Our Island Family Life: December 2009

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Not looking good so far...

3 comments Posted by perphila at 1:02 PM

It's snowing again. My nose is still clogging and I can't stand he weight of my glasses on my nose so I am practically blind. My eyes are watering and now I'm very tired. I slept really well last night though. I woke up a lot but when I was out I was out and amazingly enough Will and Cade got up with Sofie and I was able to sleep in until 11:30. I cheated though and used ear plugs. I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all if I could hear them. I had to try really hard to "let it go" and not get up and just take care of myself.

Will is still having friends over for new years but we cancelled our Chinese because I just can't go into town and I have no ambition to cook. He combined his party with the other Will and they moved it to the hall. The other Will's mom will be there to supervise. My Will is the island teen rep and made it a youth party so they could use it. Abuse of power? lol. No, he had the go ahead from the other committee reps. So the teens will be there until after midnight then they will clean up and split up to sleep here and the other Will's houses.

I feel bad no not be up to "partying" but that's how it goes. I will be coming into the new year sick. Wonderful.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Bleah...

1 comments Posted by perphila at 10:08 AM

My cold is still making my life miserable. I slept a little better last night. If waking up every half hour because you literally couldn't breathe counts. I highly doubt I will be able to feel well enough to go into town tomorrow to do anything. Today is simply a no go. Cade is the only one who hasn't gotten sick. He is cooking breakfast today. He made a menu and Will is showing him how to cook sausage and hard boiled eggs. Even though this is helping me out by letting me rest he doesn't feel burdened and is having fun. He made a a piece of bacon and was very proud of himself.

Will is also doing his part. He said he is going into town today to pick up juice and medicine. I am so very lucky to have him. Connor is feeling almost as bad as me. He is taking a shower now hoping the steam will help his nose. Sofie is a mess....lol. She needs a shower too. Her hair is pretty scary looking after last night. I didn't braid it. She was playing in her new hair stuff box this morning (xmas gift from grandma) and had stuck barrettes and scrunchies all over the place which made it worse. After Connor is done I will have to put Sofie in. I am ready for a nap though. I need to rest up and get over this.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Must Sleep

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:22 AM

From 10pm until 3am this morning Sofie was whimpering and crying. Her tummy hurt and she threw up, her knees hurt and she had a high fever. So, of course that meant I wasn't sleeping either. She would be calm just long enough for me to think I was going to be able to sleep then she would start up again. I was sick myself with a clogged nose and trouble breathing. Headache and low fever. I put in a movie for her to take her mind off the pain. It was the only thing that was able to give her little calm cat naps during that time. Thank you Disney. We slept in to 8:30. I would have kept on sleeping but once I heard her stir I was awake. Like all colds once you wake your nose becomes instantly full and I couldn't go back to sleep. I feel worse now than yesterday. Sofie of course bounced right back and is fever free and feels great. Well, at least one of us does. Connor is sick like me without the fever but with a sore throat. I am sure Will's little xmas day sickness did this to us. I couldn't go to town to shop today for food because one, I didn't want to leave Sofie and two I am too sick and tired to do so. It's times like these I miss having Sean around....of course towards the end he couldn't leave the house much anyway due to his phobias so...whatever.

New Years is almost here. I said this before but I'll say it again, I don't make resolutions. It is just a set up for failure. I would rather try hard every day to be a better person than make a goal (which on new years are always way too high) and fail. I do try and think about what I would like for the new year though. I would like to not get kicked out of my home. I would like to lose a few pounds but I'm not freaked about that. I would like Connor to be ok and functional. I would like, Sean to go back to his pdoc and back on his meds with the hope he will become stable enough to pay the child support. I would like the kids to have a dad who gave them the time of day. I would like to be able to see my writing become a paying job. Some money would be nice. Nothing crazy. Enough to pay my back bills and to pay the normal things. Oh, and I would like my island car to run. I don't need a new one, I just want the one I have to work. I guess that's all I want to the new year. See? Too much to ask.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

What's Next?

2 comments Posted by perphila at 9:49 AM

Today it is raining and dark. Sofie slept until 9am! I have a chili going in the crock pot and we are just relaxing. I have been writing and doing chores here and there. Sofie has been watching her new movies she got for xmas. All were only 99 cents a piece. She is very happy. She has also informed me I am now a grandma. She got a little baby doll she has named Toby and I am it's grandma. Lucky me. She is pretty funny. She also told me today that she has a mumma but no dad. I am her parents she said. Again, lucky me. She has also been playing with her new sleeping bag Cade got her from Goodwill. It cost him $4.99 but she screamed when she got it. She put it on her bed last night and used that instead of getting in the sheets. She uses it for a hide out and to pretend she is a worm.

Will is starting to feel better. He has been congested but he hasn't thrown up since xmas day. Maybe we can go visit family soon.

I want to take a nap.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Let it Snow

0 comments Posted by perphila at 2:12 PM

It snowed today and we are recovering from xmas. Our day started late of course and Sofie was a mess when she got home. Her hair was a disaster and she has exhausted. We had to wait to open presents a while longer until she was able to calm down. She was crying and didn't know what she wanted. Once she was settled a bit we did the present thing. Will got me some tea from a new store. It cost him $25. It was amazing. He brewed a batch for all of us and it was very relaxing. Cade got me a necklace from the school store. He really worked hard earning the money to get presents for all of us. I forgot to mention that when I dropped the kids off Sean gave me some presents for Will and Connor. He never called Will on his birthday. I guess he thought this would make up for it. Will opened his two gifts when I got home. Each of them got two things. So either Will got one birthday, one xmas gift or two xmas gifts and Connor got two xmas gifts. Either way Will got less. Will got a used cd and a gift card. Connor opened one present and saved the other for xmas day. He got a used book. Now, I don't have a problem with used gifts. When you have little money it's very practical. I got all the kids stuff from Goodwill and the dollar store myself. The boys were a bit, I dunno what the right word for it is. They knew full well Sean was buying jewelry and brand new or expensive things for his new family so it was like he was giving them leftovers. It was insulting. What was worse was what Sean gave Connor for his other gift. We laughed about it when he opened it and made jokes but I'm sure he was hurt deep down. Know what it was? It was Connor's hard drive for his xbox. The hard drive his dad used Connor's store points for and earned himself. Sean didn't get Connor anything. He just wrapped something Connor had bought himself. Something Connor didn't even ask his dad to pick up for him or had given him permission to use his points for without Connor being there. So, in the end all he got from his dad for xmas was one used book. How sad is that? Cade said the girl had a whole table full of gifts. Him and Sofie combined had about half of that. It isn't the amount of gifts that bothers the boys. They were very happy with what they got here even though it wasn't much and nothing expensive. It was the fact the things I got fit who they are. They were thoughtful. What bothered them was seeing a physical, outward display from their dad of how much he favors the new family. It really hurts them and I have no xmas spirit for Sean. I would love to see the kids pain physically manifest on Sean. He would be covered in blood. ho. ho. ho. Yes, I am a terrible person. I am feeling very protective mom right now so ...whatever.

So, you won't believe this. I found the present. I felt SO stupid. We all had a good laugh over it. The kids saw me looking furiously for it and I was feeling pretty low. My memory must be going down the tubes. Guess where it was? Guess!

I had already wrapped it and had it under the tree! Yep. Duh! So Cade opened it and there it was. I shouted, "That's where it was!" I won't be living this down for a long time...if ever.

