Our Island Family Life

Ok. Here is where I yet again delve into my unconscious mind and try and figure out what I am trying to tell myself. Along the way I am most likely going to go into the too much info territory. I had a dream last night. Dreams are dreams and although at times I am able to control them somewhat most of the time I don't even realize I am dreaming until it's just about over anyway. Luckily or unluckily depending on the dream I am quite good at remembering them and I usually have at least 4 or 5 a night I can recall. Not bad. So last night I only remember one. I am not sure how I feel about it. It has left me thinking about it all day though. I felt good. I felt bad. I felt ashamed. I felt powerful. I was going back and forth like a swing. When Sean first left I had dreams about him from time to time. None of them good. He laughed at me. Used me. Made me feel worse in my dreams than I did when I was awake and that's saying a LOT. After a few months I stopped dreaming about him. I felt that was a good thing. Very good. So he was in my dream last night and my first thought was why? Why now? What is going on in ME that brings him back into play? Long and short of it though is that he wasn't bad or mean to me per se. He used me yes but I was using him as well in the dream. In that sense there was more equality there even though what we were doing wasn't very nice. What were we doing? Well, you know how in dreams you know things even if you don't see what's going on? Some people I know don't remember their dreams. Anyway, we were having sex. Good or bad for me (you judge) it wasn't porno sex or even HBO sex it was more 18th century implied sex. So I KNEW it was going on but I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it even in my dreams. Oh well. It was nothing loving though. He was cheating on his wife with me. It was truly weird. Was I missing him? Missing sex? Feeling vengeful towards her? Wanting to use and abuse him as he did me? Wanting some fulfilling irony in my life? Did that make me like her? After all I was having sex with a married man. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I was a bad person in "that" sense because I was having sex with my "husband". Even though he isn't anymore. I didn't want anything from him in a loving sense. I knew that. It was just a straight up, in it's own separate box kinda thing. How did this affect our relationship? He still was an ass. He did nothing to improve himself as a father or co-parent. He still didn't pay child support. He was the same jerk he is now. It was kind of cool being with him in a way though because there was NO expectations there. I was comfortable with him and was downright mean a lot of the time. Not who I really am. I talked to him as I wanted while were in that room without fear of how he was going to react because I really didn't care. I said things I have never said to him before and demanded things, never asked for anything. I didn't care how this would complicate his life. I even thought about continuing with it if I found someone else. So against my values in every single way. I was really horrible. I played by my own rules and if he didn't like it, so what? I know the dream wasn't about sex really. Subtext maybe but it was more about letting go of stuff and not being afraid and asking questions of myself. Maybe he was in the dream because he is who I am familiar with? Maybe a lot of it is really about him and how I feel about him. I wasn't sad in any way to not feel a shred of love for him in all this. That spark that is love was totally absent and any "feelings" I had were purely physical and could have been there for anyone I found attractive. He was simply convenient and the stick it to "her" value was a bonus but not a driving factor. Doing something forbidden and wrong were pretty big turn ons too I must say. Again, nothing I would ever do in real life. I would feel so sick if I was really like that it wouldn't be worth it to do in the first place. So, much to think about and ponder.

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Getting braver at swim lessons

New pumpkiny toes

Cade's present from Connor

When all is said and done can anybody tell me what the result of Connor's maybe visit is?

oh...take a guess.

He's not going. Why? After my last post I talked with Connor and he confirmed what he had said the day before that the plan was to come home on the 5:45 but he asked if things went well if he could stay to the 9:30 boat or until Saturday morning. I said that was fine and told him I had emailed his dad and would email him back asking if that was ok with him too and to let Sean know it was ok with me. At least I would know where Connor was. I emailed Sean and told him everything and asked if it was ok if Connor chose to could he stay longer? I also said again that if I didn't hear from him by 8pm then Connor wasn't going at all. That was at 4:30. Around 7:45 there was still no email from him. A few minutes later Sean calls. I answer and he asked for Connor. He did not talk to me at all about the plans. They talked a few minutes than Connor hung up. I asked him what the plan was and he said he wasn't going. He said his dad said "something came up" and he bailed. I was thinking about the earlier email Sean had sent me and it sounded to me like Sean had plans for Connor to spend the night. Had Sean forgotten them but confirmed to "save face" then said something came up? Connor had asked if he could come over on Saturday instead but Sean said no. What? It takes too much effort to try and figure out what Sean is thinking. Maybe he had the intentions (I hate that word) of seeing Connor but when push comes to shove he chooses his new family over his kids every time. Dunno. What a pain in the behind to go through the emails and waiting and parenting issues for ....nothing. What a toad.

One more thing...as if Connor wasn't stressing me enough. Anyone recall my ramblings about Connor giving me a last minute notice last weekend about seeing his dad and the fallout that followed? In the end he never went even though I said he could as long as he called his dad and I told him I needed to confirm the plans with his dad. Connor didn't want to do that so he didn't go.
After the debacle of last night, just before bed he tells me he has plans with his dad for Friday afternoon. I ask him what they are exactly. He said his dad was going to pick him up from school and that he was going to take the 5:45 ferry home. That would give them a little over three hours to hang out, have dinner, whatever. The only thing that annoyed me was that Connor said they made those plans Tuesday night. I am guessing over that stupid facebook thing. Connor says the only way he can ever get in contact with his dad with any certainty is by using it. Anyway, when Connor told me it was 8:30 Wednesday evening. I had sent Sean an email previously telling him I wanted any plans going on to be confirmed with each other. So I was feeling a bit disappointed in Connor for not telling me sooner but at least he did it. I was feeling nothing but ignored and angry with Sean for not saying anything to me. Not that I expected anything less than stellar parenting from him in the first place....:) Especially since Sean emailed me yesterday thanking me for letting him know Cade had overdue library books. So why didn't he mention it then? Still last night I was too tired to dwell. Since I had told Sean I would email him if Connor told me about plans unless I heard from Sean first I emailed him today. I hate myself for putting that clause in. I know it is the right thing. I know that is the responsible thing to do. It is a fair and reasonable thing to do. Still. I want to be a witch and say no deal unless Sean lets me know what the hell is going on. (deep cleansing breath) Anyway, I emailed him letting Sean know Connor told me about the plans. I told Sean what Connor said the plans were. I am proud of that. See in the past I would have just gone with one of them telling me they had plans and not gotten the nitty gritty info based on faith and trust. Those days are gone. I then copied and pasted the paragraph from the email I had sent before to Sean and told Sean exactly what the consequences were if I did not hear back from Sean confirming the plans by 8pm tonight. Connor would not be going. I pointed out Connor had done his part which was great. I was doing what I said I would do and contacting him. I also told him that since he had not replied to my previous email which had been sent almost a month ago that I went ahead with the rules and consequences outlined in that email and talked with Connor already about it and he was well aware of them and that Connor knew I had informed Sean of the rules and consequences even though I had not heard back from him. The email was two paragraphs plus the snippet from the previous email. I didn't elaborate. I simply did as I said I would, contacted Sean about the plan, informed him of what it was, asked for confirmation, and said what the results would be if I was not answered to by a set time. Several hours later this was the reply:

Yup, we did make these plans. I simply hadn't gotten around to letting you know. The plans actually were that he spends the night and returns on Saturday morning.

So, nonchalant of him, no? Short too. Still not saying in anyway what he thinks of the parenting issue at all. He just hadn't gotten around to it. When was he going to do it, after Connor was already in school on Friday?

