Sean he needed to hand the phone to Connor because my trust level with Connor was pretty low. He is breaking promises to me and I want an explanation. Sean said ok and I hung up. Connor never called or bothered coming home. The next morning Sean sent me and email saying he canceled the therapy appointment. He said Connor's counselor said Connor didn't need to go back since Connor had made his choice to live with Sean in a well thought out manner. I was furious. Connor wants to live with Sean to get out of chores, work, homework, being polite and other responsibilities such as his volunteer time to ACE, also to see his girlfriend who is rumored to be using drugs which also was something I wanted to discuss as well as how Connor has been treating his siblings. I wanted Sean to see the big picture and not just the spin Connor was creating to pit the two of us against one another. I emailed all of this to Sean as well as the fact he shouldn't have canceled the appointment without discussing it with me first or I could have told him all of this. Sean then went on to say Connor doesn't call me or visit because I am being to confrontational. (insert scream here) That I should be more supportive of this transition. I pointed out that first of all this is not a done deal. Connor's time there is a trial and him not coming home regularly is showing how much this trial is failing. Second the real test isn't the summer time but during school when Connor has to get up before 10am and has to do homework and to look out for the winter depression. I informed Sean I was going to seek one week with Connor being with Sean and one with me along with therapy as part of the deal. I didn't say it but Connor's behavior is getting more and more like Sean and I am scared to death he might be heading down the bi-polar path. Sean had cc'd his email to me about canceling the appointment to my lawyer. Which is funny since part of the problem he said he had with me was claiming I took the kids out of therapy without telling him and that they all needed it. If that is true then why did he take Connor out? I told Sean I was going to reschedule an appointment and I would tell Connor when it would be. I feel like I should just throw in the towel sometimes with Connor. Seeing his dad more is fine with me. Living with someone who only wants to act like Connor's best friend and not a parent I have issues with. Connor needs a constant eye and strict supervision and Sean just isn't up for that. I need to think about Connor's best interest and him being with someone who isn't even dealing with his own mental issues much less on the look out for Connor's scares me. I tried all the compromises I could think of but in the end Connor needs structure and the coming and going as he sees fit is not a good thing for him.

So, that has been my crap for the week. Guilt for wishing Connor didn't exist sometimes. Still struggling with what my limits and boundaries should be. Riding the rising tide of mania...gotta love it.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Underhanded

0 comments Posted by perphila at 6:20 PM

It's almost time to pick up Sofie. Instead of spending the weekend with their dad Sean picked them up then dropped them off with his parents so he could spend more time with Connor and they went to a metal concert. Cade called me today and told me and asked to stay another day with his grandparents. So he will be home tomorrow. Not long after that Sean called me and asked me if I knew Cade was going to be over there. I like how he didn't ask if it was ok or anything, his parents either. I might have had plans. I let it go though since CADE called and asked. At least the 10 year old is responsible. Anyway, then Sean asked me, "Will you be there tomorrow?" I had no clue what he was talking about. He asked me if I got his email. I had checked several times today and there was nothing there and told him so. He acted like how odd that was then told me he set up an intake session at community counseling for us but it wasn't important I was there and he would try and schedule sessions for Tuesday next time. I checked the email a little later and saw he sent me a one line message about the session and that even though I didn't have to be there they said it would be preferable. I know from experience with that place that it takes weeks to even get in so he had to have done this a while ago and never told me. He also knows that Tuesdays are the day I can come in. I have told him that many times and he shouldn't have accepted a Monday appointment. I called them even though it is Sunday and left a message with their intake department an told them how I was only informed of tomorrows session today and could not make it on such short notice. I asked if it could be rescheduled for a time I could be there since I want to fully be part of the process from the beginning. I told them the times I am available and left my number. I hope the session tomorrow is canceled and they call me back because if it isn't I will not be happy or feel very much trust for being there is things are set up and said behind my back. I also told them I would be there on Tuesday morning to discuss anything for a session for our son. We'll see. I will tell the lawyer all about this when I talk to him next week. I am not saying no just that I want to be there from the get go and the way this is being handled is doing nothing for my ability to feel comfortable or is it instilling trust in the place or Sean. I was not even notified by them. I always got a call for any of the kids sessions and for our earlier co-parenting sessions.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Good News..maybe

1 comments Posted by perphila at 6:17 AM

In the mornings I need time. I am still getting queasy but not as bad as a few days ago. I need time for my tummy to settle, time to eat slowly, time to myself, time to figure out my day and relax before I jump into the fray.