To top this "wonderful" xmas, after dinner but before we had cleared the table I got up to use the bathroom and I heard a thump. Sofie had bumped her head on the table. She was crying and carrying on. I scooped her up and brought her to my bed to comfort her and check her head. I asked Will to get the ice pad from the freezer and on his was back I heard Connor and Cade start shouting and Will whipped past my door to the bathroom. Connor came rushing in and said Will got sick. Sure enough Will was puking in the bathroom and Sofie was screaming in my ear. They had to do this at the same time didn't they? Luckily everyone was still in a good and helpful mood. Connor cleaned the mess in the dining room and Cade got the ice pad for Sofie. Will was only sick twice but he missed the toilet and got it in the sick which of course got plugged. I spent my xmas evening doing laundry and unclogging the sink. Despite all that we had a good day. Even though I cried, even though the kids were kind of a wreak either physically or emotionally. We made the best of it and I am hoping New Years will be even more fun. At least we don't have to deal with Sean....see better already!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

0 comments Posted by perphila at 6:37 AM

So, I think I may be slightly psychic. My day yesterday had a few more bumps. Sean was late getting the kids. I called him twice but he didn't answer the phone. I called the first time because we were early so he could come earlier if he wanted. I left a message. The second time because he was late. I didn't bother leaving a message the second time. While we were waiting Sofie was talking about Sean and using his name. Cade said that his dad was starting to get bugged by her doing that and asked him who at home was telling her to call him by his name. Cade said no one was. We aren't. Sean thinks we coach her into calling him Sean and his wife mean witch. We don't. I told Cade not to worry about it. Then I told him how I used to call my dad by his first name for a while too. I was pretty young. Under seven anyway. I heard everyone else call him that so I did too. Didn't seem weird to me at all. Then my grandma got mad which made me want to do it more. :) Anyway, I outgrew it. I think if Sofie outgrows this phase it will depend on Sean. If he acts like a real dad then that's what she will call him. As I said, she is trying to find out what her family is right now. Observing other families and comparing. She tells people out here a lot that she doesn't have a dad. Wait and see I guess. Then Cade said, "Merry Christmas to me I get to sleep on the floor." I kind of laughed then said, "What?" Then he told me how her parents were coming over for Christmas and he got kicked out of his bed so they could sleep there. I asked him why he didn't just sleep on the couch. He said he asked to but then the little girl cried and said if he did that Santa wouldn't come. So he gets some blankets and the floor. I guess my feeling on that is if you have beds or a couch or something for your kids and they chose to sleep on the floor. So be it. Goodness knows mine have done that. To have something available for them and forcing them to sleep on the floor. That I am not ok with. Still, there is nothing I can do about it.

Part 2

I wrote the first part of this before I was supposed to leave to get the kids. I went down to the boat and no boat. I called the bay lines and they changed the holiday schedule. Normally on a weekday we have to leave at 6:10am and 7:45 weekends and holidays. Now holidays are noon time. I cried the whole walk home. Now I wouldn't be able to meet the kids at 10am and bring them back. I have tried calling Sean for over and hour now to tell him I can't be there and that he will need to bring them back. He isn't answering his phone. I have left two messages as well. I know he might be opening presents and stuff but that's no reason not to answer. What if one of the boys were calling? This is kind of a emergency thing here and I have no way of letting him know. I want to cry all over again. Merry Christmas right?

I made myself a cup of tea and I am just going to try and chill.

So anyway, on my previous stuff. Sean was late picking the kids up yesterday. I had things to do in town and because he was late that made me late to catch the next boat home. I almost made it too. I was right there at the gate when they closed the boat doors and pulled away. *sigh* So I was pretty mad. It was just because I was SO close. If he had been on time I would have made it with time to spare. So, suck it up what can I do? I didn't want to walk all the way back to the garage with my bags and stuff so I thought I would grab something to eat. That would kill some of the 3 hours I had to wait for the next boat. The place I go to that I can afford and not walk forever was closed. Arrgghh. I had, had it. I went back to the bay lines and sat. If I had a book with me I would have been thrilled. Three hours of me time and a book. I didn't have one and the nearest book store was a little walk, which again would have been fine if I didn't have three heavy bags with me to lug. I wonder if the bay lines would consider installing lockers like a bus station? If you have to pay for them they might make a little profit for them. I was really wishing they had some right then. I had my laptop but no cord. I was saving it for the boat so I could write. I didn't want to kill my battery. I dug through Sofie's bag and found Cade's game boy and played that for a while. A couple of Will and Connor's friends were there and they saw me and came over and we took turns playing. I was getting pretty into the game so I must have looked funny because they were laughing at me. The game makes you move the game boy all over the place and I was walking around trying to get out of the sun to see better. So my little shouts of yes! and what! no! must have been a riot. Another friend of theirs showed up with a brand spanking new drivers license and they took off. I wished them well and hoped they didn't get killed. I called people and killed minutes. I read every free paper I could find. Usually people I know are around and we chat but since it was Christmas eve there wasn't anyone around. I did run into a lady who is friends with Sean's parents. She was going with a friend to another island on a different boat schedule than me so we only got to talk for about 10 minutes. She asked me how I was doing. She knows the deal. I asked her is she wanted me to say I was fine or be honest. She said honest. I said I was ok under the circumstances and filled her in on Sean not paying the child support and not speaking to Will and other things. She was very upset and disappointed in him when he left us and started his affair. She has known him his whole life. She no longer hugs him when she sees him and doesn't speak with him anymore. She was very sad to hear he was still being so hurtful and asked that we get together sometime. That was nice.

Sean just called back. He was very clip and sounded irritated with me. He said he would bring them home at 4pm. That is 4 hours later than I expected. I didn't get mad but asked him why he wasn't bringing them on the time that was planned for today. He said he had company this morning and it wouldn't be "cool" for him to take off for three hours. I told him I understood he had company but these were his kids and they need to take his first priority. What does Cade want to do? He was expecting to come home by noon time. Sean said he would be fine and that he had stuff to keep him occupied. I said I was sure he did but that wasn't answering my question or addressing Sean's priorities which should be his children and not his company. He said in my email the other day I had said the 4pm boat would be ok if he brought them so......

I replied I was explaining options that were available to us in the email. Not that is was ok and I asked him in the email what would be workable for both if us. He didn't answer my email so he had no right to use that as an excuse. This was also before we agreed on this boat and told our kids what was happening. Now that they have expectations we both should do what we can to keep them. Granted the boat schedule was outside both of our control and I have no control to be able to be there to get them. The only person between us to keep the trust with the kids was him. He just said he would be in of the 4pm boat. This makes me so....I dunno. If he had called me earlier I could have gotten a water taxi to come get me and then I could have brought the kids back on the 10am. It would have cost me a whole lot more money but then I would have done what I could to get them home on time. Will said he would even pay for the taxi for us. Isn't he sweet? I didn't want to use this option if he was going to bring them himself on the 10am boat. So, because he didn't answer the phone he cut me out of another option. Connor is jumping at the bit to open his presents but was cool with the idea of waiting until noon. Now he has to wait until 4pm. I suppose he doesn't really have to wait but he promised Cade he would and he isn't going back on his word like Sean did to Cade last year. When I came back from the dock this morning he asked me what was going on and I told him. Well, he was getting more frustrated than I was that his dad wasn't answering his phone. I finally told him to go play his xbox (lol, who would have thought I would say that!) and that I would let him know as soon as I knew. After the call, Connor came down the stairs and I told him 4pm. He asked me why his dad wasn't taking the 10am boat. I told him his dad had company and the 2:45 was easier for him. Connor just shook his head. He said, "Company? Doesn't he know Cade wants to come home?" I just shrugged. "Sucks to be Cade." was all he said and he went back upstairs. So, the award for pissing your kids off at Christmas time for the third year in a row is...Sean! I told Connor he could call his dad and ask him to bring his brother and sister home if he was so upset but he said he wasn't going to bother. His dad was going to do what he wanted anyway. He isn't even going to call him to wish him a Merry Christmas. It wasn't like Sean asked to speak to Will or Connor when he called earlier. He could have asked to wish them a Merry Christmas while he was on the line. Nope. Connor called him the year before last and Sean didn't want to talk with him about what Connor wanted to and said, "It's Christmas, do we need to talk about this today?" Connor told him it shouldn't matter what day it is when he needs to talk with his dad. Sean kept repeating, it's Christmas, it's Christmas over and over until finally Connor said, "Yes, it's Christmas and if I hadn't called you would you have called me?" I guess the question took Sean off guard because he didn't answer and Connor said, "See? You wouldn't have. So stop saying it's Christmas because it really doesn't mean anything to you anyway."