I answered back that these were not the plans Connor told me and that I would talk to Connor about it when he got home and let Sean know later tonight. This is the kind of thing I wanted to avoid which is why I think this plan is important. If I hadn't asked what was going on and wanted to know the plan then I would be thinking Connor would be coming home on the 5:45 when he is really spending the night? What is the real plan and is Sean just "confused" again? I already know what Sean hears is usually what he wants and not what is really being said. That is really something we all have to watch out for. It's easier setting up plans with other kids moms than with Connor's own dad.

So, now I wait until Connor gets home and go from there. *sigh* What really eats me up is the fact Connor is only seeing his dad because Sean bribed him by telling Connor he would get him Halo for the xbox. Connor wants that bad enough to go through the trouble of see his dad. They are both using each other and I really hate that. I really don't believe Sean would see Connor at all except he thinks it will upset me and when things aren't going well for Sean he does things like this. Connor just wants stuff. I really hate this.

Oh yeah and about the library thing. I had emailed Sean about the books because I was the one who got the notice and if they weren't returned I would be the one getting the overdue fees and bills. I told him to take the kids to the branch library he got the books from and let them know to send all notices and bill to him as the responsible parent and I would take the kids to the main branch and do the same. If I got another notice I would contact the library myself and tell them where to send the bills. It isn't like I can go to his house and get the books myself can I? Cade can't even return the books either since he isn't there and would need a ride to the library anyway. I was really nice though and didn't mention he could have told me about Connor in that email...I REALLY wanted to. Restraint is my new middle name.

Well, you guys remember my mystery smell? Over the past few weeks the smell has disappeared. It was there pretty much all summer. It was really driving me nuts. Last night we found....the source. How stupid and embarrassing. When I go shopping, especially in the summer the food has to travel a long time. If I go shopping at 8am for example then the food has to sit at the store, then the bay lines, the ferry and then home. The food gets to the island at 4pm. So that's about 8 hours or so. Now I am sure you know that poses a problem for cold items. I bring with me a cooler and hot cold bags for those things. Now, I don't always get to do the shopping on a banana box day as well call it. Sometimes I have to pick up one or two things and I bring with me a big insulated bag that Sean got from Whole Foods when he was here and thought he "had" to shop there for organics. Stupid. I digress, anyway, the last time I used it was a while ago since once the summer started I really tried hard to just do the shopping on the banana box days to save time for myself and scheduled all my appointments on that day. When I bring food home we have a system of getting it put away. Connor and Cade usually unload the boxes, coolers and bags. Will, Sofie and I put things away. Then Will and Connor put the cooler and hot cold bags away. They do that because there is a high shelf above the freezer in the pantry where we put them that is hard for me to reach without a ladder but the boys can reach easier than me. Last night Will was hiding something (he does that a lot) and asked me where he should put it. I said why not the Whole Foods bag? It was big enough to hide the object in question and up high where it was not likely to be found. So he got the bag down and found....the source. After Will was able to calm himself down (he almost threw up) we deduced this is what must have happened....during the chaos of unpacking someone (Cade or Connor) must have forgotten or missed..the source...and then when we thought everything was put away Will or Connor put the bag up on the high shelf with...the source...still inside. It never occurred for any of us to look inside the bag. We knew the smell was close to the pantry and so we had checked the shelves and behind the freezer and every nook and cranny. We bleached the floor and stuffed a mouse hole. Nothing. So as I say, why it didn't occur to me to check the bag makes me feel foolish. Of course by the time the smell began I hadn't used the bag in a while so I didn't think there might be something in it. So, what was it?

A package of chicken.

Yuck. There was very little leakage. It was wrapped tight in plastic. On a scarier note, except for the smell (which was NOTHING compared to what it was) it looked just fine. Shouldn't it look...really bad? Was it preserved in some way? It was chicken that had been pre-cut for stir fry by the butcher so it wasn't frozen before or anything. The smell was at this point only in the bag itself. I felt bad about the waste. I was bit angry it was overlooked because of that more than the smell. Still we were all to blame. Cade and Connor for leaving it in the bag. Will for putting the bag away without noticing it was still there. Me for trusting them to do the job correctly and not noticing it was missing in the first place. So, mystery solved. Last night I just told Will to put the whole thing outside. It was late and I wasn't going to deal with it. This morning, I disposed of the creepily healthy looking meat and scrubbed the bag. The bag was pretty clean looking but the smell remained. Now it is outside drying and airing out.

On another note, my sitter for the weekend had to bail. Her mom got sick and so had to go away for the weekend. I hope she will be ok. They are going to make sure it isn't the "bad" flu or pneumonia. Since she is 84 both would be a very bad thing. So now I am scrambling. Ack. So is life right?