I hate getting up early but I love having that time. Not to mention it takes about a good half hour for my nose to stop running every morning. Allergies? I have no clue. Anyway, I dropped the kids off (Cade and Sofie) yesterday and was able to polish off my latest book on the ferry ride home. It was SO sweet and funny. I can't recommend it enough. Cotillion by Georgette Heyer. My wits must have been dull to not have seen the ending coming sooner than I did. I was very pleased and for a while a bit scared the heroine would make a VERY bad choice. I can only imagine how the "hero" felt. He is totally not a hero but he is an everyday hero and really, in real life that's the kind of guy you want.

I was feeling very good about the ending which perked me up considerably. I then got a call from my lawyer which only heightened my mood. He called the court to see why we hadn't gotten word about next Friday and was told the reason was because Sean never answered the court about the cancellation. So, the judge seeing the case was out Friday but would be back on Monday and she would make a decision and he would let me know by Tuesday if we are going or not. Seeing as how Sean is now no longer in a position to object it is looking like Friday's court date about the child support will be canceled. One can only hope. As for the co-parenting therapy (which btw my own therapist thinks is something Sean can not do) I told him about Sean taking Connor to the concert in Boston and the costs etc verses the money arguement for not going to therapy he said Sean not going only looks bad for him. I told him I was going to email Sean and tell him as far as that subject goes I have done my part and if he is committed to going he can set something up with community counseling but we will be taking a gamble on who we will be getting. The lawyer said that sounded like a good plan and that I have done enough running around and it is only fair Sean take a turn. My therapist said the same thing so I feel a little less guilty about it all. Again, is this my responsibility? I tried to set something up, Sean said no, his turn. Right?

I was also pleased I was able to get a cleaning job done yesterday (with Sofie no less) in only three hours and was able to easily catch the boat on time. The lady was impressed as well and said I performed a miracle. I have to agree since her son was there most of the time and....oh my goodness. The lady is so super nice. Her kids? I can't even begin on the yelling, fighting, rudeness...oh...I did not want Sofie there but I made her stick to me like glue and she was amazing. She did everything I asked, never got upset, answered me the first time, didn't cry or whine, listened. I was shocked she didn't have at least one problem in three hours but she didn't. I think she was a little stunned at the two kids behaviors. As much as I like the money I am glad that job is almost done for the summer.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Suspicion

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:27 AM

Got a response. (I am at job number 2 btw) Sean said he will be bringing the kids back on Sunday on the 7pm ferry and he will let me know if it changes. I am deeply suspicious. I think he may conveniently "miss the boat" on Sunday and bring the kids back on Monday. We'll see. Also, called my lawyer today. I am waiting for a call back (I have Cade's cell phone with me) to find out about the court date next Friday. They are rechecking to see if it is still on or not. If it is then I will have to go in for a meeting with him next Wednesday. Missing another day of work I might add, plus Connor is scheduled for therapy that day. Cade is scheduled for Tuesday. So I may have to go in town three days next week. Wonderful.

At least the weather is nice.

Is this my responsibility?

1 comments Posted by perphila at 5:39 AM

It was still a long day yesterday. As I was dropping Sofie off my friend said to me, "Have some fun in town." I am sure I looked blank because she laughed and I said, "I didn't schedule "fun" in for today." I took her advice though and dropped into my favorite used paperback store and picked up 3 books. I had some credit left from my last exchange. No stress about spending money was nice and I got the next book in one of the series I just finished, always a good thing. When I got back to the island at 7pm I saw it was ladies night on the store porch and stopped in and sat in one of the rockers to chat and have a glass of wine. I nearly fell asleep at one point but revived at the end and got a ride home. I was still in bed by 9:30. So, I did something for me. Therapist would be proud.