You know what's even more stupid than that? Me. I actually apologized to him at the end of the conversation about not being able to be there and that the earliest I could leave here would be noon. No matter which of us got the kids the earliest they could be here is 4pm now anyway. I was trying to keep things civil I think by doing that but still....it is his duty by court order to be bring them back anyway. I am too nice sometimes. I tried.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Bad Day Coming?

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:33 AM

The door to my tv stand fell off. My Peanuts Christmas video snapped. The present is still missing. Sean didn't email back about how the kids are supposed to come home tomorrow. My cheese for my salad tomorrow went bad. I have no books to read for the boat ride. Ack.

Positives...positives. Well, I had a nice shower. Oh, but something is wrong with the water pressure or the shower head. I don't know which. Ok. I can't think of anything else good at the moment. I can only hope the rest of the day goes ok. I will try and stay focused. That will help. I had better get ready. Maybe I will do something in town for the hour I have to kill after I drop off the kids and before the boat leaves. It isn't much time when you have to walk.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Creepy guy part 2

2 comments Posted by perphila at 4:41 PM

I forgot to mention another great thing about going to town the other day was I got to miss out on getting hit on by the creepy guy again. Seriously, the guy is sketchy. I let him part a truck in my driveway (what there is of it) to fix a break line for another guy. Well, if I had realized the other guy had a driveway of his own I would have told him to park it there. I was trying to be nice and figured it would be done a week or two tops. Well, at least a month or more later it's still there and he hadn't been back since he asked me what I "liked". Will was home and called me in town and told me he was there trying to fix the truck. Thank goodness right? Well, I think he knew he had to do something about it because I talked with the guy who plows the road here and he was worried about not being able to get around it well enough. I told him he could do whatever he wanted with it and so him and another guy are going to move it to the yard of the guy who owns the truck. I doubt it was a coincidence that Mr. Creepy showed up a day after my phone call. Anyway, while he was here he left a coloring book for Sofie and a box of chocolates for me. I should feel grateful about that but I really don't. I told a friend about the chocolate on the boat ride home and she told me he had asked her if she would cut his hair for him. She said no. I am not the only one who thinks he is on the creepy side of the mat. What a sneak. I guess if anything you have to give him an A for effort. Even if he scares the crap out of you.

Birthday and are you kidding me?

2 comments Posted by perphila at 1:26 PM

Yummmm, cake. Will couldn't wait to open his present this morning and he did that before I even had the cake baked. Cade, Connor and I all pooled our money and got him a heated back massage pad you put in a chair. He was very happy. Now after a long day of hauling traps he can shower and relax his muscles. Cade and I made the cake. Lemon with vanilla frosting and sprinkles. I got letter candles (since we were out of regular ones anyway) at the dollar store that spelled out happy birthday. We took a picture of it so I will try and post that another time. Sofie really wanted to blow the candles out but Will beat her to it. It was funny. Then I asked her how old Will was and she said she didn't know. I asked her, "How old are you Sofie?"

Sofie: "I am three!"

Me: "How old is Connor?"

Sofie: "Four..."

Connor: "teen!"

We all laughed. So far there has been nothing from Sean wishing his oldest son happy birthday. I don't expect there will be either. If Will is lucky (?) he will get some kind of card or present sent home with Cade after Christmas. He did that last year. Last year he gave Will some candy bars for his birthday and xmas present. Since Cade told us at the same time the woman their dad had his affair with was now pregnant and had been before the divorce it all went over pretty badly. It was like, "Oh, here you go, have some candy bars and by the way that woman you hate is knocked up. Merry Christmas!" Yeah, it was bad. Anyway, I got online today to email Sean to let him know what boat we were coming in on and there was one there already from him to me. He asked me what boat we were coming on and then asked me to pick up the kids on Christmas. Well, I was pretty bugged. First off, there was nothing in the email for Will. No happy birthday wishes, nothing, He was obviously able to email me so did he email Will? No. Second thing that bugged me was him asking me to get the kids as well as drop them off. I was doing that the whole time we were apart before we divorced. It's not a new thing. I guess what bothers me is several things. He could (should) be using the boat time to spend some one on one time with his kids. He would rather give up that time with them to be with his new family. He doesn't want his xmas day to be taken up by travel with his children. You darn well know the new whor...wife..sorry, doesn't want to share him. Her and her children come first over his own kids. He, of course makes the choice to do what she wants no matter how that makes his kids feel. I also despise the fact he thinks his life and his plans are more important than mine. Of course Amy can drop everything she is doing to accommodate me. Uh no. The judge at the divorce told him he had to do half of the travel and she wasn't very nice about his taking advantage of the situation. I thought about telling him to take a flying leap and bring them back himself. I finally got out of my foul mood to make a nice dinner for all of us when they got home. Now I am supposed to find a way to do both? In the end I replied I could get them but in order for me to do everything I had planned he had to meet me for the 10am boat if he couldn't do that then he had to bring them back himself. We'll see what he says. If he agrees, which I think he will since his goal is to get rid of the kids anyway then we will all be home by noon instead of them coming home at 4pm or 7pm. He was never even planning on having the kids visit their grandparents either. So, after we visit my family this week I will stop by there on our way home. We have some presents for them anyway to drop off. I really wonder sometimes if he wishes our kids never existed. Goodness knows he wishes I didn't.

Also, I looked in five more places for my missing present. No luck. I feel horrible....only one more day to look for it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas Party Pictures 2

0 comments Posted by perphila at 6:02 PM

Craft Day Photos, can you spot my two?

0 comments Posted by perphila at 6:00 PM

Another great gift for our daughters

2 comments Posted by perphila at 5:35 PM

Busy..busy..

0 comments Posted by perphila at 2:36 PM

So I am finally feeling the late minute crunch. I went shopping yesterday afternoon and got all my stuff done. I do have a few things to pick up for other people who we will be seeing later in the week so I am in no rush. One thing I am really upset about is that I spent actual money on a dvd for the whole family and now I forgot where I hid it. Crap. I have looked in all my usual hiding spots. I have one more place to check but my feet hurt right now so I will do that later. The reason I want to wait is because I know once I start looking around my cleaning bug will hit me and I will wind up "since I'm here already I might as well...." and lose at least an half an hour of my time.