Also, I am a little stressed about Connor. He was scratching for a fight last night. As soon as he got home and confirmed he had done his homework he got on the xbox. I didn't have any chores for him so it wasn't a big deal. He was really mad at the game though. He was online with his friends and was losing to some other team so he was yelling and ranting at the screen. I told him to calm down and finally I just left the room. He was just annoying. Later I told him he was going to have to walk down to the store for me to get some milk and juice when it opened in about an hour. He said ok and I told him I would let him know. When it was close to the time Sofie asked if she could walk with him. Since Connor and Sofie rub each other the wrong way sometimes I thought it was a good idea she wanted to spend some time with him. I told her it was ok and to tell Connor she was going too and call him down to go. She went upstairs to tell him and was a little while. She came back and said Connor wasn't coming. I called up to him and he didn't answer. I called again and he said he was coming. I was starting to get bugged. I called him two more times and Sofie did too before he finally came to get his shoes on. Sofie was dressed and ready and I told him to take his time since Sofie walks slower. He said, "What? She's coming with me? No." I just looked at him and reigned in my quick burst of temper. I was so angry. His whole attitude was nasty. He was telling me, his mother what he was or wasn't going to do. He laughed outright. He was mad he was going and was nasty in asking what he was supposed to be getting even though I had already told him. I knew he was already in a bad mood from the game. I knew he pissed to be pulled away from it and wanted to get back as soon as possible and going with Sofie would only slow him down. I felt totally disrespected on SO many levels. I got his xbox and took it away. Well, that sent him into a nasty fit and he said he didn't even know why he was bothering to help me in the first place. He still didn't get it. I told him to just leave. I was too angry to speak coherently and told Sofie to stay. I wasn't going to send her with him when I knew he would take his anger out on her. She cried of course. Will took her outside to play which calmed her down and made her happy. Good thing she is easy to please. What was really nice was that I didn't even ask him to do that. He just took her because he hates seeing her cry. Connor came back in a huff saying the store was closed. I asked him if he checked the hours and he snarled back at me he did and they were closed on Wednesdays. I told him I didn't know they had changed their hours. He said he lost the xbox for nothing. He was in tears. I told him it wasn't for nothing. It was about respect and his lack of it. That of course led to him saying he couldn't talk to me with any explanations because I wouldn't listen or yell at him. It was pointless yada yada. I told him to try me. So he did. He was crying of course by then. He had said he was upset in the first place at the game, then Sofie was interrupting him and bothering him and he had to stop the game to "deal" with her, he had no idea he was supposed to take her and all he had said was no to me and I flipped out. I told him I already knew he was in a bad mood from the game. As a result of that we were going to discuss later some new ground rules about that. Also, I was the one who told Sofie to get him and tell him she was going. He then told me she didn't tell him and cried harder. I gave him a pretty hard stare and told him while that may be true it was also possible that she could have told him but he was so wrapped up in the game he either ignored her or didn't hear her. He was about to argue the point when I said that either way I now know he was surprised about her going when he came down and that we were also going have to discuss later his ability to listen closely to others if he was playing a game. Then I told him what bothers me more is not him saying no but the manner in how he did it. I told him I was fully aware that he wasn't always going to like or be happy doing the things I ask him to do for me or around the house. I expect that and understand that. I don't really like doing the dishes either for example but they have to be done and in this house we will all work together to get things done. Period. I told him that I could be just telling him what to do and hovering over his shoulder to make sure his chores got done but I was trying to do was show some respect for his age and that he growing up to ask that he does things and giving him my trust that the things will be done not only completely without my having to double check them but also in a timely manner. A timely manner means to do things when I ask them to be done and not hours later, the next day or not at all. I am giving him trust and respect and expect the same in return. That means I do not want to be snarled at, ignored, laughed at and disrespected not only as his mother but as a person. He said he didn't intend to make me or anyone angry or sad. I told him I knew that. I also told him I thought he had the biggest heart of anyone I know. He didn't believe me and said he was a jerk. I told him he wasn't a jerk but if he didn't start thinking about how his feelings affected his actions towards others he might be called that by other people who don't know him. I told him that I didn't want to be afraid of telling him how I feel or being able to tell him things I notice about how he behaves that he might not like because I was afraid we would fight. I didn't want him to not tell me what he was thinking because he might be afraid that we might argue. I told him that he was right I got angry with him seemingly real fast when he said no and I wanted him to know how I got there. My thoughts. Where my patience went to (besides Bermuda). I told him he had a pattern of behavior that I have come to expect from him simply because of his actions. He got mad and said I was missing the point that he always did the chores. I replied I did not miss that point at all. The fact that they didn't ALWAYS get done I was willing to overlook. The real problem was the path he takes to get them done. Part one is ignoring me, as how I viewed it. Although I know he hears me. He lets me know he understands what I ask of him. Then he does nothing for hours. I was quick to point out that this pattern I wanted to explain to him was not something he did ALL the time. Sometimes he did one thing and not another. Other times it was all the things. Sometimes he did none of them and did what I asked. If you had a chart of how often he did the things in the pattern though it was 8 times out of ten he did them. That was too much. After the ignoring comes the sarcasm and general nastiness. I really could do without that. Then comes the stall tactics. I have to go to the bathroom. The water's not hot. I have to save my game. I need a shower first. I should finish my homework. Whatever. They are excuses that stall for time because the next thing you know it's bed time or time for school or work and then he really can't do what I ask. The next thing I know it's left up to me and all the stress and fighting and hassle were for nothing since I am doing it anyway. When I see the pattern starting I beging to feel upset because I see where this is going All the promises that it will get done are broken. My trust and faith and respect I had given him are broken or thrown back at me. He may not even be aware of his actions but the pattern he is doing is a very manipulating one. He got mad and said sarcastically how he was fully aware and was intending to manipulate me. I narrowed my eyes at that. I told him he may or not be "aware". I am not him and don't know. What I do know is that this is exactly what that behavior is and it has taken me a very long time and some unfortunate experiences to be able to recognize that kind of behavior for what it is. I also know that sometimes I get so busy with my own things I fail to see what's going on until it's been going on for a while but when I do notice I will not let it happen to me or anyone else in my family if I can help it. He tried to compare how I treat him to Cade and Will. He said I favor Will. Now Will by this time had brought Sofie in and got her a snack and was watching a movie with her in my room so Connor and I could talk. I told Connor that they all have the same basic set of rules, after that I do treat them a little differently because they are different people with different needs, like, dislikes and personalities. To treat them all the same I felt was disrespecting them as the individual people they are and I had hoped as they got older they would appreciate and understand that. I already knew Will did. Will and I had this talk before. Connor then said Will was almost 18 and would be leaving soon and it didn't make sense I was asking him to do stuff around the house. What? Is he serious? He really thought Will should just be allowed to do what he wants. This of course was Connor trying to get me off topic even if he didn't realize it. I answered him anyway. I told him first off Will is still 16 thank you very much, even if he was 18 he would be doing what he is doing now. Second, he still lived here and as such is a part of our family and is expected to pitch in and do his share. Third, I only have to ask for Will's help some of the time. He does far more than his share and more than Connor does. Will does things around the house without me even asking. He sees something needs doing and does it. He understands what it means to help each other out. I pointed out Will wasn't perfect. He is stubborn, never makes his bed, leaves his clothes all over the bathroom stuff like that. I also don't like how Will treats Connor on occasion. Still, the point is being able to learn to share, live with others, cooperate. I told Connor that if he is ever feeling angry and stressed and needed time alone that was understandable and he can tell me. I can help him to get space when he needs it by keeping his siblings away for a while. I told him not to compare himself against his brothers but focus on his own behavior. He said he didn't care about how Will treats him. I really doubt that. I just told him that I cared. I wanted them to be able to count on each other when they grew up. The four of them together as family. The bonds they make now are so very important. So, anyway, we had some consequences for his rudeness. Made a new limit on the xbox. I'm sorries were said. I was exhausted emotionally. I had a headache. Will never got his homework done because he was with Sofie which made me feel worse. He got up at 4am to do it because it had to be done online at the school blog. I'm still tired and my head still hurts.

Respect a man, he will do the more.
James Howell

It's happening again. That weird sneezing fit I had a few weeks ago. It started yesterday afternoon and I still have it this morning. I totally forgot I had medicine yesterday and was just miserable. I just took some. I hope it works. I wonder if I have developed an allergy or maybe it's just old age..:) Change of seasons doing it? I dunno. It's just plain weird and my eyes are burning. I have a cup of tea, Sofie is all clean and watching a movie next to me while learning how to do buckles, zippers and laces and I am waiting to the drug to kick in. It's for allergies so if it doesn't work then that probably isn't my problem. I will just be a random sneezing freak of nature. I was planning on taking Sofie for a nice long walk today. The weather is nice so I hope I feel better soon. Now Sofie is dancing and singing. She is watching Labyrinth (again) and loves the Magic Dance song. She loves David Bowie. How funny is that? She has such a pretty voice. Mine stinks. So does Sean's so it's her own talent completely. It's nice to hear singing in the house.

Cade left for camp today. He will be gone until Friday. It's through the school. It is a leadership and esteem building thing. Almost the whole school is gone. They are joining up with another island school. It will be quiet without him here. Two kids are left at the school here. The camp is only for 3-5th grades. The ones left behind are 1st graders. They call themselves Team Uno. Last year they were Team K. It's pretty cool. Today they have a field trip to the island store to make pizza and tomorrow are going to the island post office for a behind the scenes tour. The place is so small I am not sure what there is so see but it should be fun anyway...:) These are things Sofie will be able to do in the spring if they are able to start a preschool here. Did I even mention that? I got a call from the teacher a few days ago asking if I was interested in letting Sofie go to preschool here if it was available. I though well, cool. The superintendent had asked about it and it going to see is she can set it up. Cade would be in school with his sister for a few months at least. Next year he will be traveling on the ferry in town for 6th grade. None of the boys went to preschool. I didn't think it was necessary. I think for Sofie would like it though since the environment is SO different. She is already so involved with the school going on all the field trips and going to recess and coming over for story time frequently that it won't be too drastically different. A lot of places that call themselves preschools I think are really just more expensive day cares. Parents can feel less guilt about being away with the name change. We fool ourselves with fancy names. Domestic engineer = maid...sorry. Since she would only gone for the morning and still be home for nap time I think she would like it. It isn't a done deal anyway so we'll see. School budgets are tight. I don't know if Aiden would go this spring or next fall. He is 6 months younger so he would be a year beind Sofie either way. If he does go then I will be out of a job. Well, not quite but less time. It's all up in the air. So much to think about.