Speaking of therapy. Cade did some CBT yesterday. I was very pleased. His session went well and he and I had a good talk afterwords. There is a HUGE difference between Sean and me as people and parents that can be confusing for Cade. I am very expressive so even if I tell the kids I am doing ok my face may not always look like I am doing fine. Still, I am always true to my word and do as I say. Sean on the other hand has two facial emotions, stony or angry. He says all the right things then turns around and does the opposite. They trust my word but worry for me. I am still trying to make sure the kids don't worry for me. The kids don't trust Sean's words at all but want to and get hurt over and over. So we are working on Cade being able to take care of himself and be able to express himself when he needs to.

My session was fine. I cried a lot. Again. It's because I am so close to that emotional edge right now. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel but it's still pretty far off. My homework until next time is to ask myself every time I do something, "Is this my responsibility?" I take on too much and it is making me sick. So, I am putting it in practice right away. I realized yesterday on the boat that since this is Sean's weekend with the kids and since he is supposed to be bringing them back on Sunday, how is he going to be able to do that if he is in Boston with Connor? It is not my problem to figure this teleportation problem for him. Instead of asking him about it I just emailed him last night as normal about me dropping them off and I asked him to tell me if he was going to be coming back on the 4pm or the 7pm so I would know which boat to meet. So far no response but it's still early. I still feel a worried ache in my chest about it but I am trying to step back...cross your fingers.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Reading and advice

1 comments Posted by perphila at 7:12 AM

I did some juggling and instead of leaving at 6 am we are leaving at 9 am. Why? Connor. He did his usual ranting and raving about going to therapy at 9 am today and I rescheduled it for next week. Why? Aren't I just letting him get his way? Well, who thinks therapy is going to be beneficial one iota if he doesn't even want to be there or be awake? Not me. Did I even want to be there and get stressed and drag Cade around and pay a sitter 3 extra hours for Sofie for Connor's sake? I talked with his counselor and told him about the problem and that his time with his dad isn't changing Connor's attitude one bit. The whole "I'm tired" thing is still going on and is used as a crutch. I told him I know the next session was supposed to be with his dad as well but I want the next one to be for Connor and myself to address our family problems first. I told Connor about the change and he asked me if his dad knew about the one for today. I told him that was none of his business. He seemed a bit stunned. Then he said his dad was taking him to a concert in Boston on Sunday. Now, I knew this concert was coming up (I thought it was on Tuesday though) and I knew Connor wanted to go and his dad had expressed interest in taking him. Did I know it was a done deal? No. Do I mind? Not really. What I find interesting is the fact they are going to drive down early, buy a book and wait in line for it to be hopefully signed by the author who is one of the band members from the concert they will be seeing, bought tickets to see it, buying food for the day and paying for who knows what else and yet..and yet...Sean said he couldn't pay $45 upfront for therapy? Why should I bother to make it happen? I really want to give up. Oh, and they think they will be able to drive back the same day. Riiiight. I see a hotel stay in their future. Mr. Poverty Stricken will have a tough time won't he?

Do I sound bitter? Sarcastic? I am pretty mad at myself for not even realizing the costs and irony of it all for several days. I am STILL not seeing the big picture. Not to mention I had thought Sean would tell Connor in the end they couldn't go because they couldn't afford it but I forgot (again) if it something SEAN likes and something SEAN wants to do he makes it happen. I don't know if he begged, borrowed or stole the money to do this but one thing I know for sure he isn't doing this for Connor. It's all for selfish motives and to bribe his son to live with him which again is for selfish motives of not having to pay child support.

Oh the reading and advice thing? I am reading several books about teen parenting and parenting with children (teens) with depression. I am not thinking it will help me much. Advice...I hope my counselor and help me.