Sofie is napping and I am babysitting today. He is at my feet playing with matchbox cars. Good news on that front is after Christmas week I will be working every single day except for or two off days for the next three months. I feel a little better. I also got some money today which was nice. It covers most of what I spent yesterday.

Sofie had a hard time letting me go when I went shopping. I didn't take her with me because I was looking for some things for her and I wouldn't be getting home until 7pm. It was really windy. I had a sitter (free!) and she cried and held me and said, "Oh mumma, I won't ever see you again!" It was sad but so cute at the same time. I told her I was only going to the store and I would bring her back a treat. She seemed ok after that. She has never really had attachment issues overall. She doesn't like to leave on weekends with her dad. I think that has less to do with him than the environment in it's entirety. She is beginning to have a hard time going to bed at night and usually slips in with me at some point after I fall asleep. She doesn't like sharing my time with her brothers. I think it's all about needing reassurance. I always give it but she doesn't get it on her visits so then she worries about that happening here. Anyway, more of my own selfishness here, I felt since I was in such a bummy mood some time away by myself would be good. I chatted with friends on the boat and I felt useful when I was able to give a friend a ride to their car. I did my thing and I was feeling really good. I didn't buy much but the radio was on and that was fun. I decided to do a Christmas dinner after all. I got some food for it and our usual traditional things. I saw a guy who used to live out here but moved in town and that was unexpected. We chatted for a bit he said, "Are you trying to make the boat?" I said, "Yeah, don't you miss it!" He shook his head no and laughed. I spent my grocery card I got at the party but didn't use it for presents like I had planned. I got trash bags instead. Since we are technically within "city limits" we have to buy city trash bags. They are $7.50 for a bag of five. Nuts huh? I used my whole $20 card on them. I should have some to last for a while. I was happy to not have to spend my own money for them for a change.

I really should send out email xmas cards today. I can't really afford to do normal ones this year. I ran out of my backup supply and I would have to buy more stamps. I am going to make cookies with Sofie today or maybe tomorrow for Santa. We won't have enough time on Christmas eve day since she is leaving. I am making Will's birthday cake tomorrow. That will take up some time. I am so glad to did my wrapping today. More later....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

What time is it?

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:39 AM

I got a call to unexpectedly work yesterday. It was ironic that the night before thinking I wasn't going to work I stayed up really late reading. I haven't done that in ages. So I was dragging, but grateful. I had been told it would be until 4pm but it turned out to be a half day. Their boat wouldn't start and they had to go into town to get parts and stuff. So a broken car then a broken boat. That really stinks. Plus I also lost 2 and half days work.

Today it snowed and it was really dark for a long time. Even Sofie slept in to almost 8am. I read a book. Yes, the whole thing, because I can and I am a fast reader. There was no squabbling with the kids. I made a quiche for breakfast which Sofie loves. I think she has been looking a little thin lately. Maybe it's just me. She doesn't have much of an appetite but that seems to come and go in waves for her. She had almost half the quiche all on her own though. I finally have her napping on a schedule again. Which is good for both of us. She has been having bad dreams at night lately though. I can hear her whimpering and crying in her sleep every night. She winds up coming in bed with me at some point most nights. I don't go and get her unless she gets really loud because she thrashes and then falls out of bed. She is really paranoid about her hair. She keeps telling me that the "mean mean witch" told her she needs to get a hair cut. I think after Christmas I will get it cut. It is long and I never said it wasn't. I just think that if that woman keeps saying things to Sofie that causes her to be scared and have nightmares consciously or not and I can do something to maybe stop it I should. I am well aware that after I get her hair cut the woman will find something else to bad mouth about me and frighten Sofie. I will deal with that when it comes. I hopefully if I do this it will give Sofie a break for a little while and I can be there for her first hair cut to show her it isn't a big deal. Goodness knows they won't be supportive of her. We sat in my bed this morning, her on my lap and we brushed out her hair. We brushed for about half and hour. She had really matted it during the night. I usually braid it before bed a la little house on the prairie. That keeps her from getting knotty and it only takes a few minutes to brush. I didn't last night so it was my fault. Still, I think she likes the time with me. She brushes my hair afterwords.

I was feeling a little bad off and on today thinking about dealing with these little problems that seem so preventable and stupid. Things I just haven't quite adjusted to having to deal with in my life. I hid away in the bathroom to cry for a bit. I don't have much privacy when all the kids are home so the bathroom is the only place. I was only about 5 minutes or so and it helped. I was thinking about Sean again and wondered if he even knew me at all. He probably didn't and only cared about what I could do for him. It was never about him not loving me or believing in me anymore like he said. He said I was the one holding him together when he was at his worst. I know that is true. I have kept him from harming himself many, many times over. Still, I should have said more about what I wanted and what I needed more than I did. It was very hard to be so conscious all the time of what I might say or do that would make him feel bad and get him down on himself or angry with himself all the time. I spoke up as much as I felt I could. In the end though I think I really short changed myself. I feel like every time I do or sometimes even think it I am being selfish and bitchy or whiny. Was I always this way or it a learned condition for all those years with him? I don't know and it's a good reason to be by myself for a while to figure it out. I feel really lonely though at times. I miss and sometimes dream about times I had with him when we just hung out and talked about stuff. Times when we said nothing and just watched tv or read books in different chairs with music playing. Just time shared. It really is a different feeling than when it's just me doing the same things with the kids. When there is another person there you feel comfortable with and happy with, even when you are doing nothing. A best friend you can hold hands with and nod off around. I miss those things. Honestly, it's scary to realize that realistically, I won't have that again. It feels even worse to know those feeling were only ones I had. It was not even the truth and I never shared anything at all. He used me to feel good about himself and to keep from being honest with himself. I kept him alive literally and when he found someone else to support him financially and someone he thought was more beautiful he was gone. He wanted a new outer image and I didn't fit it. If one more person tells me, "well at least you have four beautiful kids" I think I scream and think about kicking them. I just don't care about that right now. I know that. I appreciate that. Aren't I more than just a mom though? What about my own wants and needs and desires? See? Selfish. There are times when I think it's all my fault anyway. My bad decisions. Bad choices. My mistakes. My life is screwed up and stinks because of me. Sure Sean is an ass. He lied, cheated, stole and is an all around selfish bastard. He is an equal opportunity jerk who hurts more than just me but every one he comes in contact with eventually. The system sucks for not putting him in jail his theft and scams and dead beat dad stuff. Well, life's not fair so I can't feel as angry about that as I probably should. Sean does have certain circumstances for his god awful behavior. I do not excuse it though just because of his depression and bipolar and anxiety. I wouldn't excuse a drunk for beating his wife either. I just can try and see where it's coming from. I feel bad that this was something that was snowballing for years and I had no clue how to help not just him but our family. Well, what's done is done. I hurts to miss the lie I loved. The lie that I had a husband who loved me.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Crafts and Insanity

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:44 AM

I never did say how craft day went did I? Well, it was fun. Sofie was great, behaved and did all the crafts. She made a necklace and threaded the beads all by herself. It was a craft of one the teachers did and she was impressed at Sofie's hand eye coordination. The boy I babysit was there. It is so interesting to see how different he is when he isn't here. When he is here is listens, shares, takes a nap without a fuss and is rather quiet. I mean he is loud in the sense he is always making noise. Car noises and humming or taking but not yelling or screaming, that kind of thing. Well, he was running and loud and trying to touch everything. He tried to take other peoples crafts. His dad was working on a car craft (his mom was working) so I got up and took the crafts he took back from him and put them back on the table. He was not pleased but when he saw it was me taking them he tried to run away. I picked him up and got him working on another craft. I had to redirect him quite a few times and he tried to wiggle away a few times. Ack. So, when he was running and crazy Sofie wanted to do it too. I made her sit. I'm just glad she didn't get too upset since it was her nap time. Otherwise, a good time was had by all.