Later this week I will be in a place where Sean and I visited a lot. I have a lot of years of memories there with him and Will and Connor. It almost seems like a different life before Cade was born. We were young and both working hard. Sean had his ups and downs and a lot of problems feeling he wasn't good enough, not doing enough, was going to be a bad father. He was hurtful to me during those times pushing me away and said hurtful things but he was faithful and I respected his efforts. Knowing what I know now I can see the bipolar episodes for what they were. The failures and the overextending of himself. The days on end with little to no sleep. The other days of sleeping and we had to be quiet or he would rage. He thought he was too much like his dad during those times and was afraid he would become abusive or alcoholic. We just reminded him of all his good points and got him through it. How naive.

I will be in a place where we did fun things with the kids and alone. A place where we laughed. A place I went a lot with my father and at first didn't want to share with Sean. I didn't want to go to the places I went with my dad and open myself up in that way. I did though. I wanted to share it with the kids and it became exciting. I knew the reason I didn't want to share before was because I knew odds were against us and if things went bad I would be sad. The more I loved him and the more I trusted him the easier it was to open up. Once the kids were born I trusted even more. I wanted Sean to be a part of my life and past and future. I really thought that no matter what fights we might have or bad times we could work through anything. I never once thought he would actually be out of my life, out of the kids life. I feel so sad to be looking forward to not seeing or hearing from him for two weeks in a row when there are no visits.

I waver between wanting to be there and not. I want to go back and build new fun memories with the kids but I also know the older boys will feel bad too. Still, they were little and hopefully not remember as much. They don't like being reminded of what their dad used to be like. I really can't comprehend how a parent can change so completely. If I can't how can they? Anyway, going doesn't bother me as much as before. I suppose next year or whenever I get back it will hurt less. I hope I can be reminded of the good times with a smile more than feeling like crying soon. I also don't want to get so wrapped up in the day to day divorce crap I forget he is sick. He needs help. I no longer feel like I need to be the one to help him. I just don't want to just think of him as a creep. It helps to keep me calm and less angry and reasonable to deal with the next problem he deals us with when I remember the place he is coming from. It helps me more than anything. It also helps the kids.

Yet another email from Sean....is it Christmas? He said he wasn't bringing Sofie home on the 4pm boat but the later one I told him not to do. There is nothing I can do of course. Why did he even bother to ask? He must have thought I would say yes. He gave excuses, Sofie was napping and he didn't want to wake her and he wasn't feeling well and he would have to bring all the "girls" with him to take that 4pm boat. Bingo. Do I look like I give a crap if he has to bring those other kids along? No, I don't. Not my kids, not my problem. Do I care he doesn't feel bad? Did he care when I was in a car accident? Uh..no..aaannnd no. Since there was nothing I could do this time I asked if she was feeling sick too and it was good she was resting...though I doubt she is. Then I said from now on it's the 4pm boat. Period. I told him to make whatever arrangements he needed to make it happen. I told him it was better for the kids routine and even if Cade wasn't there it was to be the 4pm boat. He had also said at the end of the email that he would give Sofie dinner so I wouldn't "have to deal with that." Humph. That is again suppose to placate me. I am just sick of the mind games. He made the choice to have the responsibility of Sofie and that woman's child and now another one. There are times you do what you gotta do. He needs to suck it up. I do.

Thinking good thoughts now to not get angry.....Will came home from work with a lobster. He got one yesterday too. Free. Soft shells they couldn't sell. I wish I liked lobster but I don't but at least Will gets to eat it and he loves it. It's funny when you think about it. It's so expensive in the stores but the lobster men were only getting a little over $2 a lb for it. Will gets to eat it almost every day when he works for free. His boss is super nice too and pays him for the days during the week he goes out and hauls even though Will only works Saturday and Sunday. His boss might only go out 2 more days a week since he waits for Will. Will is pretty lucky.

Well, you how when a teenager starts acting nice and doing things you start to think either, what do they want or what did they break? It is a kind of uh oh spark in the back of your mind that makes you a bit wary...like seeing a predator watching you from the corner of it's eyes while you slowly back away. Well, I am getting those warning signs and I am slipping a little into that fight or flight zone. Not from a teenager though...from Sean. Last post I mentioned how since August he has pretty much in incommunicado. He also lied to me about the last visit asking if the kids could stay longer and saying Cade was fine with it when he never even asked Cade. I got the email I mentioned from him Friday and thought that would be last I heard from him in who knows how long. I did send my, I want the info too response, I figured he would ignore it as his current pattern. Today I get another email. Shock. It was another placating one about the insurance. He said he would dig out that info for me and get that out to me. That alone reveals he had been lying before when he said he didn't even have the info and was waiting for the insurance company to mail it to him and "could I wait a bit?" when we talked on the phone. Whatever. Then he asks after "reassuring" me he would give me the info if Sofie could stay until the later boat again like last week. He asks me for something and in order to smooth his way to a yes answer prefaces the question with platitudes. Last time Cade had said his dad just didn't want to take the regular boat because then he would have had to take all four of them because "the wife" goes off and tutors in the afternoon. Oh well. Too bad. Am I being mean? Maybe. I don't think Sofie needs to be there any longer than she already has been. I told him to be on the regular boat and didn't comment at all about the insurance. I am no longer going to talk with him about it. He had his deadline now I am doing my thing. The end. I wonder what should I expect next because nice from Sean is beginning to scare me.

Speaking of teens and testing there was a little blip yesterday that had me feeling bad and doubting myself. At 3pm Connor asked me if he could take the 4pm boat and spend the night with his dad. We already have a rule in place that if he wants to see his dad he needs to ask Sean if he is free and then I need to know a day in advance or at the very least in the morning if he is going to take an afternoon boat. If it's one hour to the boat leaves then it is too last minute and the answer is no, he can however go the next morning. Also, I am no fool. I suspected something was on the wind. The boys have facebook accounts. I would have to be a fool to not check up on them from time to time. They know this. I do nothing behind their backs. The only thing I look for is random people asking them perverted stuff..basics. I knew already Connor had asked his dad if he could come over "sometime". It was simply a question of when Sean would bother to get back to him. On another note about these visits I think I had mentioned before, the rules had been upgraded a little bit because of an incident the first weekend of the month. Sean called me looking for Connor thinking they had plans and was not very happy. I emailed Sean about it (he never replied to it) about how if he did indeed have plans with Connor I was never told anything by either of them and if Connor had just gone to see Sean I would not have known where he was and I would have called the police looking for him. It really wouldn't occur to me that Connor would be with him because I felt Connor would have said something to me. As it turned out Connor was as confused as I was about it. He said they didn't have any plans. I also told Sean that Connor shouldn't be on the hook for telling us what was going on. The two of us as parents should be the ones knowing what was going on. I told Sean if plans were made then I needed to know. If I did not have confirmation from Sean then Connor wasn't going, period. I told him he should email me or call and if Connor told me and I hadn't heard from Sean I would also call Sean if Sean hadn't already contacted me. After all, not that I think Connor would but he could say he was going with his dad and instead go to a friends house or some party or something. He is a teenager after all. I just think it's a good rule for ALL the kids not just Connor and puts the responsibility on the parents shoulders where it should be to KNOW where your kids are. Sean never answered me but that is what I am going to do. If Sean doesn't like it he can tell me so and we can go from there. It is a safety issue and that is all there is to it. So, I told Connor he would have to ask his dad first and Connor said he had facebooked his dad on Friday and Saturday Sean answered he could come over. I asked Connor if his dad had said what boat to meet and if he meant this weekend. Connor said it was for this weekend but they hadn't talked about times. I told him he couldn't go on the 4pm boat since he asked me too late. Connor said he had just heard from his dad and couldn't ask me sooner. I said that was fine. I understood that. Still because of the rules (which Connor knows about and why and agreed with, he even joked with me about it because I told him about the whole running off to go drinking thing) he had to call his dad and let him know he had asked me and that it was fine and that he could go on the 7pm boat then I would talk briefly with his dad myself. I then told Connor that if his dad didn't answer the phone (which was a DISTINCT possibility) that he could leave a message (here he cut me off and said "tell him you said no I can't go" I was so frustrated..was he NOT listening to me? Does he not understand what I have been saying?) saying again he could go but that if his dad didn't call back in time for the boat tonight to confirm then Connor could take the morning boat for a day visit as soon as his dad returned the call. Connor just shook his head and said, "You know what? Forget it. It's too much of a bother." He got up and walked away. He didn't seem angry but there was a big guilt vibe he was giving me. I told him I wasn't saying no. he could go he just had to give his dad a call that was it. Connor just said nope and walked off. I wanted to rip my hair out. Later on Connor asked if he could have a friend over he hadn't seen in two weeks. I was fine with that ...AFTER TALKING TO HIS MOTHER. She called me first to make sure it was ok. DUH! I gave Connor a look and he looked back and I said, "Now she knows it's ok with me and where her son is...I guess I am not the only parent who does that huh?" He smiled and said, "yeah..yeah" I think things are cool. I just hope he knows it's not about his dad I want to do things the way I do. *sigh*