I had better get a shower in...I can't even sleep properly now.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

She's breakin' up Cap'n!

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:50 AM

Back at the library and taking a few minutes before opening to settle myself. I am in bad shape. The stress is getting to me big time. Yesterday morning I missed out on my morning nursing job because my sitter didn't come (I switched my town day from Tuesday to Thursday due to Connor's therapy) and around 9am I started feeling sick to my stomach. Nausea so bad I almost lost it. I was in and out of it for 3 hours and I hoped it was a fluke. Something I ate or didn't eat enough or some bug. Today I got up as normal, although I have been feeling run down a bit, and about 20 minutes before I had to leave I began feeling it again. I remember a few months after Sean left I began feeling this way. At the time I didn't think it was stress related. I wasn't thinking about stuff before the waves would hit or anything. It lasted a good six months but was only really bad for about three. Every single morning I would have it. I couldn't brush my teeth until noon or eat until late morning because I would just feel sick. I didn't eat much yesterday. It was freaking hot out though so I know I wouldn't have eaten much anyway. I had some yogurt this morning and I really wish I hadn't an half an hour later. Now I am having an apple and I hope it isn't too much but it is a delicate game I am playing. I hope it doesn't last as long this time but I know it is stress. I can see last time was too. I really don't want an ulcer or acid reflux or something. The nausea is bad enough.

Had company over the weekend, that was nice. I still had one 11 hour work day during that time and more or less normal hours the rest of the time. The next week here is going to be harsh and I know that is part of my problem. I also don't want to go to all the therapy appointments tomorrow and miss out on work but I know I have to. I am looking forward to my own but not Connor's. I am kind of blank on Cade's. I still don't have a proper sitter for Sofie yet and that is making me feel bad. Leaving her behind makes me feel bad. After this I have to clean a house which I don't want to do in this heat. Then another. Thursday in town day. Friday, nursing job, library, cleaning, take kids in town, nursing job. I feel like I am stretched a bit thin.

Connor has been home since Friday. I am shocked. He did leave to spend the night with a friend on another island on Monday but he came home the next day. I never thought I would feel stressed out having my own child at home with me but that is how I feel around him now. Like I am being watched and talked about and spied on. Judged and ignored. My friend could see the change in him as well. He didn't even sit down for a whole meal with us. He sat pushed food around then left the table. He spoke a little but spent most of the time outside of the house. He is distancing himself and it is heartbreaking and I just don't understand why. I feel like I am doing everything I could possibly do wrong with him. What bothers me a great deal is how much of his father's bad behaviors he is displaying. Sean isn't totally evil. He does have a good trait or two. I wish Connor would latch on to those things and not the negative. Of course the negative scale is pretty heavy so...

On a nicer note I was able to pick up Sofie's ballet clothes last Friday. I gave them to her Monday morning when she woke up and she was thrilled and dressed up in them right away. She spent most of yesterday in and out of them doing made up dance routines while listening to Bach. I really have to take her picture. So cute...:)

Still queasy...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ironed Out

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:04 AM

So, I once again told Sean he needed to be at the bay lines today at the normal time. I told him I would have Sofie with me but Cade was going to stay because he is going to be a waiter at the community breakfast Saturday morning which he does EVERY year and Sean and him fought over it last year and Cade stayed that time too. I didn't realize it was this Saturday until yesterday evening. I then said Cade would meet him at the dock for the 4pm boat back that Saturday afternoon and I would be waiting to pick both kids up on Sunday as usual. I didn't cave and the one change I did make was for Cade and was for an event that he does every year and Sean is well aware of that fact if not the exact day. I got a reply this morning. One sentence, "I'll be there tonight."