Connor came home from school and said he went and asked to talk to the school social worker. I am glad he did it on his own. I was going to call her today myself to ask her to talk to him. Now I just have to make a follow up call. He said he told her about what was going on. She asked him why he was missing days and he told her, "I don't know that's why I am talking to you." Nice huh? Well, it could be worse and has been. He is struggling and trying and that is more than he did last year. I don't think he understands or sees the patterns in his behavior. If his therapy doesn't go well he may need meds. Seeing as how it seems to be seasonal. Maybe he needs light therapy or we should be looking at SAD. Lots of possibilities. There are a lot of things I could do for him. Not in the good way either. I want to help him but not do his work for him. If there is anything I learned from Sean and his bipolar and depression is that Connor has to help himself. I need to be a support. I need for him to know I am here and love him and will do what I can but I can't live his life for him. It hurts me, but right now even though things are not that great I am optimistic. What really bothers me is what could happen if his dad tries to get involved. The last time he tried to "help" I had to wait two months before Connor could get his pdoc consult. They tend not to want to see people when the parents threaten to sue them. Good thing they are used to seeing that type of behavior. It was pure dumb luck that Connor was able to pull out of it on his own. It would have been nice if it hadn't taken almost 5 months. I am sure if I had been able to get him help when I tried to instead of later because of his dad the time it took would have been shorter. I wonder if the pdoc could have seen Connor when he was really bad if what he is going through now could have been prevented? Since his dad is in denial of his own mental health issues and from the last I knew still not taking his meds his involvement is problematic. His concern is haphazard at best. Not good when consistency is what Connor needs right now. Today I had to get Connor to eat. He just "wasn't hungry". I impressed upon him how his mood would improve with some protein in him. Not to mention give him some healthy energy and help his headache go away. He thinks I am too pushy and worrying for nothing. That just makes me frustrated. He has a headache and then does nothing to make himself better? No food, fluid or Tylenol? Nothing? Well, I got him full of that stuff and we had another little talk. I kept it short. I don't want to do the lectures. It doesn't help and he tunes out anyway. Short, sweet and show some concern seems to work better and gets him to do what I ask without much fuss. I hate how clinical that sounds and not like real sincere concern but I have to do what works. How can I even get ahead in other things like working and thinking about what I need to do for my own life when this stuff keeps popping up? One step at a time. Amazingly I am not really stressed out about that stuff today. I don't know why but I'm going to go with that...:)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Did I say I was working?

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:27 AM

Work for today was cancelled again. Her car was fixed and they took the train down to pick it up today. So it's a wash. Tomorrow isn't happening because they are doing their xmas shopping instead.

Cade has tomorrow off school so I figured I might go in town with the kids as well. I have to shop for food anyway, also Cade has therapy. I will hit the dollar store and pick up one present a piece for the kids. I got Connor a new backpack at wal-mart last week. Both straps on his broke so I just gave it to him. He knows it's his present. It was a needed item, nothing fun but he seemed to be pretty happy with it. I got stocking stuffers last week from the dollar store when I got the presents for the xmas party. I got some food cards to the grocery store so I think I will use them to get something non food related there. I have food stamps for food and I always make it stretch because I don't always get food from the major food store.

One place I go to about once every two months is a warehouse place. I don't go often because I have to take the highway to get there and it takes a huge chunk of my time. Anyway, it has some past date stuff that is still really good and stuff that wasn't selling for whatever reason at a major chain store. I can get 5 bags of food for $20. What's even better for me now is I can use the food stamps there too. I used to shop there anyway pre food stamp days so I don't feel like crap having to shop there. Just savvy. There is another place I go that has meats and veggies and stuff you can't get at the warehouse place. I also go to the day old bread outlets. I love my freezer. It takes a whole day to do this hop and shop deal but I save money in the long run. I pick a day or schedule a day to do it doesn't get in the way of work or appointments. I like the fact people give me food cards because it shows they care and it's not really just for me I know but the kids as well. I would prefer a card to wal-mart or something like that though. People seem to forget about the fact that you can't get things like toilet paper, diapers, laundry soap, toothpaste and stuff like that with food stamps. You know what else is odd? You can't get hot food with them either. *shrug*

Maybe there should be a program for that kind of stuff? There are places I go to as well for food like food banks but I would be better off to pay things like rent, oil and electricity if I had help for that. Even when Sofie was little and we were in this program for women and infants that gave us coupons for milk, formula, and things like that it never included diapers and wipes. I just think it's a little weird.

I had some free yarn and made a hat. I really stink at it but I finished it and donated it for the homeless. I try and give back, especially since I have had to take so much the past two years. I also got the kids to spend a dollar a piece for a new toy at the dollar store and we donated those as well to toys for tots. We have done that every year since the boys were small. No matter how hard up we are some people are worse than us. We have done a lot more in the past but since my own kids are getting dollar store stuff there isn't much to be said about it I guess. I am feeling good about it though. Cade did do some shopping at goodwill and got some nice things for Sofie and his brothers.

We will be separated for xmas eve and that hurts more than anything. It will be my first time ever away from Cade and Sofie. I really find myself crossing that line and hating Sean for it. Hate is a strong word and I don't like using it especially on a holiday. I will be selfish and say I wish the kids were all together for the holiday. Sean is the one who chose to leave so he should have to wait to see them is my opinion. Is it really better for the kids to see him and be torn apart just to satisfy his needs? I admit I am feeling selfish too and want them here but at least I am trying to think of them too. To wake up on Christmas morning in their own beds where they spend most of their time. With all their family (except their dad of course but that's his choice) around them. Just something else to have to get used to and adapt. It's bad enough knowing Will is most likely not going to be around for many more xmas's with us. I would like for Sofie to maybe have a memory or two of all her brothers around her. I remember when I was 4. Maybe she will too. I am sure this is a big cause of my funk lately.

I have to get Will a birthday present. He is going to be 17! When did that happen? I am making him a cake so that is one present. I try and keep his birthday totally separate from Christmas as possible. It's his day and I know it can get annoying to see it doubled up with xmas presents. I also don't give him less on Christmas because he got some presents only two days before. I have no idea what to get this time. *sigh*

Christmas Party Pictures

2 comments Posted by perphila at 9:05 AM

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Just another xmas picture

0 comments Posted by perphila at 6:31 PM

Something to inspire our daughter's for xmas (note the girl's only in the corner)

2 comments Posted by perphila at 11:38 AM

I'll work again someday

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:01 AM

As I am writing this, I am sitting in bed with the laptop on my knees. Sofie is behind me on the pillows and brushing my hair out. It is kind of painful. She is trying to be careful though. We have a Disney movie on so it's nice and quiet really.