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

Well, before we get to the introspective stuff how about the ongoing dental update. Here is where I get weak and second guess myself and think...oh well, I guess I can wait a little longer. Right? No. Let's look at the big picture. Note, this is more for myself than anything to reaffirm my thought process. After the last dental appointment six months ago I emailed Sean and told him about the appointments for this month. Informed other parent...check. No reply from Sean. Nine weeks ago a phone call with said parent informing me of dental plan. Call went well. Eight weeks ago sent email reminding of appointment as asked for during previous phone call. Informed other parent...again...check. Six weeks ago..had therapy session where he said he didn't want to work with me about dentist because I was bitchy. Since August 28th I have sent him 9 emails asking for info and also informing him about pick times for the kids and other medical needs about them. Emails from Sean as of today.....1. The last email I sent I told him he had until Friday to give me the dental info. I did not tell him what my response to his not telling me would be. Yesterday afternoon he sent this:

Got it. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to respond to a few of the more recent emails but I will shortly. I've been extremely busy. Thanks for the dentist info. I'll take care of that.

Note to self, he did not tell me any of the info. He has not sent me the insurance cards. He says, I'll take care of that, meaning what exactly? Like the way he took care of things with the IRS? Does he really think I believe him? This is the stall tactic in action. He knew he had a due date. He tells me "something" thinking that will be enough without telling me what I need to know. Sneaky. He sounds nice, seems reasonable and has an excuse with words to the effect that things will be taken care of. Simple humm? I am not the same person who just said, "uh..ok." trusted blindly and let him take care of things anymore. I. do. not. believe. him. Anyway, my response to his email:

Sean, I still want the dental information myself as well. Thanks, Amy

Meanwhile I have also asked Cade's teacher for a contact number for the school insurance. Why bother calling the school Sean works at and get stonewalled? They are in the same district. I can get the info quicker and then I can see if the insurance company stonewalls. If so then I can call the district and inform them directly of what I need and why. I even know where the office is. I can go with divorce in hand if need be. I doubt the principle at the school he works for wants to deal with this mess. If Sean gets me the info while I am doing this fine. If not I will get it one way or another. I am also calling DHHS back on Monday and see what they recommend. They can be helpful if you get the right person.

Moving on...

My talk with Cade the other night was interesting to say the least. I tried not to get upset when he told me that a door almost fell on him. I guess they took his bedroom door off the hinges to put on their bedroom doorway instead. Their previous door was too short and "the beast" could crawl under it (she's seven and the size of a blade of grass) which hindered their privacy. So Cade has no door. He also has no beds either. They took all his stuff. Anyway, it was off the hinges and "the beast" knocked it over towards him. Cade jumped out of the way just before it was going to hit him. In response to being scared half to death he smacked her and asked if she was trying to kill him. She went crying to Sean. I thought to myself that it probably wouldn't have killed Cade..unless it hit his head or something but he could have been more likely to have a broken limb or something...then I thought....what if it had hit Sofie? Then my freaking went up a notch or two. I said nothing though. I just had my arm over my eyes and listened. Well, she was yelled at by both Sean and her mother and got a time out. I almost felt bad for her. Sean yelling is scary. How her mother let's him do that I just don't understand at all. I do wonder though if she meant to do it on purpose and just doesn't understand the ramifications her actions could have had. Then Cade said he was forced to go to one of Sean's soccer games with "the beast". He went on a bit about how boring it is but there are other kids there that are also bored to tears week after week. SO bored in fact they are making out. Cade said "the beast" is usually alone because the other kids don't like her. She says she doesn't care because she doesn't like them anyway. So Cade runs off with a couple of boys near his age and they come across a second grade girl and a third grade boy from "the beast's" school that were as Cade put it, "making out". I looked at him then and asked what he meant by that? Hugging? I mean...second grade. He said they were kissing and groping, lying in the grass. Oh. My. God. I asked him where their parents were. He said the dads were on the field. Moms? Not there. Lovely. He asked me not to tell his dad. Like I would. Not that he cares in the first place. After all Cade and "the beast" were all alone. Thank goodness Sofie was napping at the house. I don't even know these people. I wonder though at the other parents that might have been there. I DO know one of them. Cade knows her too and he said she just ignores everyone. So. Whatever. Could you stand by and watch that? How gross. So young. Cade said he was pretty grossed out and the other boys were laughing. Yuck. So I got 2 hours of dumping. I know Cade didn't really want to see his dad this weekend and was talking to calm his nerves. It is a new thing. Before he would just get grumpy and take it out on everyone. Now he talks, and complains and gets nervous. I just love new things. *sigh* When we got to the baylines after swim yesterday for the pick up Cade said to me again (it was the fifth time that day) he didn't want to go. I said, "Well, tell him that and tell him why. If he knows you can't stand the fighting and what's going on and how much it is hurting you then at least he knows and can try to make some changes to make you more comfortable. He can't do anything for you if you don't tell him." Cade, "He won't do anything." Me, "Maybe so, but he really won't at all if you say nothing." Cade, "He will yell at me if I tell him I don't want to go." Me, "Cade, he isn't going to yell at you here in a room full of people. You're safe here." Cade, "Yeah, he's a coward around other adults." I think I made my tongue bleed trying not to answer that one. We waited. Sofie had a busy time at swim and was exhausted. She napped for an hour and a half in the car and was drinking some milk on the bench when she started to cry. I stood her up and held her and asked her what was wrong. She said she missed me. I told her I was right here. She said she didn't want to to leave me, her precious mumma behind. It was so cute and sad at the same time. Finally someone calls me precious...:) Sean came in then. I told her dad was coming. She only held me tighter with tears in her eyes. I felt like crap. Cade was wringing his hands. I brought her over to him and she was crying now. Sean asked what was wrong and I told him she was tired. She didn't want him to hold her. Cade then came up and Sean said hi to him and asked him how he was doing. Cade said fine and then said he didn't want to come. Wham, just like that. I made like I didn't hear anything and asked Sofie if she wanted some milk to feel better and she said yes so we left to go back to the bench. As we left I could hear Sean ask Cade why and I saw him get the arms crossed defensive thing he does and he looked annoyed. I helped Sofie and she seemed better after a drink and I got her a toy ring she had earlier that she likes and I held her and walked around for a bit. Finally Sean came up behind us and said Cade was going home with me and Sofie still didn't want him to hold her. I told her to tell him about what a great job she did in swim and that got her talking and I was able to slide her over to him. She said goodbye and was about to cry again but I gave her her milk cup and ring and that distracted her. They left and I looked at Cade who was very frazzled. He said, "He tries to make me feel guilty and like a bad person." I hugged him and told him he isn't a bad person being honest. I didn't ask him what Sean said and he hasn't told me but I am sure he will when he can tell me without tearing up. He was very excited to come home. He slept in today and just looks so relaxed. oh...I almost forgot...my title. The reason I chose it is because during the big talk the other night Cade said he was tired of hearing his dad talk about things that cause cancer and organic this and that. The evils of high fructose corn syrup. Cade said..."What about just eating what you want but not stuff yourself with it? You know what's it called? Moderation or something? So what if you have a little high fructose corn syrup? Unless your like, diabetic. Just a little, you know, not like 10 cans of soda. I mean..this is dad talking. He ate package after package of cupcakes and boxes of dunkin' donuts. He ate a pack of hot dogs..by himself! Hot dogs..not kosher either. The kinds filled with you don't want to know what. NOW he tells me, "Don't eat that!" Pleeeaasee. Get real. He is a whole different person. He is like her clone or something. He says what she says, likes what she likes, talks like she talks, thinks like she thinks, doesn't do ANYTHING he used to do that he said made him happy. If you don't believe what they believe your "an idiot" or "stupid". That's what he used to say about grandma and grandpa. How are they any different? What makes her happy makes him happy he says. Brainwashed much? Jeeze."