* Big sigh of relief*

A week of hair pulling misery for me. I need to get tougher for sure. Next week the kids will be with me anyway and all I will need (hopefully) to worry about is if we go to court this month or not. No word yet. I will have to call the lawyer again today. I will also have to talk to him about the co-parenting counseling. It isn't going to happen unless I do something. I think it will have to be through the agency Cade goes through that Sean and I went to last time. I would prefer to set it up if that is the way we have to go since I can try and request someone tough. Most likely though we will get whoever we get. The person we saw last time is out because Sean already said he didn't want to see her. Whatever. More crap for me to deal with. I feel so burnt out I think I am shaking in my brain, soon it will be a physical thing.

Oh well, back to work, still cataloging books into the computer system. Wee...

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Another Offer

2 comments Posted by perphila at 2:08 PM

Sitter problems again. I had to bail from a cleaning job this afternoon because I have no one to watch Sofie. I had someone for my first job this morning but she could only do the morning. Will had planned to have the day off but got a call last night to come in today to go sell. When he gets back I can try and do as much of the job as possible before my evening job. I don't mind being home with her. I wish I could do it all day. I miss the winter time all ready. I am so tired and hormonal right now. Not to mention my arms are very sore.

Got another email today. One day. I want one day from not hearing from him. He made another offer so change the schedule. I feel like caving. This time he wants to take them off the island Saturday on the afternoon boat (notice it's after the party he is going to) and then he said he would bring them back on the noon boat Monday. This would be nice if I didn't have to go into town anyway on Friday no matter if he gets them or not. Not to mention I will be working on Monday so he wants me to send either Connor or my guest to come and pick them up at the dock. True he would be coming to get them and bring them back but if he didn't come out here to party he wouldn't be coming to get them. Oh, and I will be cleaning a house on Saturday so I can't bring the kids to the afternoon boat. Cade of course could simply walk there himself but Sofie? I am not sure my brain and heart can handle this.

Stay firm? Try to make it work? I just don't know. I don't want to seem "inflexible" still....*sigh*

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Heat = Loss of Soul

0 comments Posted by perphila at 3:11 PM

I despise the heat. Summer is my least favorite season. I should be cleaning a house right now but I am not going until it cools off some.

I have been sick in the chest since last night. I know it is anxiety and stress. I think I have lost a year or two with all this nonsense. I know some is because I am not looking forward to some of my cleaning jobs. Normally I find them actually relaxing but not in the heat. I think I was also subconsciously waiting for another email from Sean. I miss the days when he would ignore us for weeks at a time. Of course there it was in my inbox this morning. He wanted to know why Cade didn't go to his session yesterday and why I was not being flexible with the visitation. He said he would have to either cut his visit short or take the kids back and forth on the ferry twice.

Yep. Not my problem.

I asked around, not only my counselor but other parents and all have said the same thing to me, the visitation schedule is there for a reason. Stability for the kids, stick to it. This was also something we agreed to in our previous co-parenting session. I do not blame Sean for all of this. I enabled his behavior and allowed this to happen. Even though I was strict on my end and made any plans around the schedule or got a sitter if I needed one Sean has not done the same. He expects me to accommodate him and I have allowed it. Staying tough is hard. Saying no when the other person makes you feel guilty and ashamed is stressful and nerve wracking. I told him when Cade's next scheduled appointment is and that I had already made plans based on the visitation schedule which I try to stick for for the kids sake. I told him we would be there Friday and if he can't make it to let me know by 11:30am on Friday. I want to cry.

I got two bills in the mail today. I haven't paid the rent and the car insurance is due next week. No child support yet. I am owed two checks. Picked up another job today. I am about to snap.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Why I don't do things for myself...

1 comments Posted by perphila at 10:47 AM

Today was supposed to be a in town day. Therapy, food shopping, stuff for the house shopping and a myriad of other errands.

Last night Cade begged out wanting to take a week off his therapy. He had been on the outs with a friend who had treated him quite badly on Sunday and this friend had apologized for his behavior and asked Cade over today to play and to make up for it. Cade really wanted the chance to do this and I had a choice before me. I thought about how bad Cade had felt Sunday night and how black and white his thinking was that day. His tears and how he had felt all his friends treated him worse than anybody else. Doing this today would be a great lesson in how to forgive and how when you treat someone else poorly what you can do to make up for it. Not to mention Cade seemed very happy. So I told him I would call and reschedule but he wasn't getting out of it completely. He was very happy.