Today is the craft day when we help the kids make presents for friends and family. I really don't want to go. I will though because I need to motivate myself. I am doing something extremely simple. It isn't really a craft. Years ago when the older boys were little my mom gave the kids a little snack sized baggie that had dry oatmeal and glitter in it. There was a note inside that said it was for Santa's reindeer. So every xmas eve the kids would spread it on the lawn. It would be magically refilled every year and to this day even the older boys go out every xmas and "feed" the deer. It is a cute tradition now. So, I got the stuff to make some and printed out the note and we are going to make them for our craft. It may not be much but it cost me $2 to make 20 of them and it means a lot to Cade. There will be the story to go along with it and hopefully the kids will get the whole family togetherness thing. Since today is a half day we are doing it in the afternoon so the kids here don't really miss school. The older boys don't go in on the boat on half days because they spend more time on the boat than in school. Connor is here and is going to help. Will went to school because he has some xmas shopping to do and he is going to use his gift card he got at the party. The restaurant is open from 11am to 2pm then closes and reopens again at 5pm. The later time is not good because of the boat schedule but the earlier time is perfect for the half day schedule.

I have a nasty tummy ache today. I am hoping it will go away by the time we have to be at the hall at 1pm. Otherwise I will really be using Connor to help with Sofie. Do NOT want to do that.

Work. Well, I found out the reason I didn't get to work Monday and Tuesday was because the mom and her son I babysit for were stuck in another state. She has three other kids from a previous marriage and they were here for the party. She was driving them back to their dad. He lives in Massachusetts and we live in Maine. Personally I don't know why he had to move so far away but, there you go. Anyway, her car died in New Hampshire and there she was stuck with four kids. I would have just cried. The car is still there. $1400 worth of repair needed. It always happens at the holidays doesn't it? I had hoped to work today but since it would have been a half day anyway we are just going to wait until tomorrow. She has catching up to do too. We are trying to plan the same day off for shopping. I need to do it and so does she that way I can be here for her and I can earn some money. Crazy scheduling.

I am not a the glass is half full or a half empty person anymore. Instead I am thrilled there is even water, unless it's poisoned.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

New Day, New Stress

1 comments Posted by perphila at 8:39 AM

Sometimes I can't believe there was actually a time in my life where I could wake up, enjoy my morning and have a whole day, whole days when things were normal. Little to no stress at all. Things I had heard other people complain about like crying babies or what to make for dinner and helping the kids get homework done never phased me at all. I would get bored with it from time to time but I was very rarely stressed.

I wasn't even fully conscious this morning when Connor woke me up and told me the boat left without him. I told him to leave me alone. I was furious. Instead I just lay there and berated myself for not calling his therapist last week. Then in that half sleeping state I realized this was the same thing and the same time of year he had holed himself in his room before. Am I a stupid idiot or what? November, December, January and February were hell. Maybe I didn't notice as much because he is admittedly liking school, is more social than before and has a better handle on how he deals with arguments with his siblings. It still happens of course but less often and he usually isn't an instigator like he used to be. He is still pretty detached from the rest of the family but it's improving.

So, I got up for the day I made a big breakfast for everyone. Will was the only one not home. Cade was getting ready for school and my work was cancelled again for the day. I spoke with Connor while I was cooking and told him I wasn't going to beat him over the head with a huge conversation. I told him at 9am he was going to call his therapist himself and schedule an appointment. Even if it's a long way out before he can get in. He nodded. I then told him that when this all started he wasn't getting up on time. We tried different strategies and now after a few failed attempts he was now getting up in time to get ready to leave and in plenty of time to make the boat. One of the big things I was pushing was that he needed to be able to do this himself. I would help him plan, brainstorm and I even paid for a new alarm clock just for him. What I would not going do is get him up myself. After all, he is going to be 15 next month. He isn't going to have his mother around to wake him up for work every day for the rest of his life. I really would like a speaking alarm clock where he could hear me telling him to wake up. That would be really funny.

Anyway, the issue now is that he doesn't leave in time and the boat leaves while he is almost there. Then he has to turn around and walk all the way home. He blames the boat. I want him to be able to see he needs to take personal responsibility for missing the boat and not blame something else. We made sure the clocks were set to bay lines time. I told him he needed to leave when Will does. So far, not much luck. I am thinking of setting the clocks ahead but then that would defeat the purpose of his own responsibility. What bugs me is that people do sometimes miss the boat. Your clock might be off. You might misjudge the time. The car doesn't start and you have to run. Things like this do happen from time to time. Various reasons. The thing is, for the rest of us this happens only once in a while. A couple of times a year maybe. Connor is taking advantage of something that can happen and people can agree has happened to them before. Sean does that. He winds up getting out of things using plausible excuses. I do not want Connor going down the same path. Sean also blames others and other things than being responsible for his own actions and Connor is doing the same thing when he blames the boat. I told Connor while we waited for the appointment we would try another strategy for leaving the house on time. He agreed. Also while he is at home he has to do chores all day. Being here isn't going to be better than being in school. He has to go to the school website and get his assignments and then work for me. Without complaining at all. I called him down to make the call. He was not happy. I could tell even though he wasn't overtly angry. He was just twitchy. He was walking around and around the table with the phone and rubbing his back. We are waiting for a call back now. After he hung up he tried to leave. I told him I wanted to talk to him about what days were good for an appointment. He barely listened and walked away while I was in mid sentence. I had to get him to calm down. Stand still and look me in the eye. I asked him if he was unhappy with making an appointment. He said he was. I reminded him this is what we had agreed to. He said he didn't agree he was being forced. I ignored that since it wasn't true and recognized it was just his mood. I asked him if he thought missing school was good for him. He said no. Then he tried to say how therapy wasn't going to help him and there was nothing wrong with him. I didn't think it was a good idea to remind him that he did this before. Instead I told him I didn't think there was something "wrong" with him. He could tell me he was fine all he liked. What I wanted him to understand was I had to make my decisions based on actions and outcomes. I know he has good intentions and is fully capable to make up his work. The current results I have to work with are: he is missing days which if he doesn't stop will force the school to hold him back a year, missed work which even though he made it all up for last trimester still caused his school website to be slow in catching up to reflect it, that in turn got his father on his case for the wrong reasons which was uncomfortable for everyone, it also made him choose study hall for his intensive week to make up his new missing work instead of something else he could have used for credit or for fun. I asked him if any of these things were good for him. He said no. I said based on this I am going to try any options open to me to help him. He said again it wouldn't help and we should keep trying different ideas. I said we would and that maybe his therapist would have ideas we haven't tried and maybe we could go further in the CBTherapy that would help as well. I told him we were having a longer conversation than needed because of his attempts to run away from me. He just gave me the usual uh huh thing. (Mental scream)

So, there it is. I am stressed about this but my money situation is getting pretty bad. I am trying to ignore it since there is little I can do about it now. I did call DHHS last week but I guess I have to call again. I wake up with headaches every morning because of this. At least today I'm not crying. I was a total mess yesterday. I wasn't focused on one thing. It was just everything. Like I said, it was just one of those days.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Feeling miserable

0 comments Posted by perphila at 1:20 PM

Just one of those days. I woke up tired but felt I had a lot to do. I did things that don't require much thought because my mind was otherwise occupied in being down on itself. Cade was feeling bad and it was showing up in sickness symptoms. I gave him a lot of attention and by mid morning he was feeling better. He is back at school now. I guess it wasn't just me feeling sad today. Sofie has been a good girl and I am grateful. The house is cleaned and picked up. I think I was overtired and it made me have bad dreams last night which is why I kept waking up all night. I don't remember much but I do know the last one was about Sean. I woke up I think more emotionally tired than physically so. I am glad not have to to have anything to do with him for at least a week. In the back of my mind though I am afraid he will call. My fear really isn't about him and more of the stress I feel when I have to deal with him. Not knowing what I am going to have to handle and what kind of person he will be presenting himself as for the day.