What can I say to that?

The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964

I feel fat today. Let's be honest I am not thin to begin with but I am just coming off a week at home with no reason to really go out and I was wearing my working clothes all week which are very comfy. So today I have to actually go to town and wear something with a zipper. Yuck. I am also coming down from a week of bloating and I am not quite back to norm. I feel crappy. I smell nice though. It's strange when your kids sniff you when you give them a hug good bye and they tell you how nice you smell. Sweet though. I'll take all the perks I can get. Too bad all those online dating services don't have scratch and sniff....:)

Anyway, Cade unloaded on me last night. We had a little fight just before bed. I told him at 7:45 to finish up on the xbox and save his game because bed time is 8pm. He said ok. 8pm rolls around and he is still on it. I am so beyond that now. Sofie was by the xbox and stepped on something. She bent to pick it up and Cade freaked thinking she was going to turn it off and was shouting at her "No! Sofie No! Don't touch it." She was like, "huh?" Thank God she didn't freak right back at him. I just turned it off and he was all offended. Well, there was a talk involved and he was crying and said he was going to sleep on the floor. I said no. (I am really liking the word no.) I told him to brush his teeth and that was that. After he calmed down he got in bed with me and started talking. At 10pm I finally told him he had to GO. TO. SLEEP. I didn't push it before then though because he was dumping stuff about his dad.

I have to get ready for the boat. I will describe the talk when I get more time. Long afternoon ahead.

Ok...everyone knows the feeling. Things seem to happen all at once. Even when it's not happening to you directly you feel a little overwhelmed or shocked. My friends funeral was last Saturday. The one I mentioned who had the bike accident. I didn't go. I just couldn't. Today I had another friend tell me she just found out her dad has stomach cancer. He is getting an endoscopy tomorrow to see how bad. My stomach just churned. That's very very bad. He is in his eighties so it doesn't look to good. She is going with her dad tomorrow and I told her I had done the same thing with my dad for the same procedure. I don't want to make too many comparisons and say too much. She knows my dad died from cancer. I just feel sick about it all.

As stab and a smile. That's how I felt last Friday when Cade and I were walking to the baylines to wait for Sean to pick him up for the weekend. Cade was saying how confusing it was around his dad and Kathryn because he had a hard time telling if they loved each other or wanted to kill each other. He said how he had told them he didn't like their "public displays of affection" and would feel more comfortable if they did that in private. He said they kiss each other five times before one of them leaves the house. I am sure it means something. His dad laughed at him and said he loved her more than anything and he that it was ok for them to do that. It is natural and he wasn't going to stop. Nice. Then of course when they were first together and have a "disagreement" they would go to another room and whisper fight. Then they would whisper fight where ever they were and Cade said he wished he had popcorn because it was funny to watch. Now they scream and yell and Cade hates yelling, Will is like that too. Mostly I think because Sean would do that and loom over them and be intimidating and scary to get what he wanted from the kids and if that didn't work he would destroy their stuff by smashing whatever it was against walls or the floor. So although Cade loves that they are fighting he hates having to listen to it. Cade hates the fact also that his dad has all these pet names for her that drive Cade crazy. Of course Sean uses sweetie and honey which Cade said means nothing and told Kathryn his dad called me those names too. She wasn't happy. Sean also calls her "beautiful". That gave me a stab. Sean would tell me I was beautiful but never used it as a pet name. When he left he wasn't very nice and made me feel pretty ugly. So Cade was talking about it and said he felt bad to hear his dad tell her that and didn't remember his dad ever saying that about me. I was holding Cade's hand at the time and gave him a squeeze and told him, "Dad used to call me his angel. Remember?" Cade thought about it for a bit and smiled and said he did. I said, "Dad used to tell me I was his angel, that I saved him and how lucky he was to have me in his life. I like to remember dad that way and it makes me happy." Cade was smiling and said he liked to remember dad the way he used to be too. It didn't make him as sad anymore. He said his dad now looks like he is trying very hard to be happy and keeps telling everyone how happy he is but Cade can see the difference. It's like when people act nice to you when you can tell they don't really like you and how your real friends are and that they are really happy to be with you and play with you. Kids are way smarter than we are. Much more observant. I wonder if I said something I shouldn't have by saying what I did but I was honest and I really was feeling happy when I said it. I think he could tell. Speaking of observant kids I love watching the show Supernatural. I record it and the season premiere was last week. Cade likes it too. I don't like that they use language I would rather Cade not hear but he knows better than to use it. So we were watching it last night because Cade hadn't seen it yet and in the plot the two brothers in the show were trying to stop the devil from destroying the world. The brothers though had a big talk at the end of the episode that was very sad. The younger brother had been the one who had released the devil unwittingly but if he had listened to his older brother that wouldn't have happened. There was broken trust between them. Cade said it was very sad and reminded him of dad. He said he could see how much they loved each other, they are family but the younger brother had chosen someone else over his brother who trusted him more than anyone else and because of that everyone might suffer. Cade said he understood why the older brother said he couldn't trust his younger brother anymore. I didn't tell Cade that I had thought the same thing the first time I saw it and it reminded me of Sean too. I cried like a baby when I saw it the first time. There was also a scene where the devil was trying to convince a guy to help him and the guy asked the devil why would he do that and how could he know the devil was telling him the truth. The devil said he never lied. He didn't have to. Cade snorted and said, " People can tell the truth and still be lying." I said, "Oh, how so?" Cade said, " When they don't tell you everything. They only tell you part of the story. If you knew the whole truth then you might think different." I told him that was a good point and he was very smart to notice that. He should talk to his counselor about that. Cade said he might. He said it was something his dad does all the time so taking to jay about it might be ok. Wham. So. That's where he got that from. Kids are thinking all the time aren't they? Who said tv kills all thought provoking conversation?