Then I checked my email and saw one from Sean, in it he said he got the check I had sent back that he had given me which was written out wrong and that he would send me a new one and that he would pick up Cade at the ferry today and take Cade to his session since Kathryn was going to be there. I was a it shocked. Cade had not said anything to me about her coming into his session. Then I got another email from one of the people I work for who was having trouble with a renter and could I go there today and help? Crud. So there went my own session and I figured I had better call today a wash and reschedule everything.

I talked to Cade and he said he had told his counselor that he knew Kathryn would be coming in but he wasn't ready yet. I am not sure he was clear on that because when I talked to the counselor about it she said he told her it was ok for Kathryn to come today. I told her he told me almost the same thing, that she could come but that he wanted to have a few sessions first to know what he wanted to say to her and that wasn't today. So, I know Sean spoke with Cade earlier last week about his last session and I was in the room so I know Cade told him he spoke with Rose about Kathryn coming in and that he was aware his dad wanted that to happen and that he was ok with it "sometime". I know for a fact he did not tell his dad it was ok for it to happen today. The counselor was saying stuff to me about him feeling caught in the middle and stuff and I asked her, how is he caught in the middle with Kathryn coming in when it has nothing to do with me? I told Cade his sessions are his to do with as he sees fit with his counselor. He has to do what is best for him and if he wants Kathryn to be there that's his choice. I just want him to make sure it is what he wants to do when he wants to do it and not be bullied by anyone to do something he isn't ready for. I told him it would be a good idea for him to be able to tell Kathryn exactly how he feels about her, her treatment of him, how he feels about her etc. in a safe place and in front of his dad. The whole idea of talking things out is the only way to try and make things better. I will never again tell the kids that it will make things better but at least he can feel better about getting all of those feelings off his chest. He agreed it would be a good idea eventually but not right now. He is kind of ok with how things are for the moment with her not speaking to him. He said his dad thinks her not talking to him is upsetting him. Cade said he certainly doesn't want to be in a place where he isn't liked or wanted but her not talking to him isn't changing anything. He already knew she didn't like him or want him there. She is just more obvious about it than before and he is rather mad at his dad that it took for her to stop talking to Cade to make him notice the fact Cade has known all along. Therapy isn't going to make Cade like her and he doubts it will make her like him either. SO, I have to keep telling myself, not my problem, not my problem, not my problem, I can't fix this, I can't fix this, I can't fix this. I have to just sit there and let it all play out for better or for worse and I had hoped that kind of feeling was something I would have time to grow to adjust to as the kids began leaving home and living their lives AS ADULTS and not now at 15 and 10 years old when I feel like I SHOULD be able to do something. *sigh*

Anywho, I emailed Sean back and told him we weren't going to be there today. No explanations. I am working hard on trying not to justify my actions to Sean all the time. I know I don't need to but I keep feeling like I should. Then I told him he had to pick the kids up at the bay lines on Friday like normal and bring them back on Sunday. I didn't explain my work schedule or my company situation or that this is the court order and we should follow it. Nothing. Yes, I realize it will make his life harder to make so many trips and stuff but, is that my problem? No. If he wants to make plans or not is his choice and I don't have to turn my life upside down to help him out. He always make it seem like I would be helping the kids because he knows I will bend over back words for them and that is how he plays me. He knows I go without buying stuff for myself and taking time for me for their sakes and uses it to his advantage. To the point where I feel guilty and ashamed. Where I feel like I am letting them down and not doing enough for them. Not being responsible enough or too selfish. I am hard on them and make them work and am far stricter than most of their friends parents but I do that for them and I certainly don't abuse them. Cade calls me a workaholic now and so I feel bad about that too. I don't want to work all the time and not see them. What's the point of even having them if I never see them? I at least take Sofie with me to most of my jobs. Cade comes a lot and chips in so I see him more than he realizes. Will of course I see little of due to school or his work but he makes time to spend time with all of us and his friends. He really understands balance and tries hard to make it happen. As for Connor I haven't spoken to him or seen him since last week. He is coming home on Friday. I have called for him but he hasn't called back. As sad as that makes me I don't let it deter me. I also don't want to smother him. Most likely he will move out soon to live with his dad. It's sad since I know it won't last but I guess he has to do this. I just hate all the legal stuff that is going to happen. I feel like I am wound up tight and I will snap at any time. Not anger but tears, floods and floods.