Connor came to me this morning and told me that Sofie had told him that Kathryn was telling her she needed a haircut again. Sofie was worried and upset that Kathryn was going to cut it. I had thought the issue over but I guess she has been telling Sofie this on every visit and now Sofie is asking us if this is going to happen or not. Connor was shaking his head and wondering why Kathryn would even say such a thing to Sofie in the first place. Then Cade heard Connor and told him about what she had said to him on Saturday. Connor seemed a little tense and then wondered out loud what her problem was. He said, "What's it matter to her even if you did eat candy in the morning. I mean, I know you weren't but isn't that dad's problem? Dad used to do stuff like that all the time. If anyone was a "bad example" it was him. Besides, if it were me I would have eaten a piece right in front of her since she was being an idiot." This seemed to cheer Cade up a little. Usually Connor is in Cade's face telling him how if things are bad there it's because Cade is overreacting. Connor doesn't want to believe things there are that tense and bad. The few times he has visited she was nice to him and so his visit wasn't representative of the reality. They were trying to be on their best behavior to lure him in. Even so, he heard himself being bad mouthed just not to his face. That ticked him off. Since Cade and Sofie have been going to longest they don't hide it now. Even in the time Will was going it went from best behavior to outright hostility in six months. He had the ability to not go back. Connor is doing the same. Cade wants to but Sofie is a different story. I feel bad today because of her really. She doesn't call Sean dad. She calls him Sean. Today she asked if I was taking her to the mean witch's house and I said no. She said she wanted to see Sean. I told her she would soon. She is very confused about a lot of things. She tells her friends and other adults she doesn't have a daddy. She calls her own dad by his first name. She likes him but also thinks he is loud and scary. She likes some of the other dad's that live here much better. She likes hanging out with them when we have get togethers. I think she misses having a dad even thought she hasn't ever really had one since she was a year old. She sees other kids have dad's and is beginning to question her family. She can see the outright anger and ill feeling her brothers (who she adores) have for Sean and is finding it hard it understand. She is only now really beginning to find her voice and as such it is only a matter of time before the alienation begins with Sean. Since she hasn't been able to speak up for herself he still can delude himself about her feelings for him. I have tried to tell him about her confusion but was shot down so there isn't anything I can do to help her on that front. I feel bad about myself in that I couldn't provide her with the family her brothers had when they were her age. Things were supposed to be even better for her but instead it's all a shambles. I am really beginning to hate the holidays.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Little Better

0 comments Posted by perphila at 12:02 PM

Last night was our island christmas party. I was only stressed a few times during the day. Cade lost his dress socks. I had bought two brand new pair of dress socks and he only had one sock. Not even a single pair. I did manage to find another one but the other pair is probably in Narnia or something. It is really windy and cold and my car is a lost cause so we were getting a ride. Connor chose to shower as we were getting ready to go. I left him behind. He had to walk. I had to be there half an hour before the dinner started to help out. Over all things were great. We had company. We all got to sit together. There was little stress getting the meal out. We had done salads earlier in the day and had fun with all the other island ladies. Joking was nice.

The major stress of the day was dealing with Sofie and Cade when they came home from seeing their dad. They went to see him Friday and came back on the noon boat. Sean has said he can't get time off before 3pm for a while now so he can't get the kids on Friday any earlier. Which is why he isn't coming to Cade's therapy. For some reason he asked to get them at 2pm. I was fine with that. I could get the 2:45 ferry home for a change. I had done a bunch of shopping for the party and it was a big help to get home early. On Saturday I got them and we went straight to the hall for a play practice. Cade was really grumpy. Sofie was tired. They did ok but people could tell Cade was on a tight leash with his patience. When we got home I tried a dress on Sofie and she was crying and cranky. I put her down for a nap and it made a world of difference. She slept almost three hours and would have slept longer but I had to get her up for the party. Cade on the other hand seemed to decompress by telling me and my friend about his horrible morning. On Friday things started out well. Their dad asked him where he wanted to go and he said the mall. So Sean took them there and got Sofie's picture taken with Santa. Then they ate at the food court and Cade saw a friend from another island and he went to talk with him for a bit. After that they checked out the arcade. Cade said it was a rip off. The prizes were smaller for even more tickets than before. Still, this was all good and I was happy to hear Sean was spending one on one time with just his own kids for a change. Then things went downhill. They got back to the house and Sean then left them with his sisters and went out with "the wife" for a date. It was supposed to be a birthday thing for her. Even though her birthday is today, Sunday and he doesn't have the kids today. It would make more sense for them to do something on her actual birthday when he wouldn't have to sacrifice time with the kids. I guess for HER he can take time off work. Cade didn't mind much though because even though his dad was gone at least she was too. He got to see his aunts and he liked that. One of them brought him some candy. That was a mistake I guess. Since he doesn't see her often I personally wouldn't have had a problem with it. The next morning they had to be on the 10am boat for home. While Sean was getting Sofie cleaned up (which is also a good thing and rare for him to do) Cade was getting his stuff in one place to bring home and that included his candy. "The mean witch" walks into his room (without knocking) and said, "Are you eating candy?" He said no. Then I guess she lost it and thought he was lying to her an began yelling at him. She was telling him that he hadn't even had breakfast yet and here he was eating candy. He may not have rules on the island but he does there. I was a bad example obviously if he was eating candy in the morning. That made him mad and he said I wasn't a bad example and I gave him a lot of rules. He told her she must be able to hear him because he had already told her he wasn't eating any candy. She left and complained to Sean so then he came in and told Cade he had to apologize to her because Cade had been rude and lied to her. Cade was of course angry again and told his dad how she had been bad mouthing me. Sean conceded that she may have over reacted. Really? Cade was just mad that yet again his dad was taking this woman's side over his. Didn't even ask him what he was doing, and was asking to him say sorry to the person who had just jumped to conclusions, yelled at him and put down his mother. Yeah. Not the best idea. I guess she doesn't see she is digging her own grave with the kids when she does stuff like that. Sean is then digging his own right beside her when he takes her side over his own kids. I wondered why he even bothered to take them at all. He could have just had them for a nice afternoon then I could have taken them home myself on Friday. If he wasn't even going to see them the rest of Friday night anyway then be fighting all morning long..what's the point? The kids need their father argument is pretty lame for this one. Anyway, Cade seemed to feel a lot better after he vented. I think because our friend was here it kept him from crying. He was very mad though. His language is getting too rough for my tastes and even though he isn't swearing I know he is thinking it and doesn't because he knows I don't want him to. He did say he flipped her off after she left his room. I wasn't too happy about that either. This "expression" of his anger and frustration will be a topic for therapy I think. I am beginning to need to take notes.

The party was a nice tension breaker. The kids play was cute. They did their own version of Jan Brett's, The Mitten. Sofie was a mouse and Cade was a moose and the little boy. Sofie just didn't want to get under the blanket they were using for the mitten so they rewrote it so that she came out and tickled Cade's nose instead. He sneezes then all the "animals" are blown out of the mitten.

There was carols, the kids did a march with bells and then Santa came. The kids all handed out presents. Connor got two card games. Will got a gift certificate to a japanese restaurant. I got a gift card to the grocery store. Cade got a nerf gun, a knitted hat and a sled. Sofie got a book, a knitted hat, a kitty face mask hat and gloves, hair ties and a animal change purse, shower gel and a little bag. She was squealing with happiness. Usually I am very uptight and worrying constantly where she is and what she's doing. I gave her a little freedom yesterday and she just went by Santa on the stage and played with the other little kids. It was nice.