There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses.
Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 12-06-05

At the end of the season I get a lot of left overs from people. I rather like it. It saves on the food stamps and I can buy other pantry items I need. Yesterday I set out a munch table in order to rid the fridge of stuff. I have so many carrots I am going to turn orange. The kids (Cade and Sofie) came home on the 7pm boat yesterday and I figured instead of dinner we would do something fun and have the munch spread. We had two kinds of humus, guacamole, salsa, carrots, celery with sides of peanut butter and ranch, two types of crackers, fruit (needed to eat or it was going to go bad) and a cake. I had left over frosting from my birthday cake and I didn't want to waste it so I made another cake...:) Why were Cade and Sofie late? I am an idiot that's why. Sean called and asked if he could bring them on the later boat. Normally I don't mind in the summer but during the school year it's 4pm and that's it. I was in a good mood I guess, or a stupid one and I said it was ok as long as Cade was fine with it. Sean said oh yes he was and thanks a lot. So, the kids came home and Cade was grumpy. He said it was the worst weekend ever. He wished he had come home on the afternoon boat. I was confused (see? stupid.) and said I thought he was ok with coming home later. I told him dad had called and asked me and since I thought maybe Cade had wanted to stay a little later I said yes. Cade said that his dad never even asked him if he wanted to stay later and never asked him if it was ok with him. Cade then said his dad and the "witch" were screaming and fighting all weekend and he was sick of it. cade said she had left to go tutor someone that afternoon and that his dad didn't want to bring Cade, Sofie and the other two girls with him on the boat. He said his dad was grumpy all weekend and was being mean and complaining about how hard his life was that he had to work all day then go to school and he should get a break from having to take care of the baby and kids. Apparently his wife wasn't sympathetic and took her anger out on Cade and was yelling at everyone. She blamed Cade for her daughter and Sofie waking her up in the morning. I guess she thought Cade should have kept them quiet. She kept sending Cade to his room which thrilled him to no end because then he didn't have to spend any time with her or "the beast". Then he said the girl has begun walking in on him while he was dressing again. He was so angry that this time he didn't bother telling his dad and he isn't speaking to the woman so he kicked the girl out of his room and she cried and told her mom. Of course Kathryn was angry and told Cade how awful he was and he asked her if she wanted him walking in on her daughter when she was naked. Of course not! Well, then why is it ok for her daughter to do that to him? She just stormed away without answering and never said boo to her daughter about it. So we'll see what happens. It is looking closer and closer like I might have to call DHHS. *sigh* So, no more being nice and accommodating from me. Set pick up and drop off times and that's it. He can just suck it up. Cade is not wanting to go at all next weekend. I hope given some time to cool off this week if he still doesn't want to go he will be able to talk to his dad rationally. So, the transitions seem to be as hard on the kids as ever. Sofie was fine Sunday night but this morning she was tired and really cranky. She thought if she screamed loud enough she could just get her way with anything. I let her scream and then asked her if she thought screaming would get her milk that we didn't have, or make Aiden move from his spot by the table or whatever. I ignored her and didn't pick her up from the floor she had thrown herself down to. I just stepped over her and did my thing. After three times she learned she wasn't getting what she wanted and has been fine ever since. I guess she does what works for her there and thinks it will work here. ha ha...nope. She has been eating like a pig too. She is a pretty bird like eater so it's good she is eating well but I wonder how hungry she was over there. Well, as long as she fine I guess. Sean of course hasn't emailed me about the weekend but I have given up the ghost on that one. I was supposed to take Sofie on a school field trip today sailing and was really looking forward to it. Sofie however is still not in a stellar mood and I was asked to babysit and I need to money too badly to turn it down. As much as I would have liked to go I feel bad Sofie is missing out.

I mailed out the dental and eye bills to Sean today. I am just not going to think too much about that today. I guess I should fold the laundry instead.

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.
Ursula K. LeGuin

It's been a busy few days. I was in town all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday was a whirlwind with ALL the kids with me. I took a wrong turn to the dentist and we were five minutes late. I was stressed and it was only 8am. I checked the email before we left the house and Sean sent me an answer to the therapy question (when he was available) but nothing about the dental insurance. After a long chat with the ladies at the dental office. I paid the bill and when they get the dental info it will be submitted and then I will be reimbursed. Here's the catch, one of many, I still don't have the info. I gave Sean until this Friday to tell me. I didn't tell him what I would do. I no longer tell him about consequences. It doesn't work. Why keep stinging my hand on the electrified doorknob that is Sean? I will just do it. My plan is to call the school and flat out tell them who I am, about the court order and ask for the info myself. If they don't tell me anything, call DHHS and see what they say. In the meantime, I am calling the lawyer on Monday to schedule an appointment for next week. I was supposed to see him on Thursday at 2pm but Sofie got car sick 10 minutes before I was to see him. I called and told him what was going on. He has small kids and had no problem understanding. I cleaned her up and made the next boat home so we got home at 4pm instead of 7pm like planned. I can ask him about what to do about the dental stuff too. The boys stayed in town and saw their aunt and came home on the 7pm ferry. SO, the dentist was $463. Then Cade needed new lenses and that was another $132. I am just lucky I had the money but it was for the car repair so now I am screwed on that for another month. THEN if the insurance reimburses the dental (it doesn't do the glasses) since it is in Sean's name guess who they will send the money to? Do YOU think I will get the money then without some kind of intervention? I am sure it will be MONTHS before I get that money back. As for the glasses, Sean has to pay me in 30 days or I send the bill to DHHS and it will still take months I am sure to get the money for that. I feel like I am so mired in all this "crap" I can't move on. I can't let stuff go that has to go. I can see things changing of course. I am not explaining as much and I am not being so nice. Not mean though. Just, point A, B, C, the end when I inform Sean of stuff. I KNOW he hasn't given me the dental stuff because he is mad at the whole DHHS thing. He is being abusive financially just like they explained in the women's only divorce group I went to. How much is divorce issues and how much is his bipolar? I dunno. What I do know is that even though he wasn't the best with money before the bipolar now he is just unreal. SO much debt and so many lies. Before he always paid the bills and made sure we were ok. He didn't do great with saving, I did that but we never wanted for anything that was needed. It's just so tiring.

Friday Cade had therapy and we talked about difficult conversations again. We cut back to every other week and talked about respect issues. Things are getting to a breaking point with Cade though. We talked about what the criteria for ending sessions should be and we thought being able to handle transitions (of any kind not just with seeing Sean) without being overwhelmed was a good goal. Since Cade doesn't want to see his dad as much and is really beginning to complain big time about having to go I don't think Cade is nearing the closing goal yet. I let Cade complain but he knows I will take him to see his dad period. If he wants to not go he HAS to talk to his dad and discuss it with him and I will comply with their decision. At the moment it has been working out to every other weekend although I don't think either of them has realized it yet. It has been like that for about a month and a half. We'll see what happens next week. Also on Friday was swim lessons. Sofie had her first session. She was so cute. She is a little skittish about her teacher. Her teacher is great though she taught Connor and Cade too. Sofie didn't get into the water much. She had her feet in and got on her tummy and slid in some but as soon as the teacher got near she scampered away like a spider. Sofie also kept putting her goggles on and dunking her head in. I thought she was going to go head first into the watet but she didn't. I was right beside and and the teacher was close by the whole time so I wasn't too worried. Still, she said she had fun and that she was going into the pool next week. I think she just has to get used to her teacher. Cade was moved into the next class for more advanced swimmers and he is very excited. Sean of course never came. The friend of mine who died recently (his name is Robert) was really missed. He was always such a huge presence there mostly because he was one of the few dads who would come. Sean used to come to every class so when he just stopped coming the other moms were really mad at him for the kids sake. Anyway, his daughter Ella wasn't there this week. Her mom wasn't able to bring her. She is trying too hard to do everything herself right now. I did the same thing when Sean first left. I didn't want any one's help. I know the other moms would bring Ella. Hopefully she will be there next week. She is in Sofie's class.

On the walk to the baylines to meet up with Sean (he picked up Cade and Sofie this week) I told Cade that I saw Jessica (an island friend who is Connor's age) the other day and she said hi. Cade started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny and asked him. He said, "Did you know she goes to Deering high school?" (That is the school Kathryn "teaches" at) I said no. Then Cade said, "She has Kathryn as a teacher." Me: "oh really." Cade: " Yeah, she was just telling us ( us meaning a bunch of other island kids who all hang out together in the square)all her teachers names and mentioned her and I asked Jess what she though of her." Me: "oh?" Cade, "Yeah. (pause) Can I have permission to swear?" Me: "What? Why?" Cade: " Well, I want to tell you what Jess said." Me: "uh oh, is Jess swearing again?" Cade: "Well, you know how it is." Cade shrugged. You see Jess and her little brother are great kids. However every kid has a vice it seems and for them it is their language. Their parents swear a lot and so that is what Cade means by, "you know how it is". My kids know I disapprove of the bad language but they are helpful, kind and loyal kids and I figure that makes up for it. I just remind mine that I don't want THEM swearing. So, I though about it....and said, "Well, you know I don't approve but this ONE time I guess you can. BUT you have to whisper it." So Cade leaned in and said, "Jess said she was a fucking bitch and Jess and was real mad too." Me: "No. She said that! Why is she so adamant?" Cade: "Jess said she assigns them stuff and the WHOLE class does the work and when they hand it in she doesn't even remember she assigned it and and gets mad at them telling them they are playing a prank on her. I mean like what kids would do homework on purpose they didn't have to right? She has done it twice now. Then she acts like all the kids lover her and tells them how great a teacher she is. They just laugh at her and she thinks they are laughing with her not AT her. The other teachers don't like her and are always fixing her mistakes with hall passes and stuff or helping the other kids try and understand her worksheets because she explains them five different ways. Jess called her other names too just not as bad like dirt bag and other stuff I can't remember. Jess said she has some tough teachers and nice ones but ALL the kids call her the, well...the you know." I didn't say anything for a minute then said, " Does Jess know who she is to you?" Cade, " She didn't. I told her and Jess said well, there's another reason why she is such a witch with a b. Now the kids will like her even less." Me: "How did that make you feel?" Cade: "Well, I always knew she was stupid. I mean do you even KNOW how many times she has lost things...in the freezer? Like her cell? She puts her knife in the plugged in toaster so many times and hasn't gotten zapped I wonder if getting zapped is just a myth. I am glad someone else hates her like I do. I guess I am glad someone sees her for who she really IS without even knowing what she has done to me or Sofie or Will. She acts like she is perfect but let me tell you, when she thinks we are asleep she has a mouth. You think what Jess said was bad? I have heard words I don't even know what they mean mom. She just swears and says means stuff about people. She's a flat out hypocrite! And dad, dad doesn't say anything. He just lets her rant. She is a swearing vampire. By the light of day her nice mask come on and at night the evil swearing vampire comes out to make every one's ears bleed!" I lost it. I truly did. I know mom handbook 101, DON'T laugh at your kids when they make fun of others ESPECIALLY the other parent or step parent but his speech was so darn......oh my goodness, swearing vampire? I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee. Once I was calm. I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have done that. He asked me not to tell his dad or Kathryn he had said those things. I said I wouldn't but he should tell Jay (his counselor) about the swearing and how he feels Kathryn is two faced and maybe Jay had some ideas on how to deal with it. Cade said he would think about it.

As for therapy for Sean and me...it's over. I told Sean when I could meet him. Fridays any time between 9am and 1pm and he said he could meet at 4pm. I would have Sofie then so that wouldn't work and the counselor couldn't meet then either. I called her back and told her what Sean said in his email and she said she understood my reasoning for why I picked the day I did and knew I had to work for the kids especially without getting the child support. Sean could have offered once a month if he was working or tried to come up with another plan but his effort is lacking and so she was going to close the case. I told her I would email him and let him know and that was that. Another thing I have to talk to the lawyer about next week. Do I need to amend the divorce? *sigh*

I guess I will go have some dinner now.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert (1821 - 1880)

Well, I got a call back from the lawyer. Sean's lawyer has withdrawn from him because of non-payment so he is on his own. The hope was that my lawyer would call his lawyer and then she would remind Sean of his obligations and along with a letter informing him of the intent to file a motion of contempt if he didn't comply with the court order for the taxes might motivate him to pay it or even call the IRS himself and make some kind of arrangement. So since Sean no longer has a lawyer I am going to be on my own I think. I have an appointment to see the lawyer tomorrow but he is going to call me this afternoon and we'll see what the next move should be. I can't hire him. He is helping me this much because he is appalled with Sean. I would have to file contempt myself. I suppose I could try the free lawyers but it takes a long time to get one. I tried it before I got the one I have now and I have a short amount of time before the extension for the taxes run out. The lawyer said he would help me with the contempt papers. It is so nerve wracking. I suppose I will call the free lawyers anyway and see what they say after I talk with my lawyer today. IF I hired the lawyer he would ask for legal fees from Sean but I don't have the upfront money. I have to put my thinking cap on and see what I can come up with. I don't want to spend more than it would cost to just pay the taxes myself in the first place just to prove a point. That would be stupid. I just don't understand why no on sees how much his life is falling apart. How DOES he hide everything? How much is that woman enabling him to the point where he looks like he is doing ok? I hope things go ok for me today. I am feeling nervous.

Oh yeah, I also had to email Sean about if he was available to have sessions on Friday. I told him he had to get back to me by Thursday. After I talked with the counselor about doing these sessions or not I told her it wasn't her. I just felt Sean was not being honest and the lack of follow through was not building trust like the sessions were supposed to help build but doing the opposite and making trust erode even further. It is better to not have sessions and have hope that things might be better for the kids sake than just be able to accept things for what they are and that is that Sean says one thing and does whatever he wants. It is easier to just not count on his words and accept his actions good or bad. I told her I would want her to hold him more accountable. If he says he will do something then doesn't then have him answer the tough question of why? I will not accept, "I tried." anymore. Try and tried are "out" words so you can get out of responsibility. I think the point of using those words are the fact they aren't used often. Then they have true meaning and the effort you put in shows. Sean on the other hand says he tried with a shrug and a snicker. The meaning, the effort, is missing. I am willing to accept reasons but not excuses. He didn't even bother with excuses. So, I doubt he will get back to me. He still hasn't answered me about the dental insurance I need for tomorrow so I am not holding my breath. I told the counselor that I would call her Friday with his answer (if he even gives one) and if he has the time then we can try if he doesn't or doesn't answer we will close the case and I will have to call the lawyer again to have the divorce amended. Yak.