No response from Sean yet but when it comes it won't be good. This is worse than the divorce.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Almost a week gone by...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 2:38 PM

I have been going straight out. I really shouldn't be posting and should be doing a chore or something but I am thirsty and giving my feet a rest.

I was mad again a few days ago. Since I am at the ropes edge as it is I find myself getting angry easier. My mood was shot for about half a day. I kept trying to take my mind off of the problem and it would work for a while then come back. The problem? Last weekend was my weekend with the kids. No problem there right? Well, since Sean missed last weekend he wanted Cade to come this past weekend. Cade was not inclined and said so. Then Sean told him the wife's parents would take him to Funtown and wouldn't he like that? I could have screamed. Cade then was put into the position of wondering if he should go or not since his dad seemed to want to see him. Then of course was the issue of Cade being upset his dad didn't show up the weekend before. He could go but then he would miss work the next day. Variables, variables. Finally after watching Cade hem and haw for two days and wondering if I could do this or do that and what if's I said no. I told him he couldn't go. This was our time and I wasn't going to give it up and there is a schedule for a reason and I am and have been doing my very best to stick to it. I was pissed that now I looked like a bad guy for saying no to a "fun" time even though Cade admitted (and was a reason he kept leaning toward not going in the first place) that the "grandparents" frequently made plans and promises to the kids to do something fun then just stayed home and he didn't want to give up stuff he had wanted to do on the "chance" it might happen. Cade seemed ok but who knows what the heck kids are thinking? I felt good on one hand for being tough and making a stand, I just kept thinking I was being a bad mom or something. Then comes this coming weekend. I have a friends coming on Friday and I had planned on meeting up with them when I bring the kids in and riding the boat home with them, I needed to meet up with them anyway to get the ferry tickets. We planned their arrival day based on the kids schedule. That way the kids see Sean and still have some time with them as well since they are going to leave on the 6am ferry on Wednesday. Sean emails me today asking AGAIN to change days. He is coming to the island with the wife and the other kids to go to a barbecue at another house out here. I recall him doing this last year on the same weekend his parents visited the kids and he never once tried to see them. Also, we didn't know he was coming and seeing her with Sean pushing the stroller almost made me panic. I really don't want him within 100 feet of my home. I glared at the woman whose house he was going to and she turned away from me clearly upset. Well, I saw her today at the library and she didn't say a word about this barbecue. I had to help her of course but I haven't spoken to her since last year and I am sure she knows why. Anyway, the event is Saturday. He wants the kids to come in Thursday and then he would leave them with me when they come in on Saturday. Like I really want to meet up with them? As a "loving" family? Right. Or, they could bring them to town with them on Saturday after the event and I would get them Tuesday. He would have them an extra day. Uh. No. I haven't responded but I will after I speak with my counselor. I can't afford to go to town Tuesday, Thursday AND Friday. Also, I will be almost dead on Thursday since that is my big clean day. I will be doing the nurse job in the morning then I have two places to clean that take me 4-5 hours each. They are..*cough*..pigs. Anywho, I will have to then walk home and attempt to eat something before going back out the nursing job. So, I can't even take the boat that day nor do I wish to rearrange things to accommodate him. Not to mention I have to switch my in town day next week from Tuesday to Thursday because of Connor's therapy session so I won't be there to get them on Tuesday. So I know it will be a pain for him but..oh well.