We got to take home an almost whole lasagna, a big salad and a bag of romaine hearts. I love being able to take left overs.

After we got home we cleaned up the house a bit, changed and played some card games. Sofie and Cade watched a movie.

Today we are getting over being up late and resting up for the week. I'm tired for sure.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

No news, good news.

2 comments Posted by perphila at 12:02 PM

So far no more "helpful" news from Sean. I can only hope the trend continues.

I cleaned all morning. Work was canceled again. Only made $90 this week. I am cranking up a notch on my worry level. Trying to shove it away. I put up most of the decorations today as well. My itty bitty fake tree is on my buffet with a few presents that were given to us around it. I don't think I will be getting a tree again this year. Too much money. Sofie liked it so that's all that matters.

I am going to try and make sure I make things as stress free this afternoon as possible. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Therapy and shopping for the island Christmas party.

This morning Will said he is thinking of going back to see his counselor. He is feeling very unmotivated and it concerns him. At least he recognizes it. So, I guess things are going to get very busy again for us all and the therapy biz. On the up side he is socializing more. He asked if he could have some friends out for New Years eve. We have been doing a Chinese take out and board game tradition for years now. Before Cade was born. I am looking more forward to that than Christmas.

Time for play practice....

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trying not to say I told you so

0 comments Posted by perphila at 8:58 AM

Which is rearing it's ugly head again? The bipolar or the crappy father/ex-husband? Mixture of both is my guess.

I am no longer swayed by little bits of kindness Sean occasionally shows anymore. I now see it as a precursor to something nasty down the road. When the kids were sick last week I asked Sean to send some juice and medicine and he did. That was a good thing. He didn't offer. I had to ask. Also he waited a full day before getting around to doing it. I will give him points for doing it at all. My heart didn't soften because of it.

Connor had some issues with his xbox. It was broken and he had managed to get a "new" used one yesterday after school. Sadly, when he tried it out it didn't work properly. He was pretty mad which I don't blame him for but I was glad to see this time he didn't take it out on any of us. He even was composed enough to not act like a jerk the whole evening. We all felt bad for him. I guess however he was still wanting some sympathy and he called his dad. I understand his need to want to talk with his dad about his problems like he used to. He still doesn't quite understand that while his dad may sound sympathetic and say all the right things he is really only using the opportunity to further his own needs and agenda.

Connor brought the phone to me saying Sean wanted to ask me about Connor spending some weeknights with him and Connor didn't want to "deal with it" and wanted to me tell his dad that wasn't going to be happening. Sean and I have discussed this before. No school nights and both Sean and I need to know about any weekend visits. I took the phone expecting for Sean to talk about Connor coming to a visit and instead he begins giving me the third degree about Connor's school work. I was surprised and I am sure I sounded it. I answered his questions but it became obvious he was confused. A lot of the questions were things we had already discussed over the phone weeks ago. Also he kept asking me why the school site was saying he was failing all his classes. I had told him before about how this school works and it's grading system and how the site is only as good as when the teachers update and they can't do it every single day which can mean a lot. I flat out told him again Connor wasn't failing his classes. He had passed everything for the last trimester except for one incomplete which he dealt with already even if it wasn't reflected on the site. He kept asking me if the site was "lying". Why wasn't it updated? Things like that I I really can't answer. So he got angry with me and said fine he would just call the teachers himself. I told him that was fine. Then he began questioning me again about what Connor had done to fix things. I told him to hold on and that he could ask Connor himself. I got Connor and told him his dad was concerned about his school work and that the school site hadn't been updated to reflect his grades and was saying he had failed all his classes from the last trimester. Connor just shook his head and sighed and took the phone. I told him he dad wanted to know what he had done and what teachers he talked to to make up his work. Connor spoke to his dad and they hung up. I was surprised again but Sean didn't ask to speak to me again about any visits and didn't say anything about if what Connor had told him helped clear up any confusion. Connor said he felt his dad now understood things better.

I checked my email on instinct and sure enough there was something there from Sean. He was real suave hitting all the right points. I knew this was something he was dying to print out for some judge. I was beside myself at his attitude and what was worse he cc'd it to Connor! He was telling me how he believed I was irritated at him over the phone and frustrated at his inconsistency when it came to Connor and his school and how bad I must feel to have had to carry the burden. He said how I "needed" to work with him and how disappointed he was. He was trying to sound like he understood my feelings and that I might be resistant to him trying to help Connor but that he was interested and willing to help. He really made me look like I was a bad guy hindering Connor's progress. He said he would call me later this week to discuss what we had to do for Connor. There was a huge power play thing going on. He was "telling" me what I needed to do and what he was going to decide for Connor basically.

Anyway, since he sent it to Connor too we had to discuss it. Connor wasn't pleased. He asked me if his dad had spoken to me about any visits and I said no. Connor read the email and shook his head and told me to not even bother answering it. He said, "Let him call my teachers. If he doesn't listen to you or me maybe he will listen to them. He said he now understood me but apparently that was hot air." It's too bad Connor got to see how much his dad was trying to make me look like an idiot and a bad mother. Will said, "You really shouldn't have called him." Connor didn't say anything. Usually by this point he would be defending his dad. He didn't this time.

So, there was a lot I wanted to say to Sean. I didn't respond to the email though. Several reasons. One I felt I would be giving Sean something he wanted even if he didn't realize it. I was not going to engage him in conflict. This is something he craves and it releases his tensions and stresses and I am not going to be his emotional punching bag. Let his new wife do that. Second, he wasn't listening to me anyway. I do not need to defend myself. I answered all his questions to the best of my ability surprised or not. This was all I could do to co-parent with him. Him showing interest is good. Sadly, based on his track record I know it will be short lived and any thing he agrees to do to "help" Connor won't last. It better to have a plan in place that doesn't have to rely on Sean as a major component. I also noted that if Connor hadn't called Sean more than likely Sean would not have called me about this new found interest in Connor's education. Also, where is Sean's concern in his other kids in school? You can't just pick and choose which kid you want to have interest in when it's convenient for you. You have to find a balance for each of them. Some days you are better at it than others but you don't totally ignore some of them. I really thought it was audacious of him to tell me what I "needed" to do for our kids. Give me a break. That was what stuck in my throat. What about what he needs and should to for his kids? Like pay the child support, go to conferences, not steal from them, talk to them, not lie to them, give them birthday presents, come to their events, offer to help them with anything, not block their medical treatments, treat their mother with respect and not shove her in front of them? How about that? Heaven forbid if I don't answer a question he may have I don't even know the answer to. Not to mention a big factor in some of Connor's missing work has been his mood swings and how when he has visited his dad he has missed school because he has gotten ill after visits. I am well aware this illness is in his head. He is upset emotionally even though he denies it and says , "whatever", but then he gets headaches and stomach aches and even gets fevers. So why would I let Connor stay with him on a school night? The last time I did that he was "sick" for three days. Can I co parent with Sean and tell him this? HA...yeah right.

So, the confusion he was showing was concerning. It was more than just not being fully informed. The ego and insistence we were lying to him, a website is lying was also kinda freaky. I am sure he has a good spin on it for "the wife" so I look like Miss Crazy Pants. I don't mean to joke about it but at this point it is a coping skill to keep me from getting angry with him for some things I know he isn't in control of. I wonder how long it will take for him to go back to his meds? For all I know he resumed taking them and this is a new side effect. I just don't know anymore and if it didn't directly affect the kids I really wouldn't care